Postcards
by TFSyndicate
Summary: A self-insertion crossover spanning multiple fandoms, chronicling a cross-country journey of a Greenwich Village musician in search of his big break. (NOTE: Originally posted on DeviantArt from 2011 to 2014. Chapters' ratings vary; "M" chapters indicated. Featuring characters from PaRappa the Rapper/Um Jammer Lammy, Danny Phantom, Gitaroo Man, Seinfeld, Sly Cooper and more)
1. Pre-story notes

This crossover fanfic was started on DeviantArt back in 2011, and has been revised and expanded on up to the last chapter's posting in 2014. It is presented here in its current state (as of August 7th, 2017).

For quick access to scenes with your favorite fandoms, use this guide below:

 **PaRappa the Rapper/Um Jammer Lammy:** Almost every chapter, except -3 and -1

 **Sly Cooper:** Chapters -3, 15.5, 28-30

 **Danny Phantom:** Chapters 6-11, 16, 18-30

 **Seinfeld:** Chapters 18-30

 **Gitaroo Man:** Chapters 4, 12-26

 **Wayne's World:** Chapters 12-26

 **Mystery Science Theater 3000:** Chapter 17

 _Postcards_ is a fan-written piece, and has not (yet) been endorsed/approved by the original creators of the fandoms involved.

This piece is mostly K to T for the most part; chapters that are M will be indicated as such in the pull-down menu, followed by an explanation at the start of the chapter. Keep expectations low.


	2. Chapter -3: They're BAAAACK!

"Here's what we got to go on based on the recon pictures-Thank you, Penelope-Our target is someone who seems to be intercepting and hoarding other people's orders in a 'secret' closet in his apartment. Here are our options: We could shut off the nighttime security system in the back alley and rob the closet while he's asleep, or we could wait until morning and rob him after he leaves for work."  
Bentley the turtle finished his plan to his other three mates: Murray the hippo, Dimitri the lizard, and Penelope the mouse. It's been several months since their raccoon leader, Sly Cooper, faked amnesia to be with INTERPOL Inspector Carmelita Fox, and already they miss him.

Then Bentley said "Any questions?"  
Dimitri was the first to pipe up: "What about the guy who's always holdin' the fort down and will never give up his post?"  
"You mean the doorman?" Dimitri nodded, "That's where you come in. You will use your cheezy, lame English (no offence) to distract the doorman while we make our way to the stairs."  
Then Penelope spoke, "What'll we do with the packages?"  
"Another good question," said Bentley, "The best thing to do would be to simply bring the stuff to the nearest post office with a hand written apology, and a picture of the hoarder. It's better to see something in the right hands rather than the wrong hands"

There was a moment of silence, then Bentley looked out the nearby window.  
"It just isn't the same without Sly helping us out," That was obvious, "I don't remember the last time I told him to jump and press the circle button!"  
Everyone was confused, "WHAT?"  
"Never mind."

Meanwhile, Sly and Carmelita, who were coincidently a few blocks away, returned to their pad after a fun time at an art show. A REAL art show, nothing a master thief would steal.  
"That was the best art show ever!" exclaimed Carmelita, "For once, we got to see something without anything getting stolen!"  
All that "steal" talk got Sly nervous. He was afraid that a strange gesture on a topic like that would blow his cover. So he said nothing.  
"Here's one: Guess who I ran into while you went to 'excuse yourself': Ex-Captain Neyla!"  
"Neyla?" Sly pretended not to know her.  
"Apparently, she survived the whole Clock-La fiasco, and right away decided to seek trancidental meditation to redeem herself."  
Sly smiled: He remembered when Murry went through a similar phase.  
"Anyway," continued Carmelita, "She's coming over soon. You wanna relive old times again?"  
Sly nodded, but then regretted doing so. Then he heard a familiar beep come from the bedroom.  
"Excuse me for a moment," said Sly.

The beep came from his old binocu-com. He hadn't heard it in a long time. Sly pressed a button and looked through the glass. Inside, a screen panel popped into view, revealing a familiar face: Bentley.  
"SLY! It's good to see you! How's Carmelita?"  
"She's all right. We didn't do...it...yet. She just invited Neyla over."  
"NEYLA? What's she up to now?"  
"Carmelita says she redeemed herself recently."  
"Okay. That's good to hear. Look, Sly. It's been lonely without you. You put the 'Cooper' in 'Cooper Gang'! You know, it's not too late to confess that you're faking your amnesia."  
"You just gave me an idea, little buddy!"  
"Good. If this means you're gonna leave Carmelita and come back to our side, meet us at the Morrison building. There's a heist to pull with your name on it!"

Sly placed his binocu-com into the back pocket of his old blue garb. He sat down at a typewriter, and whipped up a note.

 _Carmelita,_  
 _Although it was nice to be with you at last without a shock pistol between us, I must confess that I'm going through a relapse, back to my old thief-ie ways. Go ahead, catch me if you can, unless you still love me regardless._

 _Goodbye,_  
 _Sly_

 _P.S. Say hi to Neyla for me._

Sly pulled out an old calling card, and wrote " _I love you. There, I said it_ " on it with Carmelita's lipstick.

Sly left the note and card on his side of the bed, and slipped on his classic blue garb. He was back.

He jumped from rooftop to rooftop over to Bentley's position outside the Morrison Building.  
"It's good to see you again, Sly!" he said.  
"Okay. What are we dealing with?"  
"Our target's a mailman who's hoarding the packages in his apartment."  
"Plan?"  
"Got it. Penelope's in the back shutting off the security. Dimitri's inside making long small-talk with the doorman. Murray will be waiting outside the apartment door with a wheelbarrow to haul the stuff out to the van."  
"So what do I do?"  
"Head inside, find the closet, and carry the stuff to Murray's wheelbarrow," said Bentley, "And remember, whenever you can, jump and press the circle button!"  
"WHAT?" shouted Dimitri from inside the building.  
"Never mind."

Sly scrambled up the fire escape ladder to the target's apartment. On the right wall was the target's closet. Unfortunately, it was padlocked.  
"Don't worry, Sly," said Bentley through the binocu-com, "I got the combination from a reliable local source. Try 5-5-5."  
He did. The closet door opened. There was the 'loot'.  
"All right," said Bentley, "Now take the mail and load it onto the wheelbarrow. Before you leave, remember to get a picture of the culprit."  
Sly opened the door for Murray, and handed the packages to him. Then Sly went into the bad guy's bedroom. He was sound asleep. Sly took a picture with the binocu-com, and quickly made an exit, but not before leaving another calling card in the closet.

At the lobby, Sly and Murray saw Dimitri over by the doorman, watching TV. They started to tiptoe.  
"It's okay, people," said Dimitri, "The guy's deaf!"

MEANWHILE...

Carmelita and Neyla read Sly's letter and annotated calling card. They, as expected, were not happy.  
"A relapse, huh?" said Neyla.  
Carmelita put on her INTERPOL coat and some costly perfume (?!).  
Furious, she shouted "Ringtail, you asked for it!", and then aside, "Oh and Neyla, could you hold down the fort? This will take a while..."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

Carmelita did not catch Sly right away, but she is still looking for him.  
All went to plan: The Cooper Gang returned the stolen packages to the Post Office, and took off. Their whereabouts are unknown, but this much is clear. Next stop, AMERICA! USA! woo-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


	3. Chapter -2: MilkCan-The Anthology

Lammy was born as another cross-polination experiment, with sheep father, and human mother. They lived near the Farmers' Market in Los Angeles.

As a child, she was very playful and curious. All she and her mother had around the place were a couple of Hendrix, Dick Dale, Wings, They Might Be Giants, and George Harrison records (All of them, except Harrison, have southpaws). Lammy was a born southpaw, but she learned it the hard way. She was 6 years old when she first got ahold of a guitar, but her fingers kept slipping, so her mother, (an ex-session musician for Squeeze) restringed them for leftys. That did the trick.

All of kids at school loved the playful little sheep, except, of course, Rammy. Coincidently, Rammy came from the same father, but a different mother-a bossy one at that. Rammy was born in the hospitol at the same time as Lammy, but they did not meet until Rammy and her mom moved across the street from Lammy's, presumably for spite.  
But let's face it: An evil twin will always be an evil twin. This was obviously the reason for their rivalry.

Rammy moved away by the time Lammy hit Middle and High schools, so she felt safe again, yet paranoid if she ever came back again.  
Lammy first met Katy Kat and Ma-San after school, when she heard drumming noises coming from the band room. She went in and found the two attempting to play a song.  
"Hey, are you the new kid?" said Katy, "We need room for one more!"  
So Lammy drew her guitar from her guitar bag, and joined in, until the band director came back in, and ordered them out.  
They eventually named their band MilkCan. This was Katy's idea. It was very common for Katy to coin some crazy candy/soda-related term when she gets excited (ex. "All fizzed up!" and "Aw, fudge!")

Skipping forward a few years, Lammy, Katy, and Ma-San all took their band to college somewhere up near San Francisco. On the first day, they were assigned their dorm rooms and who they were to sleep with. For some reason, they were the last in line. The line moved pretty quickly, though.  
Eventually, Katy stepped forward as the headmaster placed a room key in her paw.  
"Kat, Katherine, right? You will be in room 411 with Robinson, Joel."  
Katy shrilled with glee. Joel's popularity with girls was due to his sleepy eyes.  
Then Ma-San was next.  
"San, Ma?" said the headmaster, "Room 777 with Barbarino, Vincent."  
Ma-San groaned-"Vinnie" was a known troublemaker-but she took the key anyway.  
Lammy was last. She crossed her fingers for a good roommate. Then she recieved her key.  
"Lammy..." he said, "PH05 with Rammy."  
Lammy froze. She had not heard Rammy's name since she moved out. But there was no turning back. She sighed and picked up her bags and walked up the stairs to the Penthouse floor, and to the fifth door.

She opened the door to reveal the room: A broken futon lay against the wall with the bathroom door. A grey-colored guitar hung on a rack on the opposite wall. A TV was hooked up with a SNES game console (Lammy had an NES), and there were heavy metal CDs and a beeper sitting on giant stereo speakers near the door. Rammy, thankfully, was not there. Lammy opened her bags, and right away, she brushed her teeth, slipped into the futon, and shut off the light.

A few minutes later, Lammy heard the door open and close. The light flicked on. Rammy was back. Lammy slid deeper within the blankets to avoid being seen. Eventually, the light flicked off and Rammy was down to her undies-her sheep tail sticking out the back-and started to get under the futon, while Lammy slid closer to the wall. They shut their eyes, but ten seconds later, Rammy turned on the light to see what was rubbing against her fleece. She looked, and Lammy was spotted.  
Rammy gasped, then she blew a fuse.  
"YOU!" She screamed, and started to pounce on Lammy.  
She kept pouncing and pouncing, until Lammy was pounced off the futon.  
"What are you doing here, EWE?" she yelled in fury.  
"Well, um..., I w-w-was the last one t-t-to enroll," stuttered Lammy, "...and I was given the k-k-key to your room, and uh... you were gone, and I-I-I already came this far."  
"Were you still livin' at that Farmer's Market?"  
"Uh...yeah."  
There was a moment of silence.  
"All right. Get in," said Rammy, "But if you think I like you now, FORGET IT!"  
Lammy nodded, and quietly slipped into the futon with Rammy.

The next morning, Lammy woke up, hoping to find herself back home in Los Angales, but she was still in that San Fransisco dorm. Rammy was not next to her. She must've been out, because the bathroom door was open. Lammy stood up and went inside to floss and comb her hair (avoiding the horns, of course). Then she went to unpack her stuff.  
When Rammy came back, Lammy was dressed and everything seemed in place. Lammy's left-handed guitar was on the same rack as Rammy's right-handed guitar. Lammy's NES was next to Rammy's SNES, and Lammy's CDs were next to Rammy's CDs. The TV and the stereo were property of the University.  
Rammy smirked to her approval.  
"It looks good, but just one more thing," She grabbed Lammy by the shirt, "DON'T TOUCH my BEEPER! Understood?"

Looked like Rammy was going to be stuck with Lammy for a few years. Midway through the second, nothing had changed. They weren't even allowed to change rooms!  
During an exam in the lecture hall, Rammy made sure that she was seated next to Lammy. She was. But Lammy knew right away that Rammy was cheating off her.  
Lammy uttered "You HAD to sit next to me," after the exam ended.

The guy sitting behind Rammy caught her cheating, and she was expelled by the end of the year. Lammy had the dorm to herself for two more years. Nothing else significant happened.

When the day had come to move out, Lammy met with Katy and Ma-San, and they all agreed to move to Rodneytown, the home for lots of other anthros. This is Ma-san's hometown. Her father owns a pharmacy there, and I'm happy to say that it's still open.  
Katy already started booking gigs to get MilkCan up and running again, which worked very well. Their biggest hits were "Got to Move" and "Keep Your Head Up", their only originals.  
Lammy's apartment was small, yet comfortable. The windows looked out to the beach.

It is rare for the trio to be late for gigs, but they didnt seem to mind. Their most recent gig was the at the Chop Chop Master Arena. Katy and Ma-san just lost their way, but Lammy had her own problems.  
The poor sheep was caught up in a series of odd situations, like putting out a fire, serenading babies to sleep, flying a plane, loosing her guitar and building a new one from scratch.

This happened to be how she met Teriyaki Yoko, a local diva with a cult following, but actually a VERY BAD singer. She is completely unaware that all her gigs were just beauty shows and nobody was actually listening to the horrible music. Lammy, however, didn't seem to mind.  
Just before Lammy was about to leave, Teriyaki presented her something called a Supersonic Teleportation Device.  
"Err...Okay. Cool," said Lammy.  
"What? You never heard of these things?" said Teriyaki, flabbergasted, "It's the fastest way to get around the city, hon! They just hooked 'em up last week."  
Lammy paused, then said, "Okay. I'll give it a shot."  
She was about to enter, but then the machine blinked, and from the exit slot came...

RAMMY!

Lammy was frightened to find out that her evil twin caught up with her once again, and she still has the beeper. Yoko witnessed the whole scene, and you wouldn't BELIEVE the surprised look on her face.

Anyway, Lammy made it to her gig, and the band played a really great show.  
On the bus ride home, Lammy told her misadventures to Katy, who was touched by everything she said.  
Lammy got off at her stop, and walked upstairs to her apartment door. There was a large box waiting for her, along with a note:

We found this on a returning flight. We assume this is yours. Thank you for flying with us.  
-Rodneytown Airport, Lost & Found Dept.

Lammy knew what it was: Her old guitar. Happily, she went inside and fell to sleep, trying to forget her encounters from that morning. She hoped tomorrow would be better.

And better it would be! Lammy woke up to the phone, but she let the machine get it (She shortened her outgoing last night).  
"Hey, Lammy. It's Katy. Guess what: We got a record deal with Pet Records! Come on down when you're ready!" BEEP!  
So Lammy got dressed and head downstairs. She rounded a corner and found one of those new teleportation machines that Teriyaki Yoko was telling her about. Eagerly, she followed the directions on how to operate the machine (We'll learn about this later), and found herself right outside the building.

Lammy ran inside to the front deak, where Katy and Ma-San were waiting for her, along with the record excutive, Jack Smash. Lammy realized that he was the same guy who dragged her to Teriyaki Yoko yesterday. He apologized for the misunderstanding, and they're all good now.  
MilkCan head up the stairs toward the first open booth. At the same time, Teriyaki emerged from the opposite door.  
"Hey, it's you! Good to see you here, hon!" she said as they were about to enter, "I caught the last minutes of your show. You were great!"  
Katy winked. After all, she wrote that song.  
"Weird thing is," she continued, "I didn't catch your names."  
"Oh, yeah. I'm Lammy, this is Katy and Ma-San. Girls this is the bug diva I was telling you about the other day. Uh..."  
"Teriyaki Yoko."  
"Oh yeah. We'll see you ar...OH NO!"  
Rammy was standing right behind Yoko. Lammy rushed in to the booth, shut door, and turned on the red light.

This record deal was going to be a bit tough with Rammy around.


	4. Chapter -1: Village Boy Tom (M)

**Note: Rated "M" for _brief_ Lime moment in the third paragraph**

"Tom! We're ready for you," called the M.C.  
"I'll be right there."  
I stood in the small backstage area, tuning the nylon strings on my guitar. I have been playing this one for more than 15 years. It looks badly out of shape, but there's still a lot of action left in it. The anxious crowd started to stamp their feet. The lights started to dim. I took a deep breath, and pinched myself to stay awake. It was my first gig in three months, the hiatus was due to the fact that I was studying for the upcoming final exams up at Columbia University.  
At last, I took a step forward onto the darkened stage of The Bitter End, sat down on a stool, and began to play. Some people saw my act before and pulled out tape recorders with blank cassettes all cued up for recording. The song "Last Night I Had the Strangest Dream" always kept the crowds coming back, and that's exactly what I played that night.  
The hat was passed 'round the place, and after a few more songs, I called it a night. The Bitter End was closing up as I walked out onto Bleecker Street. I took a walk around the Village, past my Parents' house (they still live there-I can drop by whenever I feel like it), and up to the subway station at West 4th street.

It was just about midnight when I walked onto the upper platform for the 8th avenue line. The A train was beginning its local service. I wanted to get home quickly, so I walked downstairs to the 6th avenue line's platform, boarded a D train, and took a nap on a window seat. Soon, I woke up to the loud screeching noises as the train made a curve onto 8th avenue, and stopped at 59th street. I got off and walked up the stairs to a 1 train. I saw my girlfriend, Pamaula, sitting next to an empty spot.  
"Hi, Tom," she said, "I didn't think you were out this late!"  
I showed her my sleepy eyes and picked up my guitar case.  
"You played a show, huh? Too bad I missed it. Where was it?"  
I said slowly, "The Bitter End down on Bleecker. It's sorta near the old den."  
"I was duking it out down at Coney Island," The train stopped at a station, "Are you looking forward for the final exams on Friday?"  
"Am I?" I yawned, "Yeah, for the past three months."  
"You bug!" she said, rubbing my cheek.  
I had some energy to play some guitar through the next few stops, but they don't allow guitar playing on the train. So Pam just rest her head on my shoulder. Long black hair is tickleish.  
I faced the train doors for the next few stations.  
96th street-If I was on the 2 or 3 I'd be lost after this.  
103rd street-I don't know of any good place there. At this point Pam started to fall asleep.  
110th street-There's this small bookstore nearby where I like to pop into.  
116th street-Columbia University. This is us.

I grabbed my guitar case, woke up Pam, and we walked up the stairs to the front gates of the campus. We head inside and walked a bit north to where everybody's dorms were. We boarded an elevator.  
"Is it okay if we can make out tonight?" said Pamaula, "I've been waiting to loose my virginity for a long time now."  
"Okay," I said, "As long as if my roommate is still out."  
Jerry perfers rock music over folk music, so it's very unlikely that we'll perform together under as 'Tom and Jerry'.  
Anyway, Jerry was still out. That's very common around here. I got onto the bed and took my clothes off, while Pam inserted a sponge from her pocket. She dimmed the lights, got into the bed with me, and we collided. It's very common for her to pause and ask me somthing. Indeed, she paused.  
"Do you have any fears when it comes to making out?"  
I took a moment to think, then I piped up: "Well there's anthros and furries."  
"Like the ones of Furrafinity or DeviantART?"  
"I guess so."  
We continued, but I was so tired that when it 'went in', it went in very slow, but it was slow enough for Pam's virginity to go away. She kissed me, threw away the sponge, and left. I switched on my pajamas and assumed a normal position on the bed. Man, I wanted some sleep. But it didn't end there...  
Jerry burst in without knocking.  
"Guess who's DRUNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKK!" he bellowed.  
I groaned, and pretended not to noticed. He flopped onto the bed. He does that every other night, and I think it's hurting his chances of acing the exams.

I woke up the next morning. Jerry was hung over and still asleep. So I quietly sneaked out with a couple of books in hand to get a quick once-over before the big exam came. Then I went back in to get dressed (Jerry was still asleep) and ran out to the lecture hall. Breakfast will have to wait. Along with several colleagues, I was the first one there. I sat down and recieved the envelopes and pencils. I really hoped the three months of studying really paid off.  
After I finished, I turned in the paper and I was dismissed. I had the rest of the day to goof around. I went over to the Amsterdam Ave entrance to get some breakfast at Hamilton's. I ran into Pamaula again, (Man, does that girl get around!) and we sat down. She had a semi-bad look on her face.  
"Tom," she said, "I don't think we should see each other anymore."  
I almost choked on my turkey sandwich.  
"What for?" I asked, "Is it my fear of animal seduction? Do you not like my music? Did I get you pregnant?"  
"It's not you. It's me."  
"What did you do?"  
"You're such a sweet guy, but my parents have gigantic doubts about you."  
"Like what?"  
"Well, they never liked folk musicians..."  
Again, I almost choked.  
"...and they don't want me DATING folk musicians. They don't even care if you're a sweet guy, which you are, but Greenwich Village is not their type."  
This time I choked, and squealed "WOW!".  
"So will you be okay without me?"  
I took a moment to think about it.  
"I guess so. I'm planning to move out of town if I ever get out of college."  
"I'm sorry about this."  
"Me too."  
I gave Pamaula a hug and we parted.

I really was planning to get out. Actually, I had yet to find a spot to call home. I took a 1 train down to 14th street, and an L train two stops over to 3rd avenue. I walked up a few blocks to the travel agency, and started to peruse the shelves full of brochures.  
I was thinking of a nice spot in California, where the surf was high and I could get a lot of relaxation, and maybe find a recording studio. Maybe somewhere near Los Angeles. I browsed the California brochures for a good town.  
There were so many good choices, and I couldn't decide, so I decided to use the process of elemination. I put eight candidate brochures on a nearby table, and split them into two groups. I flipped a coin: Heads for the first group, tails for the second.  
After the second toss, I was left with the final two choices, and they were pretty nice and affordable at that: Santa Monica, and this place called Rodneytown. I flipped the coin. Heads. So Rodneytown it was.

I took the same subway route back to the campus. Jerry was finally sober and reading a book.  
"Jerry? I need to get all my stuff together," I pulled up some boxes I found one day at a recycling center.  
"You're leaving already?" he said, confused, "We got like one more day left here!"  
"I never said I was leaving today, but I'm considering of moving to California."  
Jerry didn't say anything, but went back to his book. I took a vertical cart from the hallway, and stacked some boxes onto it. I walked the cart onto the subway, and dropped off the boxes at my place near Bleacker. I did this two more times for the remaining few boxes, and then I was ready for moving.

At the library, I sat down at a computer and Google searched "rodneytown apartments". Indeed, there were many choices available. The cheapest one out there was, ironiclly, a seemingly good place based on the pictures.  
I printed the page and dialed the number at a nearby phone booth.  
"Hello? Cheapo Real Estate? This is Thomas Fay, and I am intrested in leasing an apartment in Rodneytown. Yeah, New York City. Really? Great! Thanks!"

Back at the dorm, Jerry sat there reading the brochure.  
"Well, this is it!" I exclaimed, "Everything's all set, I got a place booked, and I'm leaving the minute I'm set free!"  
"Rodneytown?" asked Jerry, "Why not St. Louis or Miami?"  
"Oh, come on! This place is on the southern border of the LA County! You know, Hollywood! Griffith Observatory! MALIBU!"  
"Well, it's no Amity Park."  
"Where's that?"  
"Northern LA, but trust me, you don't wanna go there."  
"Why not?"  
"Ghosts."  
"Oh, pshaw, like there is such a thing."  
"Okay...Chicago!"  
"It wouldn't be that long of a journey. The moving truck is said to be passing there, though."  
"Well, your call," Jerry opened up a newspaper, "If you don't like any of those places, you can move back to New York."  
"Okay. What about you?"  
"I'll be going back down to my folks at New Orleans."  
"What's it like down there?"  
"It's summer all year long."  
"...Yeah."  
"And you're NOT invited."

Then he stood up and took the cart I was using.  
"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get MY stuff now."  
"Audios, Jerry," I said, and sat down on the futon.  
The futon was property of the University.  
Tomorrow's the last day. I had a big life ahead of me.  
I already got my grade back. It was an A.


	5. Chapter 1: Wish You Were Here

Today was my last day living in Greenwich Village. I had just graduated from Columbia University, and felt like I was finally ready to leave my parents' den behind and live off somewhere else. The day before the movers were due, I decided to get one last thrill on the subway. Then I went back, took my nylon string guitar, and out again, to the cafe around the corner.  
The announcer witnessed my arrival and said "Let's have a hand for our own Thomas Fay. It's his last full day, so let's give him a pat on the back!"  
I sat down on a stool and began to play. First was "Bleecker Street", then 'Blowin' in the Wind", then another round of the usual classics.

The next day, the moving truck came. I had several things boxed and ready to go. I went down to greet the truckers, but the hard part was going back up. There's this elevator guy named Charles, who pops up everywhere, and gives me a hard time trying to get on.  
"You're moving out. Be gone already," he grumbled.  
"But my stuff is still upstairs, and the movers told me to help out," I said, "Besides, I'm holding a guitar."  
"You've been playing Guitar Hero one too many times. Now take the stairs, WIMP!"

I did what he said, resentfully. The truckers followed. A few minutes later, everything was packed. I was just about to load my bed when all my Village pals came to give me a farewell.  
"I'll be seein' you old pal!" said one.  
"Don't forget to write!" said another.  
"Sign some autographs!" said a third.  
They all gave me pats on the back and noogies on my forehead. I giggled with delight. I said goodbye to everyone, and got in the trailer, guitar in hand. The door slid down, and we were on our way.

Whereever we were going, it was gonna take a couple of days and nights on end. I slept on my bed in the trailer, got out to get a sandwich at some service stations, and saw the city lights drift by through the windows on the walls. This was the life.  
As the days passed, we drifted through St. Louis, the Four Corners, the Grand Canyon, and Las Vegas. Finally, we were in California. The truck drove south to the Los Angeles county, and down beyond the end of Highway 1.  
Then, we reached the town. It was glimmering with building and street lights, and I saw the beach on one side. Through the truck window, I saw the welcome sign.

Welcome to Rodneytown

Rodney A. Greenblat-Mayor

I was surprised. I recognized Greenblat's name from his work back at the MoMA, and now he's running a city of his own?!

The truck finally came to a stop at my new apartment building. It was roughly 30 stories high! We went in to the front desk. Nothing seemed suspicious about the doorman. The truckers turned around to unload the trailer.  
"Hi," I said, "I'm the new guy. You must've got the memo that I mwas moving here, right?"  
The doorman checked his list. "Thomas Fay of Greenwich Village?" he asked.  
"Yes. That's me."  
"Room 2525," he said, giving me the key.

The truckers came in with hands full of boxes, and headed for the service elevator in another room. I went to the normal elevator to go up to the new pad, but as soon as I got in, who should be in there, but Charles.  
"I thought you'd never get here, WIMP!" he said with pure sarcasm.  
Now my mind is thinking of who Charles really is. Is he a figment of my imagination, or is he too fast for me? I went out back to the doorman.

"Excuse me, sir, but the elevator guy doesn't like me," I said.  
"Who? Him? He's always like that," said the doorman.  
Conclusion, in other words, Charles is fast.  
The doorman continued, "If he's bothering you, you can take the service elevator. He'll never suspect a thing."  
"I HEARD THAT!" yelled Charles.

I retreated back to the bed in the trailer, and hid under the covers. The truckers came back for the bed, and went back to the service elevator, and pulled the lever for up. On our floor, I got out of the bed, and used my new room key. The room was practiclly empty, except for the boxes already bought up and the bed. A few minutes later, the movers were finished, and head off for the night. I set up everything and put the bed in the bedroom, and slept.

The morning came. I woke up and was delighted to be in the west coast at last. I took some pocket money and head out for the day. When I prepared to leave the building, the doorman stopped me.  
"Would you like a map?" he asked. I nodded and took one.  
"Also," added the doorman, "I recommend that you try the Supersonic Teleportation Devices. They're scattered across the town."  
"I'll think about it," I said, and left.

There was a pharmacy two buildings over. I decided to pop in and get some postcards. They were two for a dollar, and there were five different designs. So I took one of each, and had three dollars ready. The cashier was a teenager, and as soon as I put the cards on the counter, he said "You want fries with that?"  
Either he's supposed to say that, or he's out of it.  
So now I got some postcards, no fries. I put them in my pocket and would use them later.

Now to use that teleportation thingy the doorman told me about. The map had a small bit on how to use it.  
Insert a quarter  
Punch in the code of your destination  
Enter the machine through the top slot. You will land in your destination machine through the bottom slot.  
How to put yourself in, it didn't say. I saw the code for "Beard Burgers", and entered it on the keypad. I inserted a quarter, and inserted myself head first through the top slot. I came out from a machine near the "Beard Burgers" place, but my head hit the sidewalk hard, and I was knocked unconcious.

I layed there for a few minutes, then a little boy came and tapped me with his foot.  
"Mister?" he said, "Are you okay?"  
I woke up. I was outside the burger place. The little boy turned out to be a dog (It's hard to not notice his black floppy ears and his tail) and he helped me up.  
"Thanks," I said, "I was just overwelmed."  
"First time using this thing?" said the dog boy, pointing to the machine.  
"Yeah. Actually it's my first time in town. I was just on my way here."  
"Really? This has the best burgers in town!"  
So we went in.

I went to the counter. The guy was human with a giant afro and a black lab coat, and his name tag read "Col. Noodle".  
"Col. Noodle?"  
"That's right," he said "I spent last year at military school and earned this title. Now, what'll it be?"  
"I dunno. Just a hamburger."  
"With fries?"  
"WOW!" I squealed, "I was asked that at the pharmacy!"  
"Okay, then no fries."

Later, I had my burger. I was sitting in a window booth with the dog, PaRappa, who was sitting next to what seems to be is girlfriend.  
"Are you dating or something?" I asked  
"Yeah. Her name's Sunny Funny," explained PaRappa, "She's a flower."  
"Cute! A flower child!"  
Sunny blushed and smiled. We didn't talk much. We just finished the burger, and I gave PaRappa a little slip of paper. It said  
 **Thomas Fay of Greenwich Village**  
 **Apt. 2525 Teleport to #609**  
"Thanks," said PaRappa.

I teleported back home, feet first this time. I went back up to my pad, and rested. My first day has been exciting so far. I already made friends with a dog and a flower. I studied the map for a while. Let's see... there was a recording studio, a karate dojo, a music store, that burger joint, and the beach. There were about five or six music venues I could perform at. The I saw a Tex-Mex place called The Texican Grill.

I went down with my guitar in hand. I decided to go to the studio first. I inserted a quarter and entered the code. I entered through the doors and walked over to the receptionist.  
"Hi. I'd like to record here."  
"Do you have any previous performing experience?" said the receptionist.  
"Well, I used to perform in cafes at the Village."  
"THE Village?"  
"Yes. I just moved here."  
"Just a moment please."

The receptionest picked up the phone and dialed her boss. "This is the receptionist. I have a man here wishing to record here. He says he's from Greenwich Village," Then she turned to me, "What is your name, sir?"  
"Thomas Fay"  
"His name is Thomas Fay. He seems fresh out of college. I'm pretty sure he has the experience. I'll send him up right away," She hung up and turned to me again, "He'll see you upstairs. Good luck, Mr. Fay."

I headed through a door and up the stairs. Waiting for me was a man named Jack Smash (He was unusually pumpkin-headed).  
"So you're the Village boy fresh from college?" he asked me.  
"Yeah. Spent four years at Columbia, working on my butler's thesis."  
"Can't your butler work on his own thesis?"  
We both chuckled, and head into a booth.  
"There's a band down here called MilkCan and they're finishing up," said Jack, pointing to a girl group down at the microphones, "Say hello, then go down and show us your stuff."

The band went up to the booth. They appeared to be made up of a sheep with red hair, a blue cat, and a mouse with dynamite on her head.  
"Tom, this is Lammy, Katy, and Ma-San," said Jack while I shook their hands, "Girls, Thomas Fay is from Greenwich Village. He's new in town, so make him feel at home."  
I shook Ma-San's hand and she responded with what sounded to be gibberish.  
"MAMAMAMAMAMAM" she said (It's an honor to meet someone from the Big Apple)  
"MAMAMAMA" I replied (Thank you, Miss San)  
"MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA" (Amazing! Did you study at Columbia?)  
"MAMAMAMAM" (Yes. And yourself?)  
"AMAMAMAMAMAMA" (I haven't studied English yet.)  
"AMAM" (I recomend it.)  
"MAMA" (Have a good time here.)  
So gifted, Jack thought.

I went down the stairs to the studio. Jack turned on the red light and pressed RECORD. With my guitar in hand, I performed a dramatic version of "Last Night I Had the Strangest Dream". I thought I saw a tear in Lammy's eye. When I finished up, everyone in the booth was crying, except Ma-San.  
"MAMAMAMAMA" she said, stopping the tape (That's village music?).

I went back up to the booth.  
"So what do you say?" I said  
"I say we should put this out", said Jack, shaking my hand, "Welcome to Pet Records!"

We exited to the hallway, with MilkCan in tow. At the same time, another singer emerged from one door over. She was a green bug in a purple dress, with a head shaped like an egg and antennas as round as little stress toys.  
"Ah, Teriyaki Yoko!" said Jack, "We have a new Village boy on our label."  
"Talk to me another time. Where's my limo?" she said impatiently, heading for the stairway.  
Jack started to follow, but he turned to me.  
"She's more of an idol around here, but believe me, she's a very bad singer," he whispered, then ran over to the bug.  
"Listen, you got to know this guy! His song made Lammy cry!"  
"That's what I don't wanna hear," she insisted, "but we should get to know him."  
She faced toward me, "Any chance we could get together, hon?"  
"How about the Texican Grill?"  
"Done. I'll order something with Teriyaki."  
Then I turned to MilkCan  
"Sooooooooooo you wanna come too? You know PaRappa?"  
"We all do," said Katy, "and we'll come."

So that night, I got to the Texican Grill. I picked a large round booth table near a window. It gave me a good view on the street. The first people to show up were PaRappa, Sunny, and a couple of others (They looked like a taller dog and a fox). PaRappa and Sunny sat next to me, and the other two sat across.  
"Hey, Tom!" said PaRappa, "How's your first day so far?"  
"Great," I said, "I got signed to a record label. Are you going to introduce me?"  
"Oh, yeah!" he said, and made me shake hands with the dog and fox, "Tom, this is Matt-Kun and Paula Fox."  
"You're the village boy everyone's talking about! Glad to know you," said Matt.  
"Thanks"

Just then, I saw another party emerge from a taxicab. It was Lammy, Katy, and Ma-San. I waved through the window, and they went inside to my booth. Katy and Ma-San sat on either side of Matt and Paula, while Lammy sat next to me.

"Well, I guess that's all of us," I paused, "but then again, maybe we should wait for..."  
Before I could finshed, I saw a limo pull up on front of the joint. Out stepped Teriyaki Yoko, still with a purple dress on. She stepped inside, and went over to our table.  
"How was your gig?" asked Lammy.  
"Worst one ever," said the bug, "people gathered around me, and I realized they were trying to look up my dress. So I made a break for it."  
"Ouch. Tough crowd." said Paula, reaching over for a corn chip.

I was going to ask this earlier, but I didn't get the chance to. Then I spilled.  
"What's the deal with everyone being animals, if you know what I mean?"  
"Well, if you must know," said PaRappa, "It was all based on a scientific discovery."  
"Which was?"  
"If a human coincidently or purposely have an intercourse with an animal, their off spring is likely to be a hybrid of the two species. Paula's parents are a human and a fox. Lammy's part lamb, part woman, and Katy is what they call a cat-girl."  
I was surpised. I didn't know that stuff could actually happen.  
I guess Darwin was wrong, I thought.

So, as they say, you learn something new every day. I head back through the teleporation machine, and over to my new pad. I took a postcard from my new stack, and began to write to an old Village friend.

Dear Matt,  
I'm having a good time here at my new home in Rodneytown. Half of the population, shockingly enough, is anthropomorphic, and I didn't seem to mind. You should come down someday, but stay away from Charles.  
Regards,  
Thomas Fay

This was only my first night in Rodneytown. I had a future ahead of me.


	6. Chapter 2: The Week-old Graduate (M)

**NOTE: Aura is a OC created by DeviantArt's Yumifan and is used with permission.** **Rated "M" for nudity and _brief_ Lime sequences**

It was another night at the Texican Grill, in Rodneytown, CA. I was sitting alone this time. PaRappa and Sunny couldn't make it. I did have Paula Fox on my side though. The band MilkCan finished a recording session and same to my spot at the corner window booth. Lammy sat next to me again. We all went for chicken burritoes.  
Teriyaki Yoko appeared next, from her limo. She went for a teriyaki burrito (obviously) and sat next to Ma-San. Then I noticed Lammy was shier than usual.  
"What's wrong?" I asked.  
"Oh, nothing," she said quickly.  
Then she started flashing her head back and forth from her plate to the window.  
"You're waiting for someone?"  
"No," Lammy confessed, "Someone is looking for me."

Everyone murmered. Then I saw a stream of headlights zoom into view. It stopped right in front of the door. I saw a black thingy emerge from the cab (It was raining cats and dogs, and the rain obstructed my view). Then it walked toward the front door and made its way inside.  
It turned out to be a black-haired ewe. She walked over to the coat check and took off her hood and jacket. I noticed she looked a lot like Lammy. The sheep went over to the counter and attempted to ask for a taco.

The teen counter boy said "You want fries with that?"  
"NO!" she yelled, "You really think you can get away with that f****** c***?! I'm not taking any f****** fries from some i**** like you!"

Lammy started to sink in her seat to avoid being noticed.  
"Who is that?" I whispered.  
"It's Rammy," Lammy muttered, "She's my evil twin."  
"You're sisters?"  
"No. It was a coincidence. We were born on the same dates in the same hospital from the same combonation of species. Different moms. She hated me since the beginning, and she's still out to get me."  
Then Teriyaki said "You've meet everyone but Rammy? She's my guitarist, and is usually late for a gig. Lammy filled in once and Rammy blew a fuse."

"You don't think she's working for Don Kirshner or anyone like that?"  
Everyone murmered. Don Kirshner is out to get the Monkees and strip of their musical privelages. Lammy slid her head up a bit.

"Is she gone yet?" she said, but was a little too loud.  
Rammy turned around to my booth, and walked over. She saw Lammy's horns sicking out from beneath the table.  
"Give it up. I can see you," said Rammy, sitting down next to me.  
"You have better sense than to treat her like that," Katy said.  
"What do you know, blue hairball?" insulted Rammy, giving her a wicked middle finger.

Then she turned to me.  
"Who's this, Lammy? Your boyfriend?"  
"That's Thomas Fay," said Teriyaki, "He moved here yesterday from Greenwich Village, and just signed to my record label."  
"Your label?" I asked.  
"Well, I'm their best-selling artist."  
"But a really bad singer," said Paula.  
"WHAT?!" Teriyaki fired a lightning bolt from her antennae (Remember, she's a bug) zapping Paula, "Say that again, and I'll ban you from EVERY video game."

Another taxicab showed up. A grey blur flashed from the cab to the coat check. It was a wolf that looked like Paula, except for a giant middrift, and clevage. Her miniskirt was so small that you could see her undies. Paula started to slide beneath the table.

"It's Aura," she murmered.  
The wolf came to my table and sat next to Rammy.  
"I can plainly see you, tomboy," she said to Paula.  
"Who? Me? I'm a boy and my name is Tom." I piped in.  
"You're more of a boy-boy if you ask me," said Aura.  
"Actually, he's a village boy," corrected Rammy.  
"Greenwich village? I've been there. It's no place for a s***** j*** to be living in."  
There was a long pause. Everyone continued eating, as if nothing happened.

Then I piped up again.  
"Where are you these days, Aura?"  
"This swanky night club called the Element. It's on the east side of town."  
"Good. I'll try to not go there."  
"Actually, they're requesting your presence on the bandstand," said Aura.  
She handed me an invitation. I put it into my pocket.  
"When do I have to be there?"  
"Tonight at ten. You'll watch the wolf work her magic on the crowd."

Everyone cleared out. I thought to myself what does Aura do at the Element?

It was nearing 10:00 (9:00 central time), and I didn't have children to look after. I took a quick rest at my pad, then practiced a setlist on my guitar and piano. Then I went downstairs to the doorman.

"Excuse me, but what's the teleportation code for the Element? It's not listed on the map," I said.  
"Teleport? It's only two blocks down from here."  
"Oh. Okay."  
So I went two blocks over, and there was a big E above the sidewalk. This must be the place, I thought. There was a bouncer at the door.

"Hi. I'm the new bandstand musician."  
The bouncer opened the door and let me in. I saw Aura sitting over by a cage.  
"Glad you could make it," she said, "The bandstand's over there."  
"Thanks. What are you going to do here?"  
"Dance. What else would I do in a cage?"

Okay...

The bandstand was empty except for a guitar and a piano.  
The announcer went "Ladies and Gentlemen, direct from Greenwich Village, our guest musician tonight is Thomas Fay."  
There was a medium applause. Aura got into the cage, and I sat down at the piano.  
I began to play "Tom's Theme," an instrumental that I wrote when I was introduced to piano. It was a few chords seriously played on the left hand, and free improvising on the right hand.

I wasn't looking up from the piano to see Aura dancing in the cage. When I finished the song, there was a massive applause, and I looked up. Aura was standing in her cage, NAKED!  
She said "I'm charging you $500 to touch my body. Why? Because YOU'RE NOT MY BOYFRIEND!"  
"WOW!" I squealed, then quickly averted my gaze back to the piano, and played another song. At the same time, Aura began to put her clothes back on while dancing.

LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.

The next afternoon, I had lunch at the Texican Grill. Lammy and Rammy sat on either side of me. PaRappa and Sunny were back, sitting opposite me. Aura wasn't here (thank goodness), and that was it.

"So, Village Boy," said Rammy, using a pet name on me, "How was your night with Aura?"  
"I bet she forged that note. She tricked me into seeing nudity!" I murmered, putting my hand over my face.  
Rammy started to put her arm around my shoulder. I pretended not to notice it.  
"You're not in love with him, are you?" asked Sunny  
"Maybe," said Rammy, "How long have you been out from college?"  
"A week," I said, "Why?"  
"Come up to my place, Benjamin," she smirked, and left.

Lammy was shocked. Rammy was asking me out. I was given no alternative. The red lamb wrote down her teleportation code, and handed it to me.  
"That's Rammy's code, and so is mine," she explained.  
"You live in the same building?"  
"Just different floors. Rammy hasn't a clue on which floor I'M on. If things get too hot with you and Rammy, you can escape to my den."

So that night, I went to the building. I saw Rammy's number on the directory. Room 3035. I went into the elevator and the doors closed. But then it opened suddenly. The I was picked up and thrown out. I got up and turned around. CHARLES!  
"Don't even think about it, WIMP!"  
Now I had to walk up thirty flights of stairs on foot, and there's no service elevator.

Eventually, I made it to the floor and the room number. I knocked, and Rammy answered, with an evil look on her face.  
"So I see you made it, Village Boy!" she said, and pulled me in by my shirt.  
I looked around. The rooms were either grey, black or plum. Goth colors. There weren't any doors either. Not even the bathroom had any. Rammy was definately a loner!  
"It ain't much, but it's home," she confessed, "Now, how would you like to have some fun?"  
My heart pounded with fear.  
"What kind of fun?"  
"Some fun-fun. Come to my room."

I could feel what she was trying to do to me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I walked into Rammy's room. She was lying down on her bed.  
"Well? Just sit down and let the fun begin!" said Rammy, sounding very naughty.  
"Wait a minute!" I said, "First you drag me here, then you lure me to your bedroom, and now you want me to have 'fun'!"  
"So?"  
"Rammy, you're trying to seduce me!"  
She giggled. I was scared.  
"Aren't you?"

I slowly walked to the bed, and lie down next to the black ram. She started to massage my hair. Then she attempted to pull my shirt up. I flinched.  
"Why are you so nervous?" said Rammy.  
"Well, for one thing, I saw The Graduate. You know the bit with Mrs. Robinson?"  
"I heard of hit."  
"I was frightened to death and had to bolt."

Then Rammy stood up, turned around, and started to pull up HER shirt. She wasn't looking, so I grabbed my shirt and made a break for it. I ran down the stairs, and I heard Rammy come out, topless, yelling "Hey wait! GET BACK HERE!"  
I couldn't concentrate, because I was repeating to myself "Please let this be a one night stand," as I rushed down to Lammy's apartment. She opened the door and saw me panting.  
"Aw," she said, "Rammy must've frightened you."  
"Worse," I cried, "She saw The Graduate."  
"Me too."  
I screamed in fear and attempted to escape, but Lammy was holding on.

She brought me into her room and gave me a hug and a glass of water.  
"I survived that film," she confessed, "and I'm more of the Elaine type. Were you afraid Rammy was going to Mrs. Robinson you?"  
"Yeah," I said, sipping the water, "I'm afraid of being seduced...especially by anthros!"  
"You poor thing! Did this happen before?"  
"No. Just thinking about it makes me paranoid."

Lammy gave me a hug, and led me to her room. She took a pill, and sat down beside me.  
"Are you going to do what I'm thinking of?" I muttered.  
"It's for your own good," said Lammy, taking off her clothes, "I promise I'll do it slow on you."  
I started to take mine off, and we started to collide. Her fleece was soft, but I was still sweating in fear.  
Once that was over, Lammy gave me a hug, assuring me that it was okay.

The next morning, I wrote on a clean postcard.

Dear Jim,  
I'm having a tough time wether to stay in Rodneytown or move somewhere else. The other day, I was tricked into performing at the bandstand of a nudist club. Last night I met a sheep-girl, and she seduced me, a la Mrs. Robinson. Should I stay?  
Worried,  
Thomas Fay

Later that day, I was at the recording studio. MilkCan, Lammy's band, were watching from the booth. I was playing another sad song on my guitar. I was actually not in the mood for singing, so It became an instrumental. The band told producer Jack Smash (the pumpkin-headed manager for Teriyaki Yoko) about my story, and he felt sorry for me.

I went to the Texican Grill, where everyone listened to my story, and I got another round of hugs, except, of course, for Rammy and Aura, who flipped me off If I attempted to talk to them.


	7. Chapter 3: You Want Diapers wiffat? (M)

**NOTE: Rated "M" for age regression and related situations**

My friend E-Gor, a scientist from the East End, was visiting Rodneytown for the last couple of days, and he stayed over at my pad. Tonight was his last night in town, and we celebrated over at the taco joint, The Texican Grill.

We sat in the corner window booth (as usual). PaRappa was confessing his love to Sunny (again), Paula and Matt were sharing a soda (they're not lovers-just friends), and human teenagers were working at the counter. Teriyaki Yoko was talking about how her latest record is coming along, but she was often distracted by Lammy and Rammy's arguing.  
"Girls," I said, "It's E-Gor's last in town, so let's forget our troubles and calm down."  
"YOU calm down, Village Boy!" insulted Rammy, flipping me off.

Katy and Ma-San arrived. They went to the counter and ordered two California Chicken burritos.  
"You want fries with that?" said the teen.  
"MAMAMAMAMAM" yelled Ma-San, who really meant "Shut up and give us the burritos!"  
I rolled my eyes. They sat down at our booth, next to Teriyaki.

"Hey, E-Gor!" said Katy "Sorry we're late. We were bickering about mixing the song after Lammy left."  
"You're so lucky to be musicians," said E-Gor, who then turned to me, "So, Tom, I made a new potion. I haven't tested it, but from the looks of it, the couple the potion is injected to will fall in love."  
He withdrew a corked test tube from his lab coat. It was pink.  
"You judged it on its color?" I groaned  
"Not just that. When the ingredients joined, a puff of steam in the form of a heart flew out. This stuff is bound to work." explained E-Gor.  
I lightened up a bit. "Maybe that could help Lammy and Rammy get along. It's your last night. Should we use it?"

I turned to Lammy and Rammy. They were still fighting about I-don't-know-what. Then I turned back to E-Gor and nodded.  
E-Gor put the liquid into a small injecting thingy and tapped the two sheep on the shoulders.  
"Don't worry. This should help you be buddies again. I need to inject this somewhere near your hearts."  
Lammy lifted her shirt halfway. E-Gor reached over and injected half of the fluid into her belly-button. He then did the same thing to Rammy.  
"There," he said, putting away the injector, "Call Tom if you feel a change. Tom, call me so I can take down the results."

E-Gor stood up to leave when he saw the taxicab waiting outside to take him to the airport. We all bid him our final goodbyes before he got in. Teriyaki walked down the block to her pad around the corner. The rest of us used the coin-operated teleportation machine. I stopped Lammy and Rammy when it was their turn.  
"I hope this works well," I said to Lammy, and then to Rammy, "I didn't know you two live in the same building."  
Rammy did not smile. She flipped me off, then got in the machine. It was my turn. I inserted a quarter and entered the code for home.

Lammy woke up the next morning, feeling a little light on her belly. She went to her dresser to get changed, but as she put on her t-shirt, her arms couldn't get through the sleeves. Lammy suddenly realized that she shrunk and now her clothes were too big for her.  
"What's become of me?!" said Lammy, but then realized that she sounded like a child, and covered her mouth.  
Lammy ran to the mirror, and her reflection was horrifying. She was a naked baby sheep girl.

The phone rang. Lammy stood on a chair to reach it. It was Rammy. She too was naked and standing on a chair.  
"That swine! I shouldn't have let him! Look what he did to me!" Her voice was pitcher higher as well.  
"Rammy, we're talking through a phone."  
"Oh yeah. HEAR what he did to me! I'm short. My clothes don't fit me. I'm sounding higher," there was a long pause, then the sound of a hiss, "and I'm PEEING!"  
"Eeeeeuuuuuugggggghhhhh!" said Lammy, "Just call Tom and tell him what happened."  
Lammy hung up, and looked down to see that she too was peeing on her chair, uncontrollably. Then she picked up the phone and called me.

I answered the phone and said "Hi. This is Tom, and whatever you do, DON'T call me Village Boy. Go."  
"Tom? It's Lammy. You remember that potion E-Gor injected?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Well, me and Rammy and now Three-year-olds."  
"WOW!" I squealed, then I heard a beep through the headset, "Lammy, hang on," I pushed the ON button and got Rammy.  
"A fine mess you got us into. Listen to me now!" she yelled.  
I pushed the Merge Calls button. Lammy and Rammy were both on at the same time.  
"Cool it, girls. You could at least admit that the expiriment was a failure. Do any of you hold on to your old childhood clothes?  
"I do," said Lammy, "and I don't know about Rammy."  
"Of course I do, nitwit! Who wouldn't?"  
"I don't," I said, "Rammy go over to Lammy's and keep her company. Lammy, wipe up your pee on the floor. I'm going to sort this all out."

I hung up, ran down, and to the nearby pharmacy. I went to the teen who worked at the cash register.  
"I need two packs of diapers. I'm babysitting for twins." I said.  
"You want fries with that?" said the teen.  
"Fries? This is a pharmacy, for Pete's sake!"  
The teen put the diaper packs on the counter and I wrote him a check. Taking a nearby teleportation device, I went to Lammy's flat. There they were, with their young clothes on: shirts identical to what they wore last night, skirts, but no underwear.

"Now will you PLEASE stop us from leaking all over the place? As long as we're babies, we need something to cover up!" yelled Rammy  
"I don't know. Baby faces are too fluffy and cute to ignore." I said as I squeezed her cheek. Lammy giggled.  
I picked up Rammy and took her to the top of Lammy's dresser. I opened a pack, and quickly put a diaper over her crotch. Lammy was a bit more difficult. When I put her on the dresser, she wouldn't open her legs so I could put the diaper on her.  
I said slowly "Just imagine you're playing in the snow, and you get on a snow horse and start to ride it."  
Lammy closed her eyes and let her legs relax. Then I quietly slipped the diaper under her butt and taped it shut.

Then I put the two ewes on the bed, and gave them a pep talk.  
"As long as you're babies, you'll need to sleep together. Living on your own won't do. You need someone to play with or change your diaper or something. Not me; I'm not a professional. If you can be able to do this, then you two might get along at last."  
"In your dreams, Village Boy!" said Rammy, flipping me off again.  
"You shouldn't do that at this age." I said "In the meantime, I'm gonna call E-Gor and see if he can get us an antidote. So are we all good now?"  
Lammy nodded and got off the bed. Rammy stood up.  
"Oh, VILLAGE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY!" said Rammy, lifting her skirt up.  
"Rammy, don't tell me you're trying to seduce me. Please don't!" I said, groveling.  
Rammy rolled her eyes, and put her skirt down.

I escaped back to my pad via teleportation, and picked up the phone the minute I stepped through the door.  
"E-Gor? Tom. Listen, your potion backfired, and now I have to look after two baby sheep!"  
"Great scott! This seems heavy!" he said  
"You must've been watching Back to the Future one too many times. Anyway, can you send over an antidote?"  
"I'll try, but the problem is that it might take a couple of days to deliver. I'm in New York, you're in California."  
"Okay. I'll wait," I said, and hung up.

I flopped down on the bed and tried to relieve of my troubles. Lammy and Rammy are in diapers, E-Gor will take days to bring over the antidote, and I have no excuse of what to say tonight at the Texican Grill. I felt like I had no other choice but to fess up and tell what happened.

It was 5:00, 4:00 Central time. I decided to check on them and head over to the taco joint or somewhere. I went down and teleported to Lammy's den. I went in to find them on the bed, taking a nap. They eventually woke up and saw me over by the door.  
"Hangin' in there?" I asked.  
"No," said Rammy, "Lammy's been a cry baby."  
"Have you been hiding her guitar somewhere where she can't find it?"  
"I'm ashamed now."  
"Well listen. E-Gor is sending over an antidote. Think you can live as a child for a few more days?"  
"I think so," said Lammy  
They both got off the bed.  
"Have you remembered to change diapers every now and then?" I reminded them  
"I did it to Rammy, but she wouldn't do it to me," said Lammy, "and I'm starting to feel a bit soggy."  
So I put Lammy on her dresser, wiped the pee off her crotch, and put a clean diaper on.

"I'm going down to the burrito joint. You wanna stay here? I'll get you some takeout." I said.  
Lammy said nothing. She just hugged me real tight, and said "I love you!" with big tears in her eyes.

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy... I'll take that as a yes.

At The Texican Grill, I sat there in the booth, pretending not to notice the girls' absences. Finally, Katy piped up.  
"Where's Lammy? I haven't seen her today during band practice."  
"You don't suppose anything happened to them?" asked Sunny.  
"We haven't heard a responce from that thing E-Gor put in" said Paula Fox.  
"I confess," I said, "The expiriment went awry and the woke up this morning as little kids."  
Everyone gasped, except for Matt, who was drunk.  
"They must be having a good time!" he exclaimed.  
Paula started thinking if he should be letting him drink beer, but this is irrelevant.  
"How long do you think they're going to be like this?" asked PaRappa  
"Well, I called E-Gor and he said he was sending over an antidote," I explained, "In the meantime, I told them I was going to get them take out so they don't miss out on dinner."

I stood up to go to the bathroom in the rear. They turned out to be those big ones with stalls and multiple sinks. It also had a baby changing station, which gave me an idea. I washed my hands and went back to my booth.  
"I noticed something when I was in the bathroom and came up with something," I said to the others, "We could let Lammy and Rammy eat here, and use those diaper tables in the back. That way, they won't miss out on hot topics and stuff."  
Everyone looked at one another, and they nodded in agreement. We finished our burritos and head home.

I remembered to ask for two burritos to go (no fries). I went to Lammy's den to find the the two baby ewes at the couch.  
"I got you some chicken burritoes. How are the diapers holding up?" I asked.  
"Fine. Rammy changed me, but I'm SO not changing hers," complained Lammy.  
"Starting to get along?"  
"It's welding in there."

I took Rammy to the bedroom and started to remove her diaper. Then she let out a deep sigh.  
"What's wrong?" I said, "Are you sick of being a little kid?"  
"No. I miss being one. I enjoyed being short and able to walk in spaces where you'd rather crawl when you're older," she stood up, the open diaper falling off, "I always had the center of attention, then I met that lamb and she ruined everything!"  
"Well now that you and Lammy are little again, you could at least apologize and be friends. That's what E-Gor made this potion for. To help you get along."  
Rammy started to cry. She lean foward to hug me, and then she peed on me.  
Rammy said "Now will you clean my ass so we can get outta here?!"  
I wiped up Rammy's wet vag and finished her butt. I put a clean diaper on, and she lowered her skirt. I carried her on my shoulders, and put her on the table, where the still-hot burritoes were waiting.

I went back to my apartment and took off my shirt to see the urine stain. Rammy's pee was burning hot, and I chucked it into the hamper right away.

The days passed while we were waiting for E-Gor's antidote. On Tuesday, Lammy and Rammy started to join me and the lads at the Texican Grill, where I used them on the diaper table in the bathroom. Lammy wanted a lot of hugs from me, and Rammy had her share, too. Their relationships were slowly rising.  
On Wednesday, Lammy attempted to potty train, but her bladder wan't ready yet, so I scrapped that plan. Rammy didn't go for it because she was enjoying herself as it is (If you know what I mean).  
On Thursday, the lamb proved they could change their diapers on their own, so Rammy went back to her den upstairs, taking along her diaper pack, which was halfway empty.

Friday, the antidote came in. I told the girls the news. This was their last night in diapers, so I told them to make it count. In the meantime, I took out a postcard and began to write.

Dear E-Gor,  
Thank you for the antidote. I'm glad to say and Lammy and Rammy finally got along, but on the down side, Rammy confessed that she missed being a baby. Listen, if you come by to Rodneytown again, remember to bring a massive amount of formula and antodites for the girls so they can do it again.  
Thanks again,  
Thomas Fay.

That night, at the Texican Grill, we were witnessing Lammy and Rammy take the antidote. They went bottoms up at the same time, and we all applauded.

Now that the sheep are equal friends, they slept together in Lammy's bed. They slept naked so they wouldn't stretch and rip their young clothes. At midnight, they both felt the growing sensation. They were back to normal.

However, the next morning, the phone rang just as I woke up. It was Rammy, and she was not happy at all. Turns out that although they're adult sheep, they still peed on the bed.  
Rammy's last words on the phone were "Another fine mess you got us into!"


	8. Chapter 4: Mean Pinball

My first album on Rodneytown's Pet label took off recently, and now I'm a local celebirty. I didn't recieve any calls or fan mail yet, though.  
In the meantime, I started listing to The Who's "Tommy" album, and that was one awesome rock opera. I felt like I should lay off the Greenwich Village music for a while.

Anyway, over at the recording studio, the clients were all shaking hands with me, and I felt really happy about myself. I head over to my soundstage, where my producer, Jack Smash (the pumpkin-headed guy) was playing the master tape.  
"Great work, Tom," he said, "I'll bet your friends in the Village are flockin to their music store to get a kick outta you!"  
Then the phone rang, he answered it.  
"Jack Smash. C'mon up!" he said, hanging up. I was speechless.  
"Who was that?"  
"I dunno!" (cue laugh track).

There was a knock on the door. It was Teriyaki Yoko (the bug).  
"Jack, honey. When's my next gig?" she said  
"A few weeks from now. I'm giving you a break."  
"Good, cause we need time to record that single."  
My master tape was still playing. Teriyaki stopped to listen.  
"So this is the new sensation?" she said, turning to me.  
"Uh... yeah," I stuttered nervously, "Do you like?"  
"Fine. If it was worse, I'd ban you from every video game..."

Just then, MilkCan (Lammy, Katy, and Ma-San) walked into the studio.  
"and that would go for you too!" Teriyaki finished.  
"Hi, Tom!" said Katy, "You finished?"  
"Yeah. We're just hanging."  
"MAMAMAMAMAMAMA," said Ma-San (Good, because we're gonna record now.)  
"MAMAM," I replied (Okay. Can I watch?)  
"AMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!" (NO! We use our time alone!)  
The dynamite on her head exploded from her fury. Teriyaki's dress almost caught fire, but didn't.  
"AM," I said (Okay. I'll leave you be.)  
Jack turned to me and said "Maybe we should relocate ourselves to Teriyaki's soundstage so we don't bother the others."

So we got up and leave, leaving MilkCan in the studio. Ma-San flicked on the red light switch after we left, then turned on the recorder and ran downstairs to her drum kit.

Teriyaki's soundstage was larger than mine. It had one large room for orchestras and musicians, and two small booths: One for the producer and other staff, and the other for the singer (Teriyaki). The room was empty, and the bug went to her booth. Jack sat down at the tape recorder.

"This is how professionals do it," he explained, "A couple of session musicians came here to record the instrumenal accompniment, and now all we need is the vocal track."  
"I experimented with this back in the city," I said, sitting down next to him.  
Jack turned on the intercom, "Okay, this is a take. You ready in there?"  
She nodded, then Jack pressed the record button.  
"Now I'll see if she's really a bad singer."  
"I HEARD THAT!" she yelled, zapping me long-distance with her antennae.

The instrumental began. She actually sang pretty good! I didn't know why she was said to be horrorable. The phone rang again.  
"C'mon up!" said Jack, who didn't care who was downstairs.  
The song finished, and Jack stopped the recorder. Teriyaki went back to the main booth.  
"That was pretty decent!" he said, "I can see your name in the charts...for once."

There was a knock on the door. This time, it was Rammy, but she didn't seem pretty happy (That's weird, as I thought she got on my good side in Chapter 3!)  
"VILLAGE BOY!" she yelled, "How DARE you make a gold record out of music that I don't even like!"  
"Why, Rammy!" I said nervously, trying to change her mood, "It's good to see you again...back to your old self!"  
It didn't work.  
"My Lammy troubles are over, but my watch is broken, my guitar strings broke, and I STILL don't get any messages on my BEEPER! All because of YOU!" She flipped me off!  
"For one thing, we don't use beepers anymore," said Jack, "Ever heard of cell phones?"

Rammy turned and walked away.  
"Well, nice try, Ram-a-lam-a Ding-dong!" I insulted.  
"That's it! Let's see who's the better guitarist!"  
After seeing where this was going, I made a break for the door, down the stairs, and to the teleportation machine outside the building.

I retreated to my pad and took a breather in front of the TV, and put on a VCD (Video CD, imported from the Phillipenes) of Happy Gilmore. Then I heard the phone. I paused the movie, and picked up the handset.  
"Hello?"  
"Hi Tom. It's me, Teriyaki Yoko."  
"Oh, hi! What's goin' on?"  
"Listen, I'm sorry about what happened today with you and Rammy."  
"Does Lammy know yet?"  
"No. I didn't see her yet."  
There was a pause.  
"Listen," she continued, "I'm gonna be at the Element tonight, so I'm not comin' down for tacos or anything."  
"That's okay. I'll just call the gang and tell 'em"

So I did that. I called PaRappa, Sunny, the MilkCan band, and Paula Fox about the relocation to the Element.

The Element was less crowded then the last time. I saw Teriyaki Yoko and the house band over on the bandstand. Then I saw my party over in one of the booths, and sat down.  
"So, what's new?"  
"Nothing," they all said.  
"I've got something. Lammy, remember when you 'stole' Rammy's position at Teriyaki's gig on that island? She demanded a guitar duel, remember?"  
"Yeah..." she muttered.  
"Well, she's out to get ME."  
"Why can't you believe?" said PaRappa.  
"She plays lead guitar, and I'm rhythm guitar, so I don't have high hopes about this."  
Teriyaki finished her performance and head over to the booth.  
"Hey. I told them about my Rammy problem."  
"What're you gonna do, hon?"  
"Who do you think I am? Gitaroo Man?"  
"Somebody call me?" said a guy nearby.  
He was dressed like a flying robot, and had a strangely-shaped guitar in his hand. It was U-1, or Gitaroo Man to his buddies. I ran into him when the moving truck rested somewhere in Chicago.  
"Nah. You must've heard things."

U-1 sat down next to me.  
"Thought you'd never see me again, eh?" He asked, giving me a noogie.  
"No. U-1, this is PaRappa, Sunny Funny, Ma-San, Katy Kat, Paula Fox, and Teriyaki Yoko."  
"I know her. Her last album sold out at the music store."  
"How many copies were there?"  
"Just two. I'm tellin' you, she's a bad singer."

Teriyaki zapped U-1, but it bounced off the helmet and back to the bug, shocking herself.

"I'm gonna leave you guys to it," I said, getting up.  
I quickly jerked down. Aura was in the cage, and she was stripping again.  
"Aura bugging you?" said Paula.  
"Yeah. I forgot why I didn't want to come here again in the first place."  
I waited for a few minutes, then looked up. Aura was down to her undies.  
"WOW!" I squealed too loud.

She took off her undies and turned toward me.  
"Didn't get enough, Village Boy?" she teased.  
I groaned, and got up.  
"If you need me, I'll be over by the pinball table."  
I walked past the nude Aura, averting my gaze to the floor.  
"OH! Chicken, are we? Care to take a peek?"  
"No. One time is enough. Don't ever dance here again," I said quickly.  
Aura just flipped me off, and put her clothes back on.

The coin slot on the pinball machine was broken, so that meant I could play for free. I played five balls. By the time I finished the second ball, Teriyaki and Ma-San joined me at the table. They both saw me rack up to 5,000,000 points  
"MAMAMAMAM" said Ma-San (I've heard of computer cheat codes but this is rediculous!)  
"MAMAM" I asked (Why? You think you could do better?)  
I finished my last ball, then the mouse pushed the start button. She only got 50 points. Then Teriyaki Yoko had her turn. She racked up 10,000 points.  
"So close," she muttered.  
Then a blind man walked up to me. He was also deaf, so he had to communicate in sign language. I pulled out my translation book.  
Let's see...  
The gestures indicated he wanted a turn, so I looked up the counter gesture for the situation.  
The deaf, blind man pressed START, and using the five balls, reached the maximum of 999,999,999,999 points.  
Wow, I thought, Just like in "Tommy"!

That moment gave me an idea. I spoke it over with Teriyaki the next day at the studio. I said we should do a duet cover of "Pinball Wizard," using her practice of studio musicians doing the instrumental. I told her we could use this as the flipside of her next single.  
"All right," she said, "It's a go."

So for the next few days, I gathered my pals to record tracks for the song. These included:  
Rhythm guitar - Thomas Fay  
Lead Guitar - Lammy  
Gitaroo - U-1  
Drums - Ma-San  
No bass player. Who needs 'em, anyway?  
I did all this and narrowly avoided Rammy in the process.

The instrumental was finished, and all we needed was vocals from me and Teriyaki. We got in the singing booth together. The harmony definately sounded better than singing seperately.  
Next day, Jack Smash pieced together the single for release, and came out the day after.  
"Taste of Teriyaki" on the A-side, and "Pinball Wizard" on the B-side.

At the studio, all my friends were at the reception party in the studio lobby. Jack Smash came in with the Rolling Stone charts.  
"Get this, guys!" he announced, "'Pinball Wizard' is number 3!"  
Everyone cheered.  
"What about 'Taste of Teriyaki'?" said the bug.  
"It's 40."  
Furious, she zapped Jack.

I sat down in the corner to write a postcard.

Dear U-1,  
It's been great having you over here in Rodneytown. I want to thank you for playing on "Pinball Wizard". It's a smash hit! I wanna let you know that I've been admiring your gitaroo, and I'm interested in learning how to play it. Can't wait to see you again if I end up moving out!  
Thomas Fay

Then I heard a loud guitar riff. It was Rammy again.  
"VILLAGE BOY!" she said, "So, you thought you could get away with it by going on her side! That's the last straw for you. Now it's time for the challenge..."

I sighed. I didn't know what to do.  
"Believe!" said PaRappa.  
I smiled. I took a guitar from Lammy and began to play.


	9. Chapter 5: Show-Fur Katy

Me and Rammy are all good now from Chapter 4, but she threatened another guitar duel if I put another one over on her. I was thinking of the "Pinball Wizard" record I did with Teriyaki Yoko, and thought of doing the whole album with different bands, and getting them all together for the big finale.

With that said, I went to the studio the next day with the band MilkCan. I went in first to record a song on my own, "He Was My Brother", then a bit of the "Tommy" overture.

Captain Walker didn't come home.  
His unborn child will never know him.  
Believe him missin' with a number of men.  
Don't expect to see him again.

Lammy ended up crying again.  
The band came downstairs from the booth to the stage, and I told them about my "Tommy" idea. So we recorded a couple of songs with Jack Smash in the producers' position.  
We recorded "It's a Boy", "Eyesight to the Blind", "Do You Think It's All Right?", "Tommy, Can You Hear Me?", and "Miracle Cure". Then PaRappa came to visit and joined in on "There's a Doctor". Then we called it a day.

Later that night at the Texican Grill, I dug into a chicken enchilada. Everyone was talking about our recording sessions.  
"So Tom said he wanted to get other bands to record the rock opera with him, and we would all get together for the big ending," said Katy.  
"What's the whole Tommy thing about?" asked Paula Fox  
"It's about a kid who mysteriously goes deaf and blind," I explained, "Turns out it was a mental problem, not physical, so he gets cured by the doctor and becomes famous or something."  
Sunny started to cry. I think she muttered 'that poor boy' or something like that. PaRappa gave her a hug.

Then Katy changed the subject, "Hey, I got an appointment for driving lessons! I could be good as you, PaRappa!"  
"Well, good luck with that," he smiled.  
"When is it?" I asked  
"At around five. I gotta get down there any time soon."

I looked at my watch. It was 4:30 (3:30 central time). Katy has like a half-hour to get down there. Katy stood up and headed for the bathroom. I finished my enchilada, but before I stood up to leave, Rammy stopped me.  
"Could you do me a favor, Village Boy?" she said in a fake cutesy-cutesy voice.  
"What is it?"  
"Well, I'm getting a new bed for once, and it's supposed to be in tomorrow afternoon. Could I sleep in your bed for the night?"  
She gave me puppy eyes, but how could I easily trust her? I still sorta have a grudge on her and nervous that she might do something bad to me. But then again, Lammy has her good side, and I earned her good side at the end of Chapter 4.  
So I said "Okay, sure, but no heavy metal/goth behavior while at my pad."

I got up to leave for the teleportation machine. Katy followed for the driving school.  
"Lemmie know how it turns out. I'm rooting for you!" I said.  
Katy gave me the thumbs up, inserted a quarter, and dove right into the machine.

Nightfall came. At my pad, I was listening to my "Tommy" CD on the PlayStation, and compared it to the master tapes I recorded earlier. The phone rang.

"Hello?" I said.  
"It's me" said Katy's voice.  
"Oh, Hi, Katy. How'd it go?"  
"I got my licensee! Now I can drive to the studio without wasting my money on teleportation fare!"  
"That's cool!" then I heard the noise of the buzzer, "I gotta go. I have someone over tonight."

I hung up and went over to the buzzer, and held the TALK button.  
"Rammy?  
"Yep."  
"C'mon up."

A la Jerry Seinfeld, I unlocked the door and opened it a crack. I turned the music down on the TV the PlayStation is hooked up to. The ram went in through the door.  
"So?" she asked.  
"Lemmie just wash up a bit before we hit the sack."  
I went to the bathroom and turned on the shower. Then I squealed "WOW!", and the lights went out.

The next morning, I noticed Rammy left early. I went downstairs, where Katy was waiting with her new car.  
"Hey! That looks pretty cool!"  
"You like it? It's a hybrid."  
"I noticed. Can we pick up Lammy and head over to the studio?"  
"Sure, but first, we gotta get Ma-San. She lives one building over."  
I turned to the building next to me.  
"The pharmacy?"  
"Her father owns it."  
"Oh," I smirked, "All the time, your drummer is my neighbor."

I went inside to the counter. Sure enough, it was the wimpy human teen I ran into in Chapters 1 and 3.  
I was about to say hello, but then he said "You want fries with that?"  
"Could you just page Ma-San?" I asked.  
"You want fries with that?"  
"Why do you keep saying that?"  
"You want fries with that?"  
I groaned, and ran outside to Katy.

"It isn't working. Could you do something?"  
The cat went in and over to the teen. I followed.  
"I would like to speak to the daughter of the owner of this place."  
"You want fries with that?"  
"AARRGGHH!" she yelled.  
Then Ma-San came up and pulled her tail to get her attention.

"MAMA" she said (Here I am.)  
"MAMAMAMAMAM?" I asked from behind (What's with this guy?)  
"AMAMAM" she explained (He's supposed to say that. I don't know why. Ask my father.)

Well, at least we got Ma-San. Now to get Lammy.  
Katy dropped me off at the building. I pushed the buzzer.  
"Katy's got a new car, and is waiting for you. Are you occupied?"  
"Not at all. C'mon up," said Lammy.

I head up the stairs to the apartment (I didn't use the elevator anymore-I couldn't handle another problem with Charles.) I opened the door, only to find not only Lammy, but also Rammy.  
"Hello," I said with sarcasm, giving Rammy the eye.  
"What's with you two?" asked Lammy.  
"You didn't tell her?"  
"Tell me what?"  
Rammy fessed up, "I saw him naked!"  
"Rammy saw me naked," I said  
"I thought It was a closet!"  
"Who walks into a bathroom without knocking?!"

There was a long pause

"Forget it. Let's go."

LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.

So for the rest of the day, we did two more "Tommy" songs. We did the instrumental for "Sally Simpson" and Teriyaki Yoko joined in to sing lead on "Amazing Journey".

I went home and took out my last postcard.

Dear Mark,  
Last night was embarrassing. Rammy's bed was being changed, and she slept over at my place. The she saw me naked. I don't think I can trust her anymore. If you find a better place for me to live, let me know. Wait, actually, never mind. I had a town in mind. I'll write you about it once I move there.  
Thomas Fay

I put it in the postcard, and slept for my last night in Rodneytown.


	10. Chapter 6: It's a Nice Place to Visit

**NOTE: and I ended up living there!**

My last day in Rodneytown has finally arrived. I ran out of postcards, my recording contract expired, and I started to bid farewell to the apartment as prepared it for the new lease.

At the Texican Grill, the news spread.  
"You're leaving?" asked PaRappa.  
"Yeah, unfortunately, " I said, "After all those strange incidents that have happened. I think the other night when Rammy saw me naked was what did the trick."  
"So where are you moving to?" asked Teriyaki Yoko.  
"Upstate to Amity Park," I said, biting a corn chip, "It's supposed to be nice up there."  
"Isn't that place supposed to be inhabited by ghosts?" asked the shy Lammy.  
"That's all made-up mushy mush. Anyway, it's a couple miles north of Hollywood, and they have a recording studio! This could be my big break, and I could work on 'Tommy' a bit more."  
"I understand your confidence," said Lammy, shaking my hand, "Good luck!"

At around noon, the movers came to get my stuff. I shook all my friends' hands (and paws) as they bid me farewell. I remembered to take my guitar, my PlayStation, my bed, and the tapes from my "Tommy" sessions, including "Pinball Wizard".

As before, I sat in my bed in the back of the truck and watch the trees and beaches drift by on Highway 1. We turned onto the sunset strip, then over to Vine street, and took that the rest of the way.  
By the time we reached Amity Park, I thought to myself this is what I could call home. The truck went up a couple of more blocks, and up to the building labeled "Fenton Works"... Wait a minute. Why does that look so familiar?

I got the house next door. No elevator, so that meant no Charles, thank goodness. I stepped out of the back and helped with the stuff. The town was windy, and I felt what seemed a quick gust. I looked in the direction it went. It appeared to be a ghost. Lammy must've been right.  
The truckers gave me a map of the town and left afterwards. I went inside. There were two floors. The bedroom was upstairs. Everything else was downstairs. I sat down to strum my guitar and practice some songs from "Tommy". Boy, was I so bored.

I decided to get another batch of postcards for my stay. I went to the pharmacy two blocks down, and picked up about three or four. No teens asking for fries were lurking about, so I felt kinda safe. I paid for my postcards and left. Then I felt another gust of wind, and it turned out to be caused by the same ghost I saw earlier. I dismissed it, and head back to the new pad.

I was still bored. I was alone with a pesky fly. Time to have some fun, I thought. I took a small glass and piece of brass (don't ask where I got it from), captured the fly, and took it to the door. As I opened it, I felt the gust again and saw a teen standing there about to knock.

"WOW!" I squealed.  
In unison, we said "You look strikingly familiar!"  
The kid held up a CD. It was my album!  
He said "You're that new guy from Greenwich Village that everyone's talking about! I'm Danny."  
Man, was he quick with first impressions! Then I put two and two together  
"I'm the guy," I said, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before, like...the moving truck, or... the pharmacy?"  
Danny was SO busted.  
"I confess," he said, "I'm the ghost."

Then FLASH! His hair turned white, and changed to wearing a black jumpsuit, and floated up and down.  
"Okay, I get the point," I said, "But at least I have a fan. What're you here for, anyway? Greeting the neighbors?"  
"Yeah," said Danny, "Listen, my parents don't know anything about me being a ghost, so I'm pretty uncomfortable about being here. How about we meet somewhere for a bite to eat?"  
"Sounds good."

Then FLASH, he was back to himself.  
"Nice knowin' ya!" he said, and left.  
Remembering I still had the fly in my hand, I set it free, and slammed the door so it wouldn't escape back inside. I sat down and studied the map for the hotspots. There was a Chipotle (an excellent Tex-Mex chain, compared to Taco Bell), a recording studio called Moon Records, no park (ironically) and a music store.

There were no teleportation machines in sight, so I hailed down a cab. I'm too cheap to afford a car. I rode the cab to the recording studio, head inside, and to the front desk. The receptionist was slightly younger than the one back at Pet Records. Speaking of which, when I was kicked out of Pet, they gave me a note for other labels, stating that I can continue my music career on the new label.

I gave the note to the secretary. She skimmed it, then gave it back.  
"I think we have a spor for you here on Moon, Mr. Fay," she said.  
"Thank you," I answered, "Are there any artists here that I should get to know here?"  
"None in particular."  
"Woah! That's the same band I was thinking of!"  
"Have fun!"

I head up the stairs to my recording booth. The producer was a guy named Graham Cracker, and seemed like a nice guy. I showed him the note, sat down with guitar in hand, and he sat down at the tape recorder.  
"So, this note says you're from Greenwich Village, and you're doing a 'Tommy' project with various bands."  
"Yep. Did some of them over at Pet."  
"Well, let's here a bit of your resume."  
Graham pressed the RECORD button and I played "A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall". After seven minutes of music, he stopped the tape.  
"That was great. You're in."

That night at the Chipotle, I was at a booth with Danny and a goth girl.  
"Congratulations on the record label, buddy!" said Danny.  
"Thanks, D. So who's your friend?"  
"Oh, this is Sam. She's vegetarian goth, and we're not dating."  
"Yet" said Sam.  
"Thank goodness," I said, "I had a bit of trouble with a goth someone back in Rodneytown."  
Then Danny added "I have another friend named Tucker, but he's outta town for the moment."  
"Sorry to hear that. How did you end up as a ghost in the first place?"  
"Well, my parents study ghosts. They capture them and banish them and stuff like that. They're obsessed. Anyway, they did this thing which was supposed to lead to the ghost world, and when they plugged it in, it didn't work. They left, and I went in there and noticed the ON switch was set to OFF. So I pressed ON, and FLASH! Ectoplasm fused to my DNA and I was granted with ghost powers."  
"And your parents don't know a thing?" I asked, "What are you, chicken?"  
"They're ghost hunters, man! If they find out, who knows what's gonna happen to me! Maybe they'll kill me or dissect me or something."  
"Believe me," I conforted, "If I strange powers, say like the ability to fly, I'd let my folks know ASAP...unless they don't care for that kind of stuff."  
"Thanks," said Danny, "That's good advice."

A taxicab pulled up, and out stepped a girl with a haircut similar to Danny's. I was about to ask who she was, but before I could speak, Danny stood up to call her over.  
"Hey, Dani! Over here!"  
She got the spot next to Sam, and faced me.  
"Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"  
"On an album cover, maybe. I'm the Village Boy."  
She smiled and shook my hand. It was lightweight and nearly hollow.  
"Danny, is she a ghost too?" I said, sipping my margarita.  
"She's my girl clone," he said.  
I spit my drink back into the glass. A GIRL CLONE?  
"A bad guy did that to attack me, but we're cool now," he explained

LET US NEVER BRING THIS UP AGAIN!

After re-sipping the margarita, Danny spoke up.  
"I understand you're trying to recreate the whole 'Tommy' rock opera."  
"Yeah. I have a couple of songs completed back at the old studio. I plan to do some more if I get new accompanists," I said.  
"I think we can work on this with you," said Sam, "That is, If we know what Tommy was about."  
"We'll talk about it tomorrow," I said, and we dismissed ourselves to the front door.

While waiting for a cab, I stood by Danny.  
"Are you gonna fly home and confess to your Mom that all this time you could turn into a ghost and all that jazz?" I suggested.  
"After much consideration, I'll give it a shot."

So he turned into a ghost and flew home. Dani followed. I was left with Sam. We ended up; riding in two separate cabs.

At home, I pulled out a clean postcard and wrote to Lammy.

Lammy,  
I underestimated Amity Park. There are ghosts here, and Elvis is said to be on the Moon record label. But that's okay. I've made friends with two of them. We might get together and work on "Tommy". If you come by, drop in.  
Thomas Fay

I put in the mailbox by the door, and went upstairs to hit the sack. This ends my first day at Amity Park.


	11. Chapter 7: A Day at the Studio

The next day, I was outside the Moon building, waiting for Danny and the crew to show up. If I was going to do this "Tommy" album at Amity Park, I had to assemble a band to back me up. Sam told me that they were musically talented and that they would bring instruments.  
So there I was, strumming my guitar, and walking a few laps around the block like a walking troubadour. Eventually, after my third lap, I found the party, and we head inside to the receptionist. Sam had an electric guitar, Dani was blowing a harmonica, Danny said he would use the keyboard inside, and a couple of unnamed buddies pitched in on basses, saxes, and horns.

The receptionist looked up.  
"Hello, Tom. The boss has been looking for you," she said  
"Well, tell 'em I'm here and I got a crew," I said back.  
So she picked up the phone.  
"Mr. Cracker, Thomas Fay and party is at the front desk," then hung up, "Go right on in."

So we did. Graham Cracker was waiting for us, looking a bit heavy on the front (if you know what I mean). I shook hands.  
"Cut the small talk, Fay. Who're these guys?" he asked.  
"Oh, yeah!" I said quickly, "Say hello to Thomas Fay and the Danny Phantom Band."  
"OHHHH. A rhythm-and blues accompanist band, eh?"  
"You could say that. These guys have volunteered in my quest to covering the 'Tommy' album!"  
"Can't wait to hear what you got, buddy," he said, pointing down the hall, "Your studio will be on the ninth door on the right. Good luck!"

We walked down the hall. Nearing the fifth door, I passed the ghost of Elvis.  
"Hiya, king! Always good to greet the big-times!"  
There was a pause, then he said "Do I know you?"  
I gave him my promotional EP and carried on.

"Danny, you told Mom about the whole ghost situation. right?" I reminded him.  
"Yeah. We're cool with it," said Danny, as we arrived at the ninth door.

The studio was larger than the one I used yesterday. We had enough room for the whole band, and there was an electric keyboard in the corner, as Danny expected. A band member without an instrument, named Murry, went to the booth, and assumed his position as producer.  
"So what're we going to play first?" said Dani, having her harmonica at ready.  
"You guys know 'Red Rooster'?"  
They nodded yes.

So Murry started the tape and we began to play. Then when finished, we recorded "Stand by Your Man". I took the low notes, and Dani sang the high notes.  
When we finished, I said "This is going on the single!"

Then there was a buzz on the phone. Murry answered it, then turned to us.  
"Does anyone know this woman?" he asked  
"That could be for me," I said, rushing up to the booth, "Who is it?"  
"Someone who goes by Teriyaki Yoko."  
I grabbed the phone from him.  
"Hi, Egg-yolk."  
"You're not seriously calling me that, are you?"  
"Zat a problem?"  
"No. I'm cool with it, hon."  
"Good. Now what is it?"  
"Well," she took a breath, "My contract for Pet Records ran out as well, and I was thinking of switching over to your label."  
"Yeah, and?"  
"I'm in the town and I need to know where it is."  
"Oh, yeah!" I picked up a nearby business card, "Moon Records, 269 Farnsby Street."  
"Thanks, Hon. I'll be seeing you."  
"Okay. Take care, Egg-yolk!" I gave the phone back to Murry, and went back down to the stage.  
"Egg-yolk? Are you seriously calling her that?" asked a suspicious Danny.  
Turns out the intercom was on all the time. Murry blushed.

Now, back to recording "Tommy". The brass guys did the overdubs on "It's a Boy", then we did a full session of "1951", "Cousin Kevin" and "Sensation". Then I left the studio to wait for Teriyaki's arrival, leaving the band to do the instrumental "Sparks".

I went down to the receptionist and asked.  
"Did Teriyaki Yoko come through here yet?"  
"Yes."  
"Tell her to come to Studio 9 when she's available."  
The receptionist picked up the phone and paged for Yoko. I went back to the studio door, and waited. A couple of historical figures floated/walked by, and I greeted them.  
Elvis Presley: "Elv! Good to see you again!"  
John Lennon: "Hi, John. How is it?"  
Carl and Dennis Wilson: "Good to see you together again!"  
I didn't get any responses, probably because no one here knew who I was.

Then I saw Teriyaki Yoko leave her sound-stage. I waved her over, and she was delighted to see me.  
"Ah, Tom honey," she said, "Nice to see you again. How you doin'?"  
"Fine, I'm digging the new...UH-OH!"  
I forgot Rammy was part of her accompanist band, because she was standing right BEHIND her, and pretty much lost it by now. I screamed, and ran into the studio booth.  
"I thought you said he got your good side."  
"Yeah, as long as he stops making chart-busters, but does he listen to me? NO!"  
"Rammy," she said, "SIT ON IT!"

Teriyaki went into the booth while Rammy waited outside. The band already finished the instrumental, and was waiting for the next song.  
"Egg-yolk, these are my new accompanists. The Danny Phantom Band."  
"Nice to know 'em, hon. What's on the agenda now?"  
"I was wondering if you had time, we could do a couple of 'Tommy' songs."  
"Like what?"  
"Like you sing on 'Acid Queen' and we duet on 'Sally Simpson'. How about that?"  
"All right. Anything for my fellow musicians!"

The band applauded and we began to play, with Murry at the tape recorder. We shook hands, and all of us called it a day. Teriyaki, Sam, and I were waiting for a cab.  
"So listen, if you come across this building called 'Fenton Works', I'm right next door, so pop in anytime you want."  
"I'll think about it, hon," she said, and got into the cab. Sam got into another one, and I was waiting for the third.  
Then I turned around and saw Rammy behind me.  
"WOW!" I squealed.  
"VILLAGE BOY! This is the last straw! You thought you'd never see me again so you could go on and make number-one hits, but you were WRONG! Now you're going to PAY!"  
Just then a cab appeared, and I bolted inside.

Later at the pad, I wrote my postcard of the day.

Dear Wild Oscar,  
How's it going, old village buddy? This Amity Park place is kinda cool, and they got a recording studio there. Sure it needs a few repairs, but other than that, it was fine. I'm looking forward to seeing you soon if I ever come back to the big apple.  
Thomas Fay

I slipped the postcard in a nearby mail truck, and it went on its way.  
It was true that I felt like I wouldn't see Rammy again, but I guess I put one over on her.


	12. Chapter 8: Ghost-Boy, can you hear me?

I woke up the next morning, thinking this would be another uneventful day. Then the phone rang. It was Danny.

"The recording studio is all booked up," he said, "So I was thinking of band practice at my place. What do you say?"  
"Okay. I'll be right over," I said, good naturedly.  
I went out with my guitar in hand to the next pad over. There was a strange automobile with crawler tracks for wheels, which I supposed was the family's car. It was gone today, so I suggest the parents are out. I went in and down the stairs to the basement.

I saw the band members scattered about the place, along with ghost-catching equipment and amplifiers. The large round thing mounted on the wall must've been the portal Danny was telling me about. Anyway, I joined Danny and Dani at the microphones up front.  
"We were just dueting 'Mama Don't Dance' before you got here," explained Dani, "and we were waiting for you so we could record."  
"So you got yourself a Loggins and Messina act, eh?" I exclaimed, "Well good for you."  
I stroked the back of my hand alongside Dani's cheek. She giggled.

I walked to the back to Murry's (the producer) booth and turned on the tape recorder. I went back to the front, and grabbed my guitar. Murry gave us the signal, and we began to sing. They sounded almost LIKE Loggins and Messina.

At the end, I went back to the recorder and switched it off, but on my way back, I tripped on a cord. The portal zapped off, revealing its inner workings. I went inside and checked. There was the On/Off switch. I pressed Off for safety. I didn't notice that Murry plugged the portal back in.  
I heard Danny mutter "Here we go again..." as I checked the switch.  
I pressed On, and the portal went on with a flash.

My eyes slammed shut from the blinding light, and finally I slid out against the waxed floor.  
Several of the band members yelled "Tom, can you hear me?"  
I could only respond in song, still with eyes closed.

See me,  
Feel me,  
Touch me,  
Heal me!

Eventually, I woke up, band members watching. I looked down. The color on my clothes turned white-on-black. Negative.  
"That's the same thing that happened to me!" said Danny, "You're half ghost now."  
"WOW!" I squealed.

I was speechless. I jumped up, but didn't fall back down. I could learn to like this...  
Anyway, the rest of the band members left, leaving the room empty except for me, Danny, and Dani. They gave me the 101 on ghost flying and walking through walls, and importantly, how to turn back to normal. (Also, I can't take my ghost garb off, so I have to use the bathroom before I do so) I got the hang of it, and after turning back, I took my guitar and left.

I walked through the door to find that my answering machine was beeping. I played the message.

"Hello, Tom. This is Graham Cracker. Danny probably told you that the studio was used up this morning. Well, It's clearing up as I speak, and I was wondering if you still want to drop by and record. So give me a call, eh?"

There was a beep, and another message.

"Hey, I got this number from Teriyaki Yoko. I hope this is the right number, and if it is, I'm leaving a message for Thomas Fay. Tom, I have a copy of Thomas Fay and the Danny Phantom Band, and I like this stuff. I understand you're the bandleader, and I was wondering if you were open for a photo shoot for next week's copy of our magazine, the Watchtower. Anyway, call me back if you're in."

I decided to answer this guy's call, and also Graham Cracker. I went to the phone, but it rang again. I answered it.

"Hello?"  
"This is Rammy. I'm onto you and your i**** ghost friend. When would it be a good time for you to..."

I hung up. If Rammy was going to threaten me, she would've done it personally rather than over the phone.

ANYWAY...

I called Danny and the band and told them about the magazine photoshoot. Then I called the magazine to tell them I accept. They told me the location would be outside the local Chipotle.  
At the Chipotle we had our pictures taken in various poses, then came the individuals of Danny, Dani, and me, in both human and ghost forms.

"Excellent", said the photographer, "The boss is gonna like you guys! You'll be the cover article!"

I tipped him with a 20 and we moved on to the studio. The first two people I saw were the receptionist and Teriyaki Yoko.  
"Thanks for giving the magazine my phone number, Egg-yolk."  
"Anything for my friends, hon."

Then I turned to the new elevator that was said to be installed this morning. I pressed the button for UP, and the band prepared for entry. We entered but was pushed out by the elevator operator...CHARLES.  
"You thought you'd never see me again. BEAT IT, WIMP!" he said a la Lorenzo Music.  
So we took the stairs, and into the nearest vacant sound stage. We recorded "Welcome", "Fiddle About", and "Tommy's Holiday Camp" for the "Tommy" project, then cut "Heroes and Villains" and "I Got You, Babe" for any upcoming albums.

Later that night, at Chipotle, I was with Danny, Dani, and Sam (Remember, she's in the band too), telling them about how I got the phone call for the magazine.  
"Lucky," said Sam, "I had a previous experience with a magazine. Danny did the pictures."  
Danny just blushed.  
Then I heard a taxicab come to a halt. I couldn't see through the curtains that covered the low half of the window. It was Teriyaki Yoko. She went over to my booth.  
"Sorry I'm late, hon," she explained, "I had beef with Rammy about you."  
"And?"  
"She says she's out to kill you."

We all ducked beneath the table. Teriyaki peeked out through the curtain.  
"Is she there?"  
"Yes."

Rammy was outside the window, middle finger at the ready, waiting for us to make our move. I spotted a police man over by the pick-up counter. I quickly slipped out and walked over.  
"Excuse me sir," I said, "But there's a ram outside waiting to attack me, and I was wondering if you can escort me to a cab."  
"Just give a minute. I was thinking of getting a burrito."

I slowly walked back.  
"He's going to get a burrito," I said.  
I turned around, but the cop said  
"I'd like a quesadilla."  
I walked back over to him.  
"What are you doing? You said you were getting a burrito!"  
"Well, I thought of eating light, so I'm getting a quesadilla."  
"Make it quick, but enjoy," I said.  
I turned back to the table, but went back to the cop and slipped something in his ear.  
"You know, a burrito can be very filling!"

I went back to the table, and crouched down at avoid Rammy seeing me.  
"Is she still out there?"  
Teriyaki peeped out again and nodded.  
"I remembered something," said Danny, "A good ghost power is possessing somebody else. Maybe you can do that and lure Rammy away."

So I turned into a ghost, flew through the window, and into Rammy. Now in her body, I ran her around to the other opposite side of the block, then flew out and back to the table.  
"Thanks for the tip!"

We stood up to leave, and flew home, leaving Sam and Teriyaki back at Chipotle to wait for a cab.

At home, I wrote a postcard.

Hi, Short Martin,  
I understand you have a thing about ghosts. Well, I was sabotaged earlier today, and not I'm half ghost. Don't freak out, cause I'm not overly-using it. Anyway, I'm digging Amity Park, and if I come back, I might see you no longer short.  
Thomas Fay

I slipped the postcard in the nearby mailbox, and locked the door so Rammy can't get in.


	13. Chapter 9: The Humiliating Bootleg (M)

**Note: Rated "M" for Lime moment halfway down**

Ever since Teriyaki Yoko gave me the news that Rammy was out to get me, I became a bit paranoid that she would find out where I lived. So every time I left the pad, I turned to ghost form and used the invisibility power, so she wouldn't see me if she was there. Another option was, like the other night, was to posses her body and run her elsewhere on the block.

Anyway, I spent more time with Danny, Dani, and the band. The Watchtower magazine came out today with one of our pictures on the cover.  
"You take a good picture, Tom", said Danny  
"So do you," I said, rubbing my fist on his cheek.

At the studio, I decided to put a hold on "Tommy" for a while, and go back to my Village routes. There was limited studio time, so the only song we did was "My Back Pages". On our way out, I dropped eves on the studio where Teriyaki Yoko was working in. I heard her arguing with Rammy. They were talking about me, and that Rammy vows revenge on me.  
Then she calmed down and concluded, "I banish you. You're banished. From every video game."  
"Ouch," I said.

Then Rammy entered the hallway. I started to make a break for it, but she caught me.  
"VILLAGE BOY! I got fired, my guitar strings broke again, and I STILL don't have any messages on my BEEPER! ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!"  
"Well, if you're not planning to kill me, none of this wouldn't have happened."  
"If I actually LIKED the type of music you guys play-which I don't-none of THIS would've happened!"  
"If I haven't met you in the first place, we wouldn't even know each other now."

Then Rammy bent down low, hands above the back of her head "That hurt, Village Boy. That really hurt,"  
"Well, what do I do now?"  
The black ewe tossed a pill bottle. There was a label on it. It said:  
THIS IS A PILL. JUST TAKE IT BEFORE BED. YOU"LL FEEL BETTER IN THE MORNING.  
"Uhhh..."  
"Just accept it. I'm sorry we got off on the wrong start," said Rammy, smiling.  
"So are we good now?"  
"Just so-so. One more screw-up with my involvement, and you're dead."  
I turned to leave, but when I reached the stairs, I heard a "Psst!" I turned around. RAMMY FLIPPED ME OFF!

Later at Chipotle, I had lunch with Teriyaki Yoko. It was just me and her, no one else.  
"Have you ever imagined me in the nude?"  
"I find it hard to imagine celebrities in the nude."  
"Just asking."  
I shivered, then changed the subject.  
"So I understand you fired Rammy."  
"Yeah. When she told me she was after you, I blew a fuse. The studio was closed for the night, so I didn't have time to break it to her. Look, hon. Rammy's out, so I'm on my own now."  
"Well, that's a relief," I sighed.  
Then the bug said, "How bout you come to my place for the night?"  
"Good, because I don't want Rammy to know where I live. If I sleep with you, she wouldn't suspect a thing."

I went to the music store a few blocks over. It wasn't so crowded. It was just right. I found a small area devoted to me and my associated acts. The boss saw me, and sent me to the front to sign autographs. Unexpected, but it was worth it.

That night, I was at Egg-yolk's hotel room (I left the strange pill back it my place). It was normal, with one bed, a bathroom, and had a couple of windows for the breeze. Egg-yolk put on one of my records while I took a shower. I heard some strange clicks and saw some flashes coming from inside the bath, but I took little heed.  
I dried up and put a towel on.  
"I think there might be cameras in the shower. Is someone trying to get a picture of us?" I asked.  
"Cameras? In the shower? I dunno."  
Egg-yolk went in and closed the door. A few minutes later, she came out with her towel on, and a pill in her hand.  
"You're right. I wonder who hooked those up."

I noticed the pill.  
"Don't worry," she said, "It's just birth control."  
She swallowed it, and took some water. I heard someone near the window press a button. I turned around, but there was no one there. I turned back. Egg-yolk took her towel off...?  
"Are you trying to seduce me or something, Egg-yolk?" I shivered.  
"Well you said you never saw a nude celebrity before," she said.  
Oh, me and my big mouth.

I took my towel off too. She turned off the light on the side table, and got in the bed with me. Now we were both naked and clean from the shower. There was a lot of moaning and groaning from the both of us as we collided. Midway, we both heard a loud click and a bright flash from the window. I looked up-there was nobody. Must've been a hit-and-run paparazzi.  
Anyway, I heard the loudest moan from Egg-yolk, must've indicated that it "went in". Then I heard a snap from the window. I got up and toward the window. All the time, we were being recorded on tape. It was mounted to the top of the window, but I couldn't reach it.  
"Are you coming back to bed?" said Egg-yolk.  
"We've been bugged," I said, "No offense."

Morning came, and I was still in Yoko's room. I quickly put on my shirt and pants from last night, turned into a ghost, and quietly flew away. The tape recorder I saw last night wasn't there anymore.

Later at the music store, I was with Danny and Dani, browsing various CD's. I told them about what happened with me and Teriyaki.  
"You made out with her?" said Dani.  
"She took a pill. It wasn't like she was going to give birth to a... human-bug hybrid!"  
Then I found my section. I found the usual albums, but then I saw a new CD.  
"WOW!" I squealed.  
The CD cover had a picture of Me and Egg-yolk in the bed from last night.  
THOMAS FAY AND TERIYAKI YOKO  
30 MINUTE MAKE-OUT SESSION  
PLUS RECENT SINGLES!  
"Who's the boot that made this bootleg?" I said, "This is so humiliating!"  
Dani just fainted. Danny took the CD and read the back.  
"Two of your favorite celebrities have s** before your very ears?"  
"What about the singles?"  
"It includes 'Pinball Wizard,' 'Taste of Teriyaki,' and 'Heroes and Villains'."  
"I didn't even authorize this! Soon everyone will buy this album and will think what a pimp I am. What'll the guys in the village think?"  
"They'll think you've done hard work and took time off to humiliate everyone else.  
"What's the label? Maybe I can tell them to stop pressing it."  
There was no label.

I ended up buying the album so I could dig up some dirt on who made the bootleg. In the booklet were pictures of me and Egg-yolk in the shower. That must've been the clicking I heard!  
There were a few more pages of this stuff, then I found songwriting credit for the extra songs, and finally the information I wanted.  
IF YOU LIKE THIS ALBUM AND WANT TO HEAR MORE LIKE THIS, WRITE TO  
NUDE TOM  
555 PARK RD  
AMITY PARK, CA 90909  
I put that on my to do list for later. In the meantime, I had to write my postcard.

Dear Jerry,  
How's stuff? Next time you go to the music store, don't look under my section. Why? There's a bootleg there, and the most humiliating one I've ever encountered. Don't buy it.  
Worried,  
Thomas Fay

I turned my attention to the strange pill that Rammy gave me the other day. The label said to take before bed, and the sun was finished setting. So I swallowed it, and hit the sack.


	14. Chapter 10: Bootlegging Lesbianism (M)

**NOTE: Rated "M" for gender-bending and** ** _another_** **lime moment**

The next morning, I forgot about the pill until I woke up. I looked down my pajamas. I saw girl flesh. That can't be good... I put my hand on my crotch. Girl flesh also. I went to the phone and called Danny.

"Danny? Tom," I said. My voice hasn't changed. "I don't know what happened, but I think I turned into a girl."  
"What're you going to do?"  
"Maybe experience lesbianism."  
"You could pair up with Dani. I understand she's into that type."  
"Well, anyway, could you come over and sort this out?"

He came over. It turned out my gender was mixed.  
Head/Hair-Male  
Chest-Female  
Arms/Hands-Male  
Crotch-Female  
Legs/Feet-Male

So the pill just changed the differences of a boy and a girl, and kept the similarities and hair. I was still able to turn into a ghost, though.

Dani came over and noticed the "girl" me. She blushed and gave me a hug.  
"I LOVE YOU!" she said with glee.  
"WOW!" I squealed, "If we're going out, this will be just a one-night-stand, okay?"

SO ANYWAY

I was walking down an alleyway, looking for the mysterious NUDE TOM place. I looked up at a map drawn in graffiti, but then I saw a shadow behind me. It looked like it was Rammy, from the ears and horns, but I wasn't taking chances. I turned around... only it wasn't Rammy. It was Lammy. She gave me a hug.

"Tom, it's good to see you again! I was getting worried about you and thought you would be surrounded by ghosts!" she said.  
"So far, I haven't met a ghost I didn't like."  
"What?  
"Two of them are my neighbors. We're cool about it."

Then Lammy looked down at my bosom.  
"What happened?"  
"Rammy gave me a pill. Now I'm booked for a lesbian date."  
"With Teriyaki Yoko? I heard about your humiliating bootleg. Do you think Rammy is behind that?"  
"That's what I'm trying to find out."

Lammy pulled out a pill box.  
"I found Rammy at her new house developing pills. I was afraid sooner or later she would test on me, so I snagged one of her antidote pills. Would you like it?"  
"Thanks, Lammy," I said, taking the pill box and putting it in my pocket, "How long are you going to be here?"  
"I dunno. Maybe for a couple of days."  
"Maybe I'll see you later!"

I waved goodbye, and left the alleyway. I was lost, so I decided to fly back home. I should've took a cab.  
I looked at my watch, and it was time for the date with Dani. I flew down to Danny's pad, and landed in his room, where Dani was waiting on the top of the bunk bed.  
"You made it," said Danny, "and you got an antidote for that pill. I'm going to be out with Sam, my parents are out on their anniversary, so I guess you got the place to yourself."  
"Oh, goodie! We get to play by ourselves!" said Dani, a bit childish.  
"Uhhh..." I said  
"Good luck!"

Danny closed the door, then Dani started taking off her clothes and her arguably nice hat. I took off mine, blushing. Then I climbed up the bunk, and Dani gave me the 101 on making out lesbian style. Then I heard the same camera clicks and flashed from the other night, and after a half hour, I heard a click. ANOTHER TAPE RECORDER!

I had enough of it. There was another humiliating bootleg on its way. I kissed Dani on the lips, then fled through the wall and back to my place. I sighed in exhaustion, then took the antidote pill Lammy gave me.

I noticed the postcard on my side table. I took out a pencil and made a revision.

Dear Jerry,  
How's stuff? Next time you go to the music store, don't look under my section. Why? There's two bootleg albums there, and they're the most humiliating ones I've ever encountered. Don't buy either of them, unless you're in search of singles.  
Worried,  
Thomas Fay

I quickly tossed into the mailbox, and went to bed.

The next morning, I was 100% boy again. I don't know what'll Dani think of this, but at least it's over.

I went to the music store to see if that bootleg came, and sure enough, it was.  
THOMAS FAY AND DANI FENTON  
30 MINUTE MAKE-OUT SESSION  
PLUS RECENT SINGLES!  
I turned it over and read  
"Thomas Fay, turned into a girl by popular demand, makes out with one of her bandmates in your own living room!"  
The singles were "He Was My Brother" and "My Back Pages".

I reluctantly purchased the album and went home. The booklet had nude pictures of me and Dani standing in the nude a la John and Yoko. I found the credits, and the address. That's that last straw. This NUDE TOM thing has got to stop.

I went out and hailed down a cab. Taking it to Park Road, I found the place, and went inside. At the controls was...  
"RAMMY! I should've known!"  
"That's for getting me fired out of Teriyaki Yoko's band! It was I who set up those hidden cameras and the tape recorder!"  
"Why me? I thought we were good since you gave me the pill."  
"Remember when I flipped you off? I noticed you had a thing with the bug."  
"It wasn't my fault I made out with her. She made me do it!"  
Rammy grunted.  
"What about the pill? What'd you give me that for? All it did was turn me into a girl."  
"Exactly. I assumed your thing with her was going to carry on the day after, so I advised you to take that at bedtime."  
"I wasn't with her two nights in a row. I was busy feeling humiliating when you put out the bootleg at the music store. THEN I took the pill, hoping I'd feel better. Then I was a girl, and my neighbor set me up with his lesbian sister, and you made a bootleg of that too! Now everyone will think I'm a virgin... not that there's anything wrong with that."

Rammy fainted as before.  
"I'm such a fool. I didn't think you'd see those bootlegs because you don't even GO to the music store!"  
"I only do it on occasion. Now I've had it with one-night-stands. I don't want people to thing that every girl I meet becomes a girlfriend. Promise me you'll stop producing those records and pull them from the stockrooms."  
Rammy stood up.  
"It's a deal, but on one condition."  
"Should I negotiate with Egg-yolk about putting you back with her band?"  
"No. Get me a spot with MilkCan."

So the promise was accepted. I met Lammy at the Chipotle, with Danny, Dani, Egg-yolk, Sam, and Rammy. After introducing her to the cast of characters, I told Lammy about Rammy's negotiation. She was on board, and I felt like it's good to see twins in the same band.

So anyway, Lammy left town with Rammy in tow, so I guess I have nothing to worry about anymore. I considered chucking the bootlegs Rammy made, but they have my singles on it, so I kept them.

I heard a beep from my pocket-it was my cell phone. I read the text.  
TOM  
WHAT BOOTLEGS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  
I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING UNOFFICIAL.  
JERRY

They must've sold out finally.


	15. Chapter 11: Good (pregnant) Vibrations

With Rammy gone, I can relax more. I'm down to one postcard, so that meant I would be moving out by the end of the chapter.  
I spent my afternoon at the studio, mixing down what I have so far on "Tommy" (I listened to the album enough times to memorize it), merging tracks together into one song (Like "Amazing Journey" and "Sparks"). Murry the engineer helped me out too.

I forgot I didn't turn on the red light when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it to see Teriyaki Yoko.  
"Egg-yolk?"  
"Oh, you're busy, hon? I'll come back later."  
"No, actually. I was just finishing up," I said, walking out the door, "Now what is it?"  
"I've been listening to my own songs recently, and..." She put her hand on my shoulder, "You know how some of your friends say that I'm a bad singer?"  
"Uh-huh."  
"Well, I guess they're right. I sound awful, and I had to zap myself."  
"Ouch. So?"  
"I realized that I sound a lot better when I sing with you."  
"That's nice. You're saying we should do another song?"  
She nodded.

I went back to Murry and told him to scram. We're going to be using our studio.  
"I had some instrumentals all cued up for us," said Egg-yolk.  
"Like what?"  
"Ever had any good vibrations lately?"  
"Yeah."  
"SILLY!" she noogied me, "It's that Beach Boys song!"  
"I knew that."

We both laughed, then pressed record. She took the high notes, and I took the low. We got it nailed in one take, no flaw. Then my band came in as we played it back.  
"You with a lame singer?" said Danny, "This is insane."  
"She's aware of that," I snapped, "Now shut up or she'll zap you!"

Egg-yolk cleared out after the song, and the Danny Phantom Band set up their instruments. I had it all worked out. We did "Hushabye" for the single, with the whole band taking part. We thought of it as a way of saying "I'm leaving the band, but I hope to hear from them." Then we did "Extra, Extra," for "Tommy." That was a song from the movie, but I decided to put it in our album anyway. I'm picturing this song to set listeners up for "Pinball Wizard".

I had nothing worth writing on my postcard, so I'm giving my closure at Amity Park one more full day.

The next day, I had Mexican for lunch at Chipotle. I got the window booth with Danny, Dani, and Sam. Danny told me about one of his ex-girlfriends, Val. He broke up because she was hunting the ghost him down. I think she couldn't tell the difference. Believe me, I can easily recognize him in both forms since the day we met.

Anyway, Danny dropped the news about Val.  
"She's pregnant?!" I exclaimed.  
"With Dash," Danny explained, "He's a jock. I'm always the victim when it comes to locker-stuffing at school."  
"I don't think she deserves his baby. She deserves 'Rosemary's Baby'".  
Dani blushed.  
"Does Val know that both of you are ghosts?"  
"Never had, and probably never will."  
"I'm invited to her shower," said Dani, "So I'll bring it up when I can."  
"Where is it supposed to be?"  
"She said she was taking up the first empty building she comes upon."

I kept repeating to myself "Please don't let her choose my pad."

"I have considered moving out sometime soon, so I can continue my 'Tommy' work elsewhere," I said, changing the subject.  
"Moving?" moaned Dani.  
"Don't worry. I'll write," I said, "Anyway, they're having the Super Bowl tonight, and I was wondering if any of your friends would be interested in watching with me. Hmm, Danny?"  
"I'll bring those who trust me, and I'll help you getting the sodas."  
"Deal."

After lunch, we flew to the music store to check the sales. My section was coming along quite nicely. I also saw the Good Vibrations/Hushabye single up front.  
"By the way," asked Danny, "What happened to those bootlegs of you, Egg-yolk, and Dani?"  
"Rammy stripped them from the market, and moved back to Rodneytown. So no more of her interference with me from now on."  
Then the manager walked up to us.  
"Thomas Fay and the Danny Phantom Band?" he asked.  
"Well, we're three of them."  
"How'd you like to sign some autographs?"

We were obliged. We sat at the back of the store signing the album covers. Some of those were my older albums from Pet Records, while some others snuck the bootlegs on the table. I signed them anyway.  
At store closing, Dani turned into a ghost.  
"I'm off to the shower. Wish me luck!"  
"Do you even know WHERE they are?" I asked,  
"I'll find them."

I just hoped they weren't going for my pad.

Danny and I started to make our way to a super market for party drinks for the Super Bowl.  
"What time does it start?" he asked.  
"Midnight..."  
"THAT LATE?"  
"10:00 Pacific time."  
"Perfect."

After a few trips to some other stores for Super Bowl-related stuff, we head for home to set up, but as soon as I opened the door, you'll never guess what was waiting for us.

VAL'S SHOWER WAS AT MY PLACE!

"Boys in a girls' shower?" she said, "Who do you think you're kidding?!"  
"This is my pad. We were going to watch the super bowl."

Danny put the bags in my hands and went to confront her.  
"Valerie."  
"Danny?"  
"It's been a long time. Do anything lately?"  
"I dunno. Did stuff. Got pregnant."  
"Catch ghosts?"  
She started to look a bit suspicious, "What made you think that?"

Danny turned to Dani and whispered in her ear.  
"You didn't tell here?"  
"I thought she wasn't ready to hear that."  
Danny cleared his throat, and FLASH, they became ghosts. Val was surprised.  
"That's right. I was the one you were after during your nightly prowl."  
Val said nothing, but fainted.  
"Well... I think she took it well!" I exclaimed.

Danny and Dani weren't the only black-and-white dressed people there. I sat down at the couch next to another black-and-white-ie. I didn't know who she was when I turned on the TV and switched it to the Super Bowl.  
"I'm sorry. Do I know you?"  
"You should," the goth girl said.  
We both stood up, and she turned around.

"VILLAGE BOY!" she yelled (It was Rammy), "You told me you wouldn't make another hit even after I left!"  
"Well, I forgot about..."  
"LIAR! You thought you could never run into me again, but you are WRONG!"

At the same time, my cover of "Fiddle About" was playing on the radio. Really set the tone for what was going on here. Then the song ended, and the noise from the football game cranked up. Everyone, even Rammy, directed their attention to the TV and quickly forgot their troubles.

During the first commercial, we all drank the sodas-except me (I don't drink soda)-and toasted.  
Val started "Here's to my new baby."  
Danny said "Here's for Val knowing the whole truth at last."  
Val blushed.  
Then I said "Here's to my last night in Amity Park. Thank you, and good night."

We all clinked glasses, then spent the rest of the night watching the show. At around midnight, everyone said their goodbyes. Then Rammy came up to me.  
"I don't know what goes on with you. First you like me, then I record a song, and then you hunt me down, then you like me again, etc., etc., etc. Why is that?"  
"Tom," she sighed, "There's a lot of things you don't know about anthropomorphic ewes."

She kissed me, and left with the others. I was speechless. I eventually recovered, then sat down to write my last postcard.

Dear Henry,  
Did I wake you? How was the Super Bowl? I saw it her and enjoyed it. I'm leaving Amity Park tomorrow, and was considering moving to...

CHICAGO!


	16. Chapter 12: In Chicago

The time has come to take my musical career elsewhere, to where I can gain some more fame. I knew I had to go to Chicago sooner or later, because I was looking forward to seeing U-1 (Gitaroo Man). So Chicago it was. This morning, the movers came to take the stuff. Me, Danny, Dani, and Teriyaki "Egg-yolk" Yoko were watching from outside.  
"So, you're on your way to the Windy City, huh?" asked Danny.  
"I figured I could gain more fame there. Besides they have a lot of TV stations, Local, and National," I said.  
"You're going to be a big-time!" said Dani.

The movers were almost finished, but then I reminded them about the "Tommy" session tapes and the PlayStation.  
"If I catch up with you, drop by and say hi sometime, Hon." said Egg-yolk.  
"Good luck," I said, then turned to the ghost duo, "Keep up the good work on the band while I'm gone. Your style is almost as good as Booker T. and the MG's!"  
"Write to me if my harmonica licks come on the radio," said Dani.  
I chuckled.

As before, the bed came last, and I climbed in with guitar in hand. We took the quickest route to Chicago from Amity Park, supposedly on Interstate 40. I don't know. The trailer had no windows. A few hours passed, and the truck slowed down. We were finally in Chicago.

The trailer door opened, and I stepped out right outside my new building. It looked like a good 30 stories, with the CTA Loop running along one of the sides. I went inside to see numerous buzzers near the door, and the doorman at his desk.  
"Thomas Fay?" he asked  
"Yes,"  
"Feels very good to have you here in this building. I was just preparing your name for the buzzer. Apartment 2319," he said, giving me the key, "If you want another key, you can always head up to the locksmith."  
"Thank you."

I went back to the truck, and gathered the tapes, the guitar, and the PlayStation, and went back toward the elevator. Then I realized I forgot about Charles when the doors opened.  
"I thought I seen the last of you, WIMP." he said with his Lorenzo Music sarcasm.  
"I'm twenty-three flights upstairs. There's no way I'm gonna take the stairs."  
"Don't EVER go in the service elevator," said Charles, closing the doors.  
The elevator zoomed up to the top without me. I looked for another option. Was there a dumbwaiter around? Yes, there was. I put one over on him with a bit of Deux ex Machina. I gathered the tapes and guitar, and stuffed them all inside. I climbed in, pressed 23 on the wall, and shut the door. Despite being crowded with the stuff, I was comfortable.

The last of the stuff was in my room when I arrived, all unboxed and ready for use once again. The bedroom was a bit larger than last time, but was still big enough to be considered a bedroom.

The next morning, I went down the dumbwaiter and over to the front door, when the doorman stopped me.  
"I was asked to give you this," he said, holding a scrap of paper.  
I took it, and skimmed it.

Visit me.  
Apartment 1334

No signature. Whoever it was, there wasn't a name on the outside buzzer yet. I put the note in my pocket and head outside.

The first thing on my list was a place that sold postcards of Chicago. I remembered seeing on YouTube that the Sears Tower had a gift shop of some sort. So I took the Chicago 'L' to the Quincy station and head over a couple of blocks. Somehow, I didn't get the memo that the Sears Tower changed its name to Willis Tower. How did I miss that? Sure enough, there was a gift shop with postcards on display. I went inside to pick up a handful, as I figured I was going to be in Chicago for quite a while. I put them on the cashier's table, but guess who I had to give the money to?

It was the teen who keeps saying "You want fries with that?". So I put the money on the counter and left with the cards.

I took the 'L' back to the den to drop the stuff off. The name of whoever it was who gave me that invitation was still not on its buzzer. I'll figure it out later. I went back on the 'L' to peruse Downtown on the Loop. I spotted a burrito place near one station, and a recording studio near another. Eventually, I had to transfer to another route to continue on the loop.

I took a rest at a random station, and pulled out my cell phone. U-1 gave me his number when I took a rest while on my journey to Rodneytown from New York.  
"U-1? It's me, Tom!"  
"Tom! Long time, no see!" he said, "How are you?"  
"I just moved here last night, and touring the Loop."  
"You're still friends with that bug?"  
"Who? Egg-uh... Teriyaki Yoko? Yeah. You didn't see a bootleg of me at the music store, did you?"  
"What bootleg?"  
"Just checking. It's a long story."  
"Listen, I'm out getting donuts for my dog, Puma, then I'm free. How 'bout we meet somewhere?"  
"I bypassed a good Mexican place on the Loop. Wanna eat there? I think it's over by the CLARK station."  
He agreed, then I took the 'L' in the opposite direction.

The grill was called Windy Tacos, and seemed appropriate, because we were in the Windy City. I got a good booth by the front door, and had a fajita on the table. Then I saw U-1 come in, and right away, slid onto the seat across from me. He had a guitar case, which I'm supposing has his gitaroo. He was short with a buret and a brown coat, but with his gitaroo in hand, he's looks like when I saw him in Chapter 4.  
"Good to see you in Chicago, Tom," he said, "Puma couldn't make it."  
"Puma's your dog, huh?"  
"Actually, he's from outer space. He's only disguised as a dog. His real identity is more like a boom box with a dog's head, and inside is where he stores my gitaroo. But I always think that's unusual, so I saved up for a guitar case."  
"Interesting," I said.  
We made something out of the fajita, and talked about more stuff like that.  
Then I said "So listen, I'm working on the rock opera 'Tommy', and I'm 3/4 done. Right now, I need a band that's gonna be suitable for the last few songs."  
"I got some friends. You can come tomorrow and see if they're good enough."

We stood up to leave and headed up toward the 'L'. U-1 started bringing up some stuff about Chicago, but then something caught my ear.  
"...I have a couple of friends over in Aurora who do a talk show in an abandoned doll factory."  
"That's great. Think I can land a spot on their show?"  
"You can come tonight before 10:30, and they can book you!"  
"Giddyup!"

We got off our stop, where my building was around the corner. I withdrew the note from my pocket.  
"I gotta see someone at Apartment 1334, and I've yet to know who it is," I explained to U-1.  
I went over to the buzzer, which now had a label.  
1334-Teriyaki Yoko  
My jaw dropped, but I buzzed her anyway,  
"It's me, Egg-Yolk."  
"C'mon up, hon," she said.

Me and U-1 went in and toward the elevator. I would have a feeling Charles would let me in if I had an interplanetary superhero in tow.  
"Are you seriously calling her Egg-Yolk?" he asked  
"She's cool with it."  
The doors opened to reveal Charles.  
"What do you want now, WIMP?"  
"This time, it's what HE wants," I said, pointing to U-1.  
He unzipped his guitar case and withdrew his gitaroo. In a FLASH, he transformed into his Gitaroo Man form.  
"Okay, this guy is in!," said Charles, shaking his hand.  
He stepped in and I followed, but was pushed out.  
"You, you're still a wimp."  
"Whatever. Send him to the thirteenth floor."  
"Anything for the robot guy."  
"What about you?" asked U-1.  
"I found a loophole, and I'm not telling in front of Charles."

The door closed, and I jumped into the dumbwaiter. U-1, still in his G.M. garb, was waiting when I opened the door on floor 13 behind him.  
"Surprise!", I said, only for him to squeal, "WOW!"  
I reminded him that's MY squeal.

Egg-yolk's pad was two doors down from the dumbwaiter. I rang the doorbell, and she opened up.  
"It's good to see you, hon...Oh no!" she said, "It's that guy whose helmet bounces static electricity!"  
"Relax," said U-1, "I'm not so familiar with this stuff myself."  
We went in and spoke about Chicago and our musical careers. I pointed out we need to assemble a new band for "Tommy". U-1 reminded me of those two talk-show guys and that they're experienced musicians. Egg-yolk said she was open for any duets to make her records sound better. None of us found a record label.

It was nearing 10:20 central time, and we were ready to leave for the talk-show. The doorman hailed down the cab and it went east toward Aurora We came across the doll factory with Cable 10 trucks outside. So these guys must've bought the factory and turned it into their personal studio.

Then a guy dressed in black and a nerdy guy in glasses came out of an elevator to greet us. He right away knew U-1.  
"U-1! Good to see you, man!" the black-dressed guy said.  
"Wuh-oh! Major babe alert!" said the nerdy guy.  
Egg-yolk blushed.  
"Thomas Fay and Teriyaki Yoko," U-1 explained, "They wanna guest on your show."  
"By all means, dude. We're gonna start in a few minutes! Come with us."

We took the elevator up the studio. The set looked just like a basement, with a couple of the old doll manufacturing machinery. The two guys went to their positions on the couch, while we waited on the side for our cue.

The camera guy said, "and... You're on." and I knew I was in for a fun night, because...

"It's WAYNE'S WORLD! WAYNE'S WORLD!  
PARTY TIME! EXCELLENT!"

"It's Friday, it's 10:30, it's time to party! I'm your excellent host, Wayne Campbell, with him as always, is Garth!"  
"Party on, Wayne!"  
"Party on, Garth!"

I was already cracking up at the strange antics they did, including the EXTREME CLOSE-UP bit. The camera zoomed in out on both of them as they screamed. Finally, they were ready to introduce the guests.

"Okay. We have a couple of guests on tonight, our first one being an infamously bad singer..."  
"What was THAT?!" yelled Yoko, zapping Wayne on the air.  
"...I mean famously good singer. So, would you please welcome, a very green babe, Teriyaki Yoko."

Egg-yolk came toward the couch, trying to ignore the two guys chanting "WE'RE NOT WORTHY!", then when everybody calmed down, Wayne and Garth started asking her questions sent in by fans. Every once in a while they threw in a "Schwing!" and a "babe," usually making the bug blush. The next guest was me, and I got a spot on the couch next to Egg-yolk.  
My questions were something like these:  
1\. Are you really thinking of marrying THIS bug?  
A: Nope. If you happened to listen to that short-lived bootleg, don't worry. That was just an impromptu make-out session, which will probably never happen again.  
2\. Are we to expect any upcoming albums, or at least, a new band, from you during your stay in Chicago?  
A: I haven't got a band together, but I've been working on covering the "Tommy" rock opera for the last few weeks. Expect that some time soon.  
3\. What do you do if you see an incredible woman, and you think you're gonna hurl?  
A: No comment.

Anyway, we were sent back to the side and more antics happen, and the show ended, with the cameraman saying "We're clear."

"Okay so how bout we meet at Windy Tacos tomorrow and discuss the Tommy project?" I asked as the duo head for the elevator.  
"Party!" said Wayne, which was metal talk for "Yes."

On the cab ride home with Egg-yolk and U-1, I wrote something quick on my first postcard.

Danny,  
Chicago's going great. Egg-Yolk is my new neighbor, and I landed a spot on a local show called "Wayne's World". Anyway, we're going to talk tomorrow about "Tommy". If you or Dani wanna see me, drop by anytime. Give my regards to the rest of the Danny Phantom Band.  
Tom

Me and Egg-yolk got out, and U-1 took out cab to his pad. I slipped the postcard on a nearby mailbox, and head inside. I noticed Egg-yolk having trouble with Charles, and the doors closed without her.  
"You can use the dumbwaiter. It's small, but it's comfortable," I explained, pointing to the square door across from the elevator.  
"I don't think we can fit, hon."  
"Au, contraire. I'll get in first, ride up, then sent it back down for you," I opened the door and crawled in, "See you tomorrow."

At 23, I got out, then pressed the button for the ground floor. Egg-yolk can take it from there.


	17. Chapter 13: Paranoid at a Party

I woke up late after my first appearence on "Wayne's World". I had a busy day ahead of me. I still needed a band to record "Tommy", and all my new found friends were talented. I went to a diner and contacted U-1, Wayne, and Garth to come on over. We discussed about band names and I came up with an idea. Everyone writes down a band name, put in the empty napkin dispenser on our table, and I would draw a band name at random.

U-1 had "The Gitaroo Men", Wayne had "The Wayne's World Orchestra", Garth came up with "The Babe Magnets," and I wrote down "The Village Boys". I fished around in the dispenser, and pulled out "The Gitaroo Men".

U-1's girlfriend, Pica, holds a lot of rent parties at her pad on Saturday nights, and the place is always jumping. Since U-1 goes to every party and performs with his gitaroo in hand, everybody in the neighborhood probablly know who he is. U-1 suggested that we should go down and perform tonight, and I said yes.

I went back to my apartment, and thought of the party. I that place is packed like U-1 predicted, then I might run into a record label manager who'd sign us up, so I could work on "Tommy". Better yet, I might run into Egg-yolk and she'd arrange me tomeet her manager! So

I picked up the phone and dialed her number.  
"Teriyaki Yoko."  
"It's me, Egg-yolk!"  
"Oh, how's it going, hon?"  
"Just fine. Listen, me and the guys set up a band and we're getting our first gig tonight."  
"Well that was quick!"  
"Yeah, but we still need a record label. Have you signed to one yet?"  
"Sure did. I signed up to Century Records. I showed the guy some of our work, and he liked."  
"OUR work?"  
"Yeah. I had a feeling he'd be intrested in you, so I slipped some in there," then she whispered, "I think me and this guy have a thing for each other..."  
"Looking foward. Can you snag him for the party tonight?"  
"I'll see what a bug can do, hon!" and she hung up.

I put down the headset, and right about then, U-1 burst into the apartment, with his garb on. He almost bumped into me, and I let out a squealing of "WOW!"  
"I'm a bit scared and paranoid," he said.  
"You look fine. What's eating you?"  
"There's this guy from a far off planet called Planet Gitaroo. I fought him last year, but now he's after me again, and he knows where I live."  
"What's his name?"  
He rushed to get a pencil and a Post-It, wrote it down, and handed it to me. It said ZOWIE.  
"Zowie?"  
"It's pronounced 'Zoe'."  
"Who would want to have a son named 'Zoe'?"  
"On Planet Gitaroo, gender doesn't seem to matter. There's an old man ther by the name of Miranda. Weird, right?"  
"Well, life ain't easy for a boy named Sue!"  
We chuckled, then the phone rang.

"You got Thomas Fay, but whatever you do, don't call me Village Boy. Go."  
"I don't care if you changed your name. I'm still after you, Gitaroo Man," said a British sounding voice. It sounded like it was for U-1, but it didn't sound good.  
So I said, "Sorry. Wrong number."  
"Was that Zowie?" asked U-1.  
"Yes."  
"Thanks for bailing me out. I'm glad he doesn't know you yet, but if he does, take this."

He reached into his Guitar case, pulled out another gitaroo, and handed it to me. The minute I touched it, I have unlocked a new outfit! Like U-1, I had the flying-robot look when I made contact with the gitaroo. I went and put it on the rack next to my regular nylon string guitar, and shifted back to normal.

At around 7:00, me and U-1 head for the Charles-guarded elevator. As always, U-1 appeased Charles with the impressive transformation, but I still wasn't allowed on. Then I remembered those ghost powers I got back in Amity Park, so I turned into a ghost and flew down the shaftway to the ground floor. The elevator caught up, the doors opened, and U-1 was discharged.  
"If you knew you could fly, why do you keep pestering me, WIMP?" said Charles  
I ignored him, and head out.

The party was big, as U-1 expected it to be. I went in and saw Egg-yolk on the stage with her band, singing "Taste of Teriyaki". Rammy was replaced by some sort of greaser from the 50's.  
At the end of the song, she threw the new guy's arm up, yelling "Let's hear it for our new guitarist, Townshend!"  
Then she saw me and U-1, and called us up.  
"And now say hello to my old friends Thomas Fay and U-1!" she said.  
We launched into 'Pinball Wizard', then they left me to play solo. After the song, I got off the stage, looking for the rest of the crew.

I found Wayne and Garth living it up by the corner.  
"Hey, Tom!" said Wayne, "Glad you could make it. Your Pinball song rocks!"  
"This place is LOADED with babes!" said Garth, "I think I'm gonna hurl!"  
I giggled, and we set off. I found U-1 and Pica flirting.  
"Did I ever tell you that you're so cute with that gear on?" she said.  
U-1 laughed,"You really crack me up, since the first day I said we should be dating," Then he turned to notice us, "Pico this is Thomas Fay, from the Big Apple. And there's Wayne and Garth."  
"We've met," she said, "Wayne gave me the 'schwing' to me once before I met you, then he talked about on his TV Show."  
"And?"  
"He was funny!"  
"I'm gonna leave you lovebirds to it," I said, making my exit.

Then I found Egg-yolk with Townshend.  
"Thanks for that party invitation, hon." she said, rubbing my cheek.  
"Not at all. Who's the new guy?"  
"Townshend joined my band this morning and he plays excellent. He said he used to be a session musican for somebody named Led Zepplin. He's a really nice guy."  
I shook hands with him, "Pleasure to meet fellow musicans like yourself," he said.

Then a slim-looking guy appeared behind Egg-yolk.  
"You must be Thomas Fay," he said.  
"That's right."  
"Oh yeah," said Egg-yolk, "Tom, this is Slim Guy. He works for Century."  
"Teriyaki has told me about you and played some of your resume. It's excellent, and I was thinking of signing you up. How 'bout it?"  
"Giddyup!"  
"Good. Here's my card," said Slim Guy,"How bout we start on Monday?"  
"Giddyup again!"

So I told my mates to meet at the Century building on Monday, then left the joint. I stopped at U-1's place and said good night, but he turned around to see a sign at the door.

Gitaroo Man,  
If you find this, I have arrived in your hometown, and I'm stalking your every move so I can make my attack. Watch your step,  
Zowie  
P.S. I'm also after someone named Thomas Fay, and if you know him, alert him as well.

That can't be good. Probablly I spilled when I answered the phone earlier that day. U-1 was no longer safe at home, so he went home with me.

At home, I saw a postcard on the table.

Tom,  
How's it going? The band's doing great even without you. Sam left the band to work on a solo album, but it flopped, so she came back. How's the Windy City treating you? Did you get anywhere with your ghost powers? Can't wait to hear from you!  
Danny  
P.S. Dani says Hi too.

We both fell to sleep, tired and paranoid.


	18. Chapter 14: Zowie

Monday came, and thankfully, Zowie did not find us. U-1 and I got dressed quickly, and I head for the phone. My priority was to secure some time at the studio that Egg-yolk kept blabbering about last night. I dialed the number and waited, while U-1 rehearsed his Gitaroo in the other room. Finally, I got the secretary.  
"Good morning. Century Records."  
"This is Thomas Fay. I got the number from Slim Guy."  
"Yes, we were just talking about you before you called."  
"Okay. Can I book some studio time starting at 9:00?"  
"You're good to go. Just ride the loop to the Clark/Lake station, and we'll see you there."  
"Thank you. Take care now."  
I hung up the phone and head for the window, where U-1 was waiting.

"Can you fly with that garb on?" I asked.  
"Strange as it may seem, no," he groaned, "I could ask Puma to use his rocket ship."  
"Wait! NO! If you use something that took you that strange planet of yours, Zowie..."  
"Zoe,"  
"Might be able to find you! We'll have to think of another method."

I remembered I took notes when Danny and Dani gave me ghost lessons. I found the notebook, opened it up, and the notes said:  
"If ghost touches friend and takes flight, the friend is carried in the air."  
Thank you, Danny!

I grapped U-1's hand and prepared to turn into a ghost, but I remembered to grab my guitar, and it was really difficult to fly with both hands full! We jumped out the window and followed the Loop tracks to Clark/Lake. We landed in front of the doors and went out of ghost mode. I went up a few flight of stairs and saw Egg-yolk, Slim Guy, and the secretary by the front desk.  
"Hey, I see you made it, Hon!" said Egg-yolk, "What do you think of the place, huh?"  
"Well..." I said, quickly scanning the room, "It's contemporary; just like the east end!"  
"Century is reletively new to Chicago," said Slim Guy, "I think you're gonna love it!"

Slim Guy showed me to my studio, a few flights upstairs from the lobby, and I found Wayne and Garth by the door.  
"Excellent, you're here!" exclaimed Wayne.  
"We found ourselves another babe lair!" said Garth, "I'll bet chicks are useless against its powers!"  
We all laughed, then went inside. I had a list of the "Tommy" songs that were yet to be recorded. Among the list was "Champagne","Christmas","Go to the Mirror", and the overture.

The studio provided us with their house band for any necessary horn parts. So when we were ready, we all went down to perform "Christmas", while Slim Guy sat up by the tape recorder and produced the recording.  
U-1 had a dustcover on the headstock of his gitaroo, which was where the ammo was usually fired from. He explained earlier that anything that makes direct contact with the headstock will prevent the gitaroo from firing.

I was waiting till I got to Chicago before I would do anything with the "See me,feel me" and "Listening to you..." bits. Besides, those bits have awesome guitar solos, and I think they sound better if it was played on a gitaroo instead.

Aside from "Tommy" we had to get a regular album out. I suggested we do a couple of early They Might Be Giants covers. Remember in Chapter 1 when I mentioned Rodney Alan Greenblat and I admire Greenblat's work? He did the artwork for their first album. Besides, I have never heard Rammy complain about this band.

So we did "Don't Let's Start" and put that on a single with "Christmas". Those should await good radioplay, I thought. Then we called it a day.

U-1 was no lonfger safe at home, and I had to watch my step. So we flew back to the pad and entered casually this time. I saw a strange looking purple-haired guy with a dark blue cat over by the doorman's desk. He turned his head, but I avoided eye contact and continued walking to the dumbwaiter. U-1 got in the elevatorwith Charles, and I waited in the dumbwaiter to hear what was going on. I think that guy is talking about me.

"Who is that man?" he said  
"That's Thomas Fay, one of my tenants," the doorman explained  
"Why does that buret-cald guy look so familiar?" (U-1 was not Gitaroo Man at this point).  
"He's just a friend."  
Egg-yolk came in behind him.  
"Any messages for me, hon?" she asked  
"None at the moment."

The guy watched the bug as she passed by. I shut the doors at the same time the guy put two and two together.  
"Thomas Fay? GOTCHA!" he said, then went outside to look for my buzzer.  
I got up to my floor, and rushed to the door.

"Do you know that guy who was standing over by the desk?" I asked,  
U-1 was about to say "That was..." but then I heard the buzzer.  
"Who is it?"  
"It's Emporer Zowie."  
I squealed "WOW!" and we both screamed!  
"I got you now, Fay, and you too, Gitaroo Man. Now hand over your gitaroos and I will gladly (ahem) kill you."  
"Fat chance, Zowie!"  
"IT'S 'ZOE'!"  
"Whatever."

I pressed a PUNCH button on the control. A robotic boxing glove shot out of the call box below and rammed into Zowie's face.  
"Bulls eye!" said U-1, "That should keep him away for a while."

Then the phone rang.  
"Village Boy!" I said, "Never mind. Don't call me that. Go."  
"It's Slim Guy. We landed you a spot on WBBM's 'Bob Swerski's Super Fans' at Mike Ditka's Sports Bar. You up for it?"  
"Okay, I'm in!"  
I hung up and asked U-1 to come. He declined, saying he'd rather watch what happens to Zowie.

I went down and saw Zowie and his cat being picked up and thrown in a garbage truck. I giggled, and I doubt it he will bother us again.  
At the bar, I saw four men sitting before a camera. The show already started without me. 75% of those guys were a bit overweight, but fat people are definately jolly.  
"So earlier today the Bears won against the Yankees at our own Wrigley field!" said the host.  
The four men toasted "Da Bears!" with a thick Chicago accent.

Anyway, they turned towards be, giving a thumb's up, then faced the camera.  
"Listen, sports fans, we got a weal treat for you tonight. I don't know if he likes spowrts or not, but he's here to promowte his new band called 'The Gitawoo Men'. So would you please welcome, New Yalk's Thomas Fay!"

I took my seat next to the host, and he offered me a beer. I accepted and started drinking.  
"So, Tom, what's this whole Gitawoo Men thing all about?"  
"Well, buddy," I said, sounding intoxicated, "A gitaroo the strangest imported musical instrument I've ever seen."  
"Impowrted? Where did it come from?"  
"Up there," I said, pointing upwards, "in Outer Space."  
Sure enough, they believed me. "Owta Spase," they toasted again.  
I took another swig and they continued.  
"So how about those Yankees? You feel sorry they lost, New York boy?"  
"DO I EVEN CARE?!" I drunkenly said, "I don't watch that kinda stuff."  
"Is this your first time drinking, kid?"  
"Ever since my graduation from Columbia University. It's very nice up there. Trees, subways, buildings... and women."  
I was so drunk I fell to sleep.  
"Well, nice talking to you, Tom. How abowt it for Thomas Fay, huh?"  
"Towm Fay!" they toasted again.

LET US NEVER GO HERE AGAIN.

I went home drunk, and I was too weak to get myself into the dumbwaiter, so the doorman came over and helped me out. I was, however, strong enough to write a postcard.

Dear Bob,  
I feel a bit woozy after my first drink since college. My stuff is still comin' out good though. I miss you, man! I can't wait to come back home.  
Tom

I fell out of the dumbwaiter by the time it reached my floor, and crawled until I was safe behind the apartment door. I slept there the rest of the night.


	19. Chapter 15: Wild and Violent Traps

A few days passed, and there was no sign of Zowie. Either he left for Planet Gitaroo, or he's trying to find his way out of the junkyard. The TV had a channel that looked out to a security camera near the front door, so I kept it tuned at all times. Sure enough, Zowie was back.  
I enjoyed punching the lights out of him the other day, so when Zowie was in the vicinity of the camera, U-1 played his gitaroo into the intercom. As soon as he went towards the door, I pressed the PUNCH button, and it worked again.

That made me wonder if E-Gor knew about this so-called Planet Gitaroo. You remember E-Gor, from Chapter 3? Anyway, I picked up the phone can dialed.  
"E-gor? Tom. I'm in Chicago."  
"And I'm in my lab!" he said jokingly  
"Listen, what do you know about Planet Gitaroo?"  
"That place is home to this crazy ancient musical weapon."  
"Do the words Emperor Zowie ring a bell?"  
"I think it's pronounced 'Zoe'. Just by coincidence, I happen to have a dossier of him. Let me check..."  
There was a pause. I peered over to the TV, and U-1 gave me the Not-Yet gesture.  
"Here it is. Emperor Zowie is greedy, rich, and his lifelong dream is to own all the gitaroos in existence so he can rule the planet. He can't resist listening to Jazz music and J-pop."  
"That's all I need to know. Thanks!"

I hung up.  
"He's just woke up!" yelled U-1.  
I turned to the intercom and sang a bit of "Minnie the Moocher". I pressed the PUNCH button, but the Emperor was smart enough to dodge the attack. I also noticed a TRAP button on the intercom. This apartment building seems SO sophisticated!  
U-1 spotted Zowie turn to leave, so I missed my chance.

Later at the studio, I met up with Teriyaki Yoko and the others at our booth. The next "Tommy" songs on the agenda were "Champagne" and "Smash the Mirror", the former being a song made for the movie version. I wanted Egg-yolk to sing on these. It's been a while since the last time she sang solo, and I wonder if her singing has improved. But I stayed and did the "See me, feel me" bits.

Me, U-1, and Egg-yolk went to Windy Tacos for lunch.  
"These burritos aren't quite like the ones they make in California," she said, "Still it's good."  
"I'm starting to miss Chipotle." I murmured.  
"Listen, Hon, I wanna return the favor. I sang your song, now how about you do one of mine?"  
"Which one?"  
"Maybe 'Taste of Teriyaki'. You know. Wild and violent flame?"  
"That's your highest charting solo single, but it only reached #40-something."  
Big mistake! Egg-yolk zapped me.  
"No offense. But I'd be happy to do it."  
"Which version? The album version, or the radio version?"  
"Which one has 'devil' in the lyrics?"  
"The album version."  
"I'll do the radio version."  
We shook hands and went back to the studio.

Our version sounded like R&B rather than J-Pop, but that's what we were aiming for. Egg-yolk was impressed, then left with Slim Guy. I was left with U-1, Wayne, Garth, and the house band. We spent the rest of our studio time doing the Wayne's World theme, and then St. James Infirmary, then called it quits.

When I got back, I looked out the window. Zowie was making his way across the street to my side. I phoned Egg-yolk and told her to sing through the intercom to lure Zowie. I turned on the TV, and waited for him to stand by the buzzers. I went to the intercom, alerted Egg-yolk I was going to lower the boom, pressed the TRAP button, and that sent Zowie down a trap door.

I doubted he would escape. Who's the wild and violent and flame now?

I went back to the building where another single was about to be cut. It was "Taste of Teriyaki" backed with "St. James Infirmary". U-1 got a cell phone call from Pica, and we got invited to another rent party. I turned to Egg-yolk, standing near Slim Guy.  
"You wanna come?"  
"No thanks, Hon. Me and Slim are gonna do something else tonight."  
"Are you two having an affair or something?"  
"NO!" she gasped. Denial at its best, I thought.

I'm not sure If I told you yet, but If there's one thing I like about Teriyaki Yoko, that ought to be the fact that she calls everyone 'Hon', as if she was a waitress in a greasy diner. I bet that must be a summer job she had as a teen. I'll have to ask the next time I see her.

I walked back to get my guitar, and gitaroo just to show off, then hailed down a cab. As soon as I got in I saw Zowie on the corner, but I took no notice that he started to follow us in another cab.

At the rent party I got on the bandstand with U-1 and the Gitaroo Men. I heard a familiar yell of "GITAROO MAN!" and I turned around to see Zowie, coming closer and closer.  
"WOW!" I squealed.  
Remembering his weakness was jazz music, me and U-1 donned out gitaroos (with robotic getup and all), and we jumped into "St. James Infirmary". That did the trick! He climbed onto the stage and, with his own gitaroo, played along.

U-1 tapped him on the shoulder.  
"So what do you say? Can we make friends with you and forget about ruling the world for a while?"  
"Well..." he started "All right."  
Me and U-1 gave a high-five.  
"BUT..." continued Zowie, turning to me, "Don't ever call me 'Zowie'. I know the spelling seems to fool you, but it's pronounced 'Zoe'."  
"It's a deal, Zoe" I said, shaking hands (I had my fingers crossed on my other hand).

I walked off stage and, still in gitaroo garb, found a couple of arabian dancers. I don't know what type of rent party Pico had planned. A dancer in pink dress, pink mouth cover, pink turbin, and black hair, came to me.  
"Would you care to dance?" she asked.  
I agreed, and we did so. She sounded a bit familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it.  
"Have we met?" I hesitated.  
"I don't know, but I could guess by any friends you have."  
"Well, there's Teriyaki Yoko to name one."  
"Teriyaki Yoko?! AHA!" she yelled, pushing me.  
My gitaroo strap broke and the gitaroo fell (but didn't break), and I flashed to my normal self. The dancer took off her turbin and mouth cover, revealing an unfortunately familiar head.

RAMMY!

"I got you now, VILLAGE BOY!" she yelled.  
Everyone gasped. What was Rammy doing here? I turned around and saw MilkCan on the bandstand, but I was so chicken. I grabbed my gitaroo and made a break for it.  
With gitaroo in hand, I turned into a ghost (first time I used two transformations at once) and flew back to the pad. I think I lost her.

Then the light flashed before my eyes, and I woke up. It was all a dream, and I was still at the rent party. The dancers weren't there anymore, and I sighed. I pulled out a postcard and began to write.

Dear Reb,  
Having a wonderful time in Chicago. Good friends, good galactic stuff, and good songs. Looking forward to seeing you soon!  
Tom

I flew back to the pad and tossed the postcard in the mailbox and called it a night. U-1 was, at last, safe to go home.


	20. Chapter 15 1-2: Another Insultee

U-1 answered my phone, then he hung up.  
"That was Wayne," he explained, "He's asking if you want to come to a friend's loft for a party."  
"I'm in," I said.

So that night, it was me, Egg-yolk, Wayne, Garth, and U-1. No Slim Guy. This was just perfect. Suddenly, the jazz/blues orchestra that was hired saw us and called me over to perform, and I did my blues rendition of Egg-yolk's "Taste of Teriyaki".

After the song, I got off the bandstand, and the orchestra jumped into "The Pink Panther". Right away, I caught sight of a orange/white fox with a beige coat and blue jeans over by the punch bowl. I walked over to her, and I notice that she had an INTERPOL badge on her coat.  
'INTERPOL' I thought, 'better watch my step around this one!'  
"How ya doin'?" I spoke as an icebreaker, "Thomas Fay. Musician. Century Records," I handed her a Mini CD of my hits.  
"Carmelita Fox. Inspector. INTERPOL," she said with a Spanish accent, "Where are you from?"  
"New York. Yourself?"  
"Spain."  
How do you like that? Rodneytown's not the only place they're doing cross-breeding experiments! But I tried to keep cool, and lay off the fox jokes.  
"Have you seen this criminal?" she handed me a B/W picture of a raccoon wearing a hat and holding a sword-like cane.  
"Maybe...I dunno," I said honestly.  
"I got a tip that he's here tonight," said Carmelita, "If you see him, gimmie a shout."  
I gave her back the picture, and went to mingle.

Then, at a table by the window, was the same raccoon that was in that picture, looking out onto the Chicago moonlight. That was the same guy I ran into when the moving truck was gassing up at a rest stop en route to Chicago!  
"SLY!" I said, walking over to him, "How's it goin'?"  
"Cool," he said. He recognized me instantly.  
"How's life as a thief?"  
"That's MASTER thief to you," he said. A master thief steals from OTHER thieves.  
"Well?"  
"Pretty slow. There's not a lot of thefts going on. They say crime always happens in a city."  
"Maybe they were trying to get a rise outta you."  
Sly chuckled.  
"Anyway, we gotta keep this on the down low, because the INTERPOL's here tonight," I continued.  
"Carmelita?"  
"I think so. You know how I can get rid of her for you?"  
"How bout distracting her? I hear she's easy to insult."  
"Okay."

I walked back to Carmelita, who just got herself a refill on punch. Now was the right time for insults.  
"Hey, Caramel!" I said cheerfully.  
"CarmeLITA!" she said, frustratingly.  
"No, I think it's Caramel," she sighed, "Lemmie ask you something: Aren't you a little too 'foxy' to be working for the INTERPOL?" she game me the look, "Izzat your face or did someone use superglue on that mask?" she slapped me, "I've had harder," she slapped harder, "Too hard...skip it. I know! I'll bet you 10 to 1 that you're a lesbian!"  
"THAT'S the last straw!" she barked.  
She took out a notebook, and wrote this down:

TO PERSUE:  
Sly Cooper-for Thievery  
Thomas Fay-for Lame Insults

"Okay, let's go."  
"You know what?" I said quickly, "I gotta use the bathroom first."  
"All right," she excused me.  
I really used the bathroom. Then I washed up and completely forgot about Carmelita, right until I saw her standing in front of me when I opened the door. I quickly turned into a ghost, and then invisible, and jumped straight up on the ceiling. Carmelita walked into the bathroom, curious of where I went. While hanging on the ceiling, I slammed the door behind her, and crawled right through it. I flew over back to Sly, and turned back to human.  
"Woah!" he said, "Where did you learn to do that?"  
"It's a long story."  
I turned around to see Carmelita open the bathroom door, and looking for me. Then I turned back to Sly.  
"Can I hitch a ride in your van?"  
He nodded, and we prepared to exit, but not before telling the others I was leaving. Meanwhile, the orchestra started to play the Peter Gunn theme (These guys must love Henry Mancini!)

Carmelita gathered fellow INTERPOL officers and followed us. We managed to loose them for a while on the elevator: they had no other choice but to take the stairs.  
The elevator opened up to the parking garage where Sly's van was waiting.  
Already at the wheel were Sly's two companions: Murry the hippo, and Bentley the turtle.  
"Where can we drop you?" said Murry.  
"Over by the Madison Loop station."  
I looked out the back as the van took off with a jerk. The INTERPOL got into their cars and began to chase us. Through Bentley's evesdropping device, I could hear Carmelita and the local chief in the front car:

"Oh, great," said Carmelita, "The thief is helping the insulter escape."  
"Or is he stealing him?" asked the chief.  
"I dunno. Cooper claims to steal from other thieves. I'll believe it when I see it."  
Later on...  
"Who do you tend to persue more? Thieves or bad-mouths?" asked the boss.  
"I treat 'em all the same. Last week I focused my attention on a jaywalker."  
"Isn't that a little too harsh?"  
"My motto is that all lawbreakers should be brought to justice."  
Eventually...  
"Is this Thomas Fay guy a thief like your Sly guy?"  
"He says he's a musician. He even gave me this CD."  
"At least he provided proof."  
"I dunno. He could be a fake."  
"Well, put it on."  
She did. My voice and harmonica came out through their stereo.  
After a while, the chief broke the ice: "Yeah. Definately proof."

When we got to my building, the van pulled over, and so did the Interpol cars.  
"They're pulling over!" said Carmelita, "Should we arrest him now?"  
Before the chief could say anything, they both saw me shot out the top of the van, and across to my apartment window.  
He finally said "I say we should...call it a night."  
"What about Ringtail?"  
"Let 'em go this time. He didn't steal anything yet."


	21. Chapter 16: Real Life or Fantasy?

My "Tommy" project is almost complete, and pretty soon I'm gonna wrap it up for my stay in Chicago and back to the city. Emperor Zowie has been attending the recording sessions, and playing over some of the "Tommy" tapes, to my approval. He even went as far as writing his own song which he believed is destined to make the hit parade.  
I got a phone call from Lammy and Rammy back in Rodneytown. Turns out they BOTH have a liking for They Might Be Giants, and loved my cover of "Don't Let's Start". The recent MilkCan album came in the mail yesterday.  
As for the Danny Phantom Band in Amity Park, they finished up another album which they've just put in the mail. It has not shown up yet.  
However, I noticed that Slim Guy, the head of Century Records, had his eyes on Teriyaki Yoko (the bug) recently. I'm not saying we're dating, but I just want to make sure the spot is open for me if we DO start dating. It's kinda like when Jerry Seinfeld met Keith Hernandez and started hitting on his ex-girlfriend Elaine.

Anyway, back to the present, me and the band were in Wayne's car, the Mirthmobile. Inside was Wayne and Garth at the wheel, and me, U-1, Egg-yolk, Slim Guy, Zowie, and three of Wayne's TV crew in the back. I understand the irony of it, that the Mirthmobile is a SMALL car. I felt this would be a good time to do some interrogation with Egg-yolk and Slim Guy.  
"Okay, So:" I began, "Are you two having an affair?"  
"Absolutely not," said Slim Guy.  
"Then why have you been making some signs of affection on her for the last few days?"  
"Well, you know. She's kinda sassy and sexy, and I kinda like her diner talk."  
"Same here. But I saw her first, so there's no way you can snatch her from me."  
"Tom?!" said Egg-yolk  
I whispered into her ear, "He doesn't know much about us. This is only a cover-up."  
"Oh," She turned to Slim Guy, "Yeah, Tom saw me first, hon, and I have a liking for him. He's got the long curly hair, and is from the Big Apple."  
"I've been meaning to ask," I changed the subject, "Where did you get all the 'hon' talk?"  
"I took a summer job at a diner one year."  
Just as I thought!

The radio started playing a song that none of us went for.  
"Turn it down!" exclaimed Zowie.  
"How 'bout some Bohemian Rhapsody?" asked Wayne  
We all raised our hands, and Wayne put the tape in. It was cued to the opera part, and we all sang different parts of it. Eventually, the car slowed down to a guy on a bench, bloated.  
"Woah! It's Phil!" said Garth.  
They both got out and confronted him. We saw the whole thing from the windshield.  
"Phil, what are you doing here? You're partied out, man. AGAIN!"  
"What if he honks in the car? We have more than we can carry!"  
"Garth, no matter how many guests are in there, you got the no-honk guarantee."  
We went "Eww!" as they started to drag Phil into the back-seat with us.  
"Phil!" said Garth, pulling out something white, "If you're gonna spew, spew into this!"  
"A paper cup?" said a confused Zowie.  
So, for the rest of the way, the bloated Phil had his head on Egg-yolk's chest (to her chagrin). Most of us continued singing, but poor Phil kept yelling "Let me go!", which ironically enough, was part of the song!

When the song ended, we finally arrived at a place called Stan Mikita's donuts. We got out through the trunk door just as Phil was about to throw up from Egg-yolk's B.O. (?!) and head inside. Right away, Wayne saw his ex-girlfriend Stacey and turned away. We got a table for all ten of us (Phil was back in the car), and then I saw a light fixture go brighter and brighter until a familiar figure descended.

DANNY!

Flashing back to regular form, he went over to my spot and patted me on the back.  
"Hiya, Tom! How's Chicago treatin' you?"  
"Very well, thank you. I'm almost finished on 'Tommy'."  
"Amazing! Where do you have to go next?"  
"Back to New York, and you're on call-back any time now," I wrote something on a small napkin and gave it to Danny, "Give that to the guys. I'm moving you all the New York, including MilkCan..."  
"MilkCan?"  
"Another band I worked with... to finish the album."  
"That's great! I'll pass that along."

Danny sat down between me and Egg-yolk.  
"Well, Danny, I'm sure you've met Teriyaki Yoko," they shook hands, "and this is Wayne and Garth of TV's Wayne's World, U-1 and Emperor 'Zoe' of Planet Gitaroo, and Slim Guy of Century Records. Guys, this is Danny Fenton, of the Danny Phantom Band."  
Then we heard phsyco music and Wayne looked up.  
"and THAT might be Stacy."  
"Hi, Wayne!" she said, going to our table.  
"Stacy, we broke up last year."  
"That doesn't mean we can't still go out, right?"  
"Actually it does. Are you MENTAL?!"  
She left, and another woman appeared. It was Garth's 'dream girl', and he was so in love, that he fell off his seat!

After all this commotion and goings-on, Egg-yolk and Slim Guy stood to leave. Seeing this as an opportunity to catch them on what they're really doing, I turned into a ghost and followed them in the cab. They arrived at my building and took the elevator up to their floor (I don't know how they got past Charles). I found the open apartment window and started to witness the scene.  
Egg-yolk was standing with Slim Guy in the center of the room. She took off her dress, revealing her white undies underneath. They kissed for a while, then they sat down for a cup of tea. Slim Guy wanted to start kissing again, but Egg-yolk resisted. I guess she must've been thinking of me at that very moment.  
I was so happy that she decided to stay on my side.  
With that done, I flew up to my pad and to sleep.

I awoke the next morning, suddenly realizing I was still a ghost from last night. I wanted to have a little fun with this. I stood on the window ledge, and jumped. I flew upward and upward until I reached outer space. My speed got fasted and faster, and I went so fast that I made it to the edge of reality itself in 2 minutes flat!  
I started to fly back and slowed down when I got to Earth. I splashed into Lake Michigan and went as far as the inner core of the planet, then backed up. When I emerged, I saw Egg-yolk in a swimsuit much like her dress. She was almost startled at my entrance, and nearly fainted, only to find that her head landed on PHIL!

LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN!

With all my problems done and said, I head to the studio to work on the last few songs. After finishing "I'm Free", Zowie came in late and I gave him a chance to sing "Go to the Mirror". Again, I sang the "See Me, Feel Me" bits. Egg-yolk and Slim Guy came in while were playing back the song.  
"I've been thinking about what you said last night, hon," she said, "And I just called it quits with Slim Guy."  
"That's great, Egg-yolk," i said, pretending I didn't witness it, "I'm one song away toward completion. When we leave, I'm gonna write to the other bands and tell them to come on over to New York so we can do the grand finale."  
The staff cheered. Then I turned to the good emperor.  
"How about you, 'Zoe'? You wanna come with us to New York."  
"I'd love to, but..." he said "My planet needs me or something. I only came to get Gitaroo Man, and I'm starting to feel a bit homesick."  
Then I shook his hand, "Well, it was nice working with you. Keep on the good side!"  
"Will do. Farewell, everyone," said Zowie, turning toward the door.  
His cat was outside waiting, and then she spoke.  
"Oh, DARN! I really though we would be going to the big apple itself!"  
I giggled, gathered the session tapes, and made my way down to the lobby. The latest Gitaroo Men album came out with all my recent single material. I picked up a copy and went to the desk to resign from the label. I was ready to move back to New York.

Back at the pad, I packed all the boxes and prepared to leave tomorrow. I sat down to write some last-minute notes.

TO: MILKCAN c/o PET RECORDS  
Dear Lammy,  
I'm moving to New York to finish work on the "Tommy" project, and I encourage you to come and perform. You can move here full time if you want, and can show you some of all the hot spots.  
Looking forward, Tom

TO: THE DANNY PHANTOM BAND c/o MOON RECORDS  
Hey Danny.  
"Tommy"'s almost done, and I need you and the band to finish it with us. You can move here full time if you want.  
Tom

Then finally, I took out my last Chicago postcard.

Dear Short Martin,  
I'm coming back soon! Tell your friends.  
Love, Tom

I went downstairs to the mailbox, and then the doorman called me over. He handed me a note, and it says:

TV Station KTMA summons you for a solo performance at the studios. Please come at your earliest connivence.  
Signed,  
Dr. Laurence Erdhert and Dr. Clayton Forrester

The moving might have to wait for a few more days...


	22. Chapter 17: Next Morning AD

The next day, I hailed down a cab and rode toward the KTMA studio. But maybe this tidbit should sum up what happened when I got there:

 _In the not too distant future,_  
 _Nexy Sunday A.D._  
 _There was a boy named Tom,_  
 _Not too different from you or me._  
 _He played at station KTMA_  
 _Performin' for people at the satallite bay._  
 _He did his songs well with a cheerful face,_  
 _But the bosses didn't like him so they SHOT HIM INTO SPACE!_

("WOW!" I squealed!")

 _We'll send him cheesy movies,_  
 _The worst we can find._  
 _He'll have to sit and watch them all,_  
 _and we'll monitor his mind!_  
 _Now keep in mind Tom can't control_  
 _where the movies begin or end._  
 _He'll try to keep his sanity_  
 _by calling up some friends._

 _If you're wondering how he eats and breathes_  
 _and other science facts,_  
 _Than repeat to yourself "It's just a show._  
 _I should really just relax"!_  
 _It's MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000!_

Now, I'm trapped aboard something called the "Satellite of Love" by the guys who summonec me in the first place: Forrester and Erherdt. In the meantime, I might as well watch their bad movie then try to get out of here.

I saw a red light flash, and tapped it. The guys came on a screen before me.  
"Hello, Tommy Mommy Dommy, or whatever you wish to be called!" teased Forrester.  
"You know, marooning me into space might've been a bad idea," I said, "This place is deserted."  
"It's GOOD to be bad!" said Erherdt, "And we're sending up one of your friends if it makes you feel better!"  
"How do you know my friends?"  
"You dropped a card back at the studio." Forrester held up a slip of paper.  
Than I heard a THINK come from downstairs.  
"Could you excuse me for a moment?" I said.

I ended the transmission by tapping the light again, then head downstars to the cargo bay. Out stepped a large, oversized green bug in a purple dress...  
"Egg-yolk! So they marooned you too?!"  
"You said it, hon," she said, "I saw the invitation on your apartment rug, and went over to see what was going on. I ran into the two guys, and yada yada yada, I'm up here!"  
"I'm proud of your keeping up with me," I said, rubbing her cheek.  
We both head back up to the bridge, while I explained what we were supposed to do here.

I pressed the red light and got the mads.  
"Okay. We're on board with the situation. What's our first movie?"  
Forrester showed us a LaserDisc, "It's called 'Africa Screams' I'll send it up to you through the LaserDisc player. When it's ready, we'll give you the signal. You go into the theater at the signal, or we'll shut off the oxygen in the bridge."  
"Ouch," we both said.  
"Actually, I like that one," said Egg-yolk, "It's not bad... for a bug."  
I was not amused. Then the signal lit up and we head to the back of the satellite.

During the movie, I started to fall asleep. This way, I could avoid being brainwashed. Then I heard another thunk and it woke me up. I waited for who it could be, and it was U-1, Wayne, and Garth.  
"A movie!"said Wayne.  
"It's a bad movie as part of these two guys' science project," I explained.  
"We can make it," Garth quipped,  
But then we all said "NOT!"  
I fell back to sleep, then Egg-yolk nudged my sholder when the movie ended.

Back at the bridge, I planned the escape. What we needed was an escape pod of some sort that will get us back to Chicago in time for the moving.  
"U-1, did you come across any on your way in?"  
"I think so. We saw some doors by the cargo bay"

We went down to check, and sure enough he was right. We opened the door and sat inside. There was enough room for all of us, wth a steering wheel and everything. I went up and grabbed my guitar, but before I left, I wrote a note and placed it before the webcam I use to talk to the guys.

Gone on strike with the network. Will return...?  
-Tom

I went down with guitar in hand, shut the door, and piloted our way back to Chicago.


	23. Chapter 18: Welcome Back Thomas

The spaceship landed in a junkyard outside Chicago. Everyone discharged and went to the front gate to hail down a cab.  
I decided not to join them, saying "I'll catch up with you guys later," and went back to kick the heck out of the ship, making it look broken enough to be considered "junk". Then I turned into a ghost and flew back.

Up at the apartment, I moved the boxes to the freight elevator to prepare for the moving. The phone rang when I was about to take the PlayStation. I answered it.  
"Village..uh... never mind. Go."  
"Hey, Tom," it was Danny, "How should we make our move to New York? Take a plane or ride in a moving truck?"  
"I ride in the back, but you can fly if you want to. Better yet, how about you flip a coin?"  
"Hang on a sec."  
On the other line, Danny and Dani, on a payphone, search their pockets for a penny and flip it in the air. Dani called heads for air. It landed on tails.  
"We're gonna take a truck," said Danny.  
"Good. I'll se you there!"

I hung up, but then it rang again.  
"Yeah?"  
"It's me, Tom!" It was Katy Kat.  
"Oh, hi, Katy. Wazzup?"  
"Well, we're getting really fizzed up about the big move to East Coast. Unfortunately, Rammy is back to her own evil self and left the band. At least she made the recent album though..."  
"Really? How many albums did you girls do with her?"  
"Just two. Plus an EP."  
"Well that's just great. Next thing you know, she's going to be stowing away in one of your boxes!"  
"Nonsense! We taped every box shut, and there's no sign of airholes or stuff like that."  
"Okay! Good luck gettin there all in one piece!"

I hung up and put the last of the stuff in the freight elevator. I pressed the LOBBY button, and the doors shut. Unfortunately, the freight elevator went down a bit slow, so I climbed aboard the dumbwaiter and took the quicker way down. The freight elevator arrived a few minutes later. At the same time, the moving truck arrived in front of the building, and the guys head inside for the boxes. I, of course, helped out too.

By the time the last box came as well as the bed, I notice U-1, Egg-yolk, Wayne, and Garth make their out of the loop station with their own set of boxes.  
"You carried all that stuff on the Loop?!" I exclaimed.  
"The train was practically empty!" said Garth.  
"What do you got in there?"  
Wayne took a peek inone of the boxes, "Cameras, amps, microphones, Teriyaki's records, and stuff like that."  
"Are you saying you wanna ride with me on the journey to New York?"  
They all said "YES".  
"Seems fine, I guess. Maybe we could have a jam session on the way there."

They loaded their stuff in with mine, and the last things to go in were the guitars , gitaroos, session tapes, and Garth's drum kit.  
"Apparently we only have one bed," I reminded, "and it has room for two. So some of us are gonna have to sleep in the boxes."  
Wayne, Garth, and U-1 had leftover extra-long boxes with them, so they were all set. The only one who didn't have a box is Egg-yolk.  
"Guess it's down to me, hon. If we decide to make out again, let's keep it on the safe side. My box has some sponges, just in case."  
I shivered a bit, then climed inside and shut the door.

Soon the truck started. We could see the streetlights through the overhead windows. Every now and then the truckers stopped at some rest stations to refill on gas and pick up some lunch for us. Unfortunately, my pajamas were buried within the numerous boxes, so I wore the same thing for the whole 24 hours of the day.  
We spent most of the days either jammin' or looking out the window. Okay, I admit Egg-yolk seduced me once or twice, but she was only in it for the warmth.

Eventually, we crossed the George Washington Bridge and back into the city. It drove down Broadway and turned onto 81st street. We finally stopped and got out. At the same time, MilkCan showed up in their own truck. Danny didn't show up yet.  
"Hey, Tom!" said Lammy.  
We hugged as if it was a reunion.  
"Hey girls. So you're thinkin' of livin here as well, huh?"  
"Yeah. As roommates. We can keep the rent low this way!"  
"Well, have fun!"  
I turned to the others.  
"You guys wanna move into this spot?" I asked.  
"Nah," they said.  
"We're aiming for a large space to continue the show," explained Garth.  
"You're thinking of a new studio for 'Wayne's World', is that it?"  
"Yeah."  
"Okay. Good luck! What about you, Egg-yolk?"  
"I'll find a spot in midtown. I'll drop by, okay hon?"  
"Fine by me. U-1?"  
"Sure."

We made our way in and to the landlord. He seemed friendly.  
"Hi. I booked a place in advance."  
"Apartment 5A," he said, giving me the key.  
I left U-1 with the landlord. I took the elevator to the 5th floor, and made my way to 5A. A strange guy with a pompador and cigar emerged from 5B across from my door.  
"Hey. You're the new guy, aren't you?"  
"Yeah. Kramer, right?" I saw his name on the buzzer downstairs.  
"You got it, buddy."  
"Live it up here, Kramer. What's mine is yours!"

I made my way inside, with the boxes already waiting to be unpacked. I took a box and start to open it, when Kramer bursts in through the door without knocking. ("WOW!" I squealed) He turns toward the refrigarator.  
"You got any meat?" he said.  
I had no idea what I was saying when I said it, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. So I went outside to get him some sliced turkey at a nearby deli. That ought to keep him occupied for a while.

After unpacking everything, I heard a buzz.  
"Who is it?"  
"It's Danny. We're moving in."  
"Great! Come on in."  
I pressed the DOOR button, and waited. Eventually, Dani lept inside and hugged me. Danny foillowed.  
"I guess she really missed you, Tom."  
Then Kramer burst in again, and shut the door behind him.  
"Hey, Kramer. This is Danny and Dani. They're half ghost," I said  
"Go on..."  
"I'll see you guys later," said Danny.  
He walked through the door, and Kramer jiggled in suprise. Dani followed.

"Listen, buddy," said Kramer, "What do you mean you go out with those guys? They're DEAD, aren't they?"  
"No. They're half-dead. It's a long story. I had the same experience myself. See ya."  
I walked through the door to prove a point.

Right away, I hopped onto a downtown subway. It has not changed. I took a B train down to 34th street (then an F to 14th), and found my old favorite Chipotle, which has also not changed. I popped in for a quick bite, then took a C train back up from 8th avenue.

I spent the rest of the day playing Monopoly with Lammy, Danny, and U-1. I always won with a hotel on the Boardwalk. Then we picked up the rest of the gang and took the subway to the Old Town bar (C to 42nd street, then Q to 14th). At one of the large booths, we started to fill up. It was me, U-1, Danny, Dani, and MilkCan from my place, then Wayne and Garth from elswhere in the Upper West Side, and Egg-yolk from this place near Grand Central. I was just about to dig into my burger, when some old friends popped in and grabbed a spot: PaRappa, Sunny, and Paula Fox.

"Hey! Long time, no see! What's happening?"  
"A lot has happened since you left," said PaRappa, "Sunny sprouted seeds and donated them to the botanical gardens."  
"Seeds?" Danny was confused, "For a second there, I thought you were a human with a flower headband."  
"Nah. She's a flower. A flower child!" I blushed, "So what about Matt?"  
"We broke up." said Paula.

So I introduced everyone to each other, paid the bill, and then went our separate ways. At the subway, Me, MilkCan, U-1, and Egg-yolk got on an uptown 4 train. PaRappa, Sunny, and Paula got on a downtown 6 train. I'm assuming they got a spot in the Village.

"So you found a spot to finish up 'Tommy'?" asked Egg-yolk.  
"Not yet, but I'm on it!"  
The doors opened at Grand Central andwe got off the train.  
"I got a great spot here. Come on up when you got the time, hon."  
We all head upstairs. Egg-yolk turned for the nearest exit, while me, Lammy, Katy, Ma-San, and U-1 head for the crosstown shuttle. We continued walking until we got the C train, and took it to 81st street.

As I was back in the city, I had no need to write a postcard anymore.


	24. Chapter 19: The Green Light

With everything in place, it was time to finish up "Tommy". All we needed to do first was find a record label. I started look through the Yellow Pages for a number. Just then, Lammy, Katy, and Ma-San knocked and entered.

"So how should I deal with this?" I asked, "Sign each band to a different label, or put 'em all together on one label?"  
"MAMAMAMAMAM," said Ma-San (Do whatever you think is right).  
"I think I'm gonna deal with just one label for all of us."

I picked up the phone and dialed my first choice, DeviantART Records.  
"Hi, this is Thomas Fay, and I have some friends who are interested in signing to your label...Uh-huh...Sure, I'll send some over...Okay, bye."  
I hung up and head for the door.  
"All we need to do is send them a demo tape, and wait for approval!"  
Just then, Kramer burst in. I knew I shouldn't have said "What's mine is yours" when I first arrived.  
"I got a good idea!" he proclaimed, "A pizza place where you MAKE YOUR OWN PIE!"  
Ma-San gave him the L. I just rolled my eyes, and walked past.  
"You talk it over with them. I'm going to Danny's."

Danny lived one flight down, on the same floor as MilkCan. I just walked through the door.  
"Hey, Tom. Dani's taking a shower."  
"Oh, really. Then she wouldn't be able to hear the good news."  
"What's that?"  
"I'm getting the band a record label! All I need is a demo tape from you guys."  
"That's great! I'll tell Dani."  
At that moment, Dani emerged from the bathroom with a towel on.  
"Tom's getting us a label!"  
Here, I made my cue to leave.

Down to the second floor was U-1's pad. I knocked and got him.  
"Hey, U-1. I got us a record label! All we need is a demo tape!"  
"ALL RIGHT!" he said.  
We high-fived.  
"How's Wayne and Garth?"  
"They bought and rennovated an abandoned subway station on 91st and Broadway. They're bringing the show to New York!"  
"EXCELLENT! Tell them about the demo tape."  
I head for the stairs.  
"Where are you going?" said U-1.  
"Egg-yolk!"

I met Egg-yolk down at another Chipotle at the Zekendorf Towers. I got myself a burrito bowl.  
"So I called DeviantART, I told them about me and my friends, and now they want to hear some demo tapes before they decide to sign us."  
"That's great, hon," she said, "But a demo tape? I dunno. A lot of artists record digitally these days."  
"I found my way around that. I acquire the tapes, I transfer them to the computer, and then I'll burn them to a CD."  
"I see where you're goin' now. I'll Email some stuff to you later. What's your address?"  
"Oh, it's villageboy ." I wrote it down on a napkin and handed it to her.  
After lunch, It was almost noon. The "Metronome" artwork shot out a plume of steam. I rushed across Union Square to Staples and picked up a blank CD-R, then flew back up.

The other bands sent their demo tapes to my front door. I picked them up and went to the computer. Using special software, I transferred the songs from the small analog cassettes onto iTunes, and included the song that Egg-yolk promised via Email.  
Then Kramer dropped in.  
"Hey, Kramer," I said as the CD was burning, "You know any good mailmen?"  
"I got Newman. HEY NEWMAN!" he yelled into the hallway.  
The CD finished burning. I slipped it into a paper sleeve and wrote the address for DeviantART.  
In stepped a tubby, short guy with glasses.  
"Hello, Newman." I said. This is a guy I could learn to hate...  
I gave the CD to Newman, and with a cackle of glee, he tottered off.  
"Newman!" I scolded.

I waited for the response throughout the next day. Kramer was on my phone, much to my annoyance. Why my phone?  
Anyway, I was playing cards with Lammy and Katy. Katy's eye kept twitching throughout the day.  
"Hey, Tom," said Katy, "I think something's wrong with my eye."  
"Lemmie see that." I examined her left eye. There was an unusual pink lining. I know the signs.  
"It might be a pink eye. You ought to get that checked out."  
Then I overheard Kramer on the phone.  
"Hold on, I got another call. Hello? Yeah, he'll call you back." He hung up on the incoming call.  
"Who was that?"  
"DeviantART records."  
"KRAMER, I WAS EXPECTING A CALL FROM THEM!"  
I grabbed the phone, hung up on it, and dialed DeviantART.  
"Hi, this is Thomas Fay returning the call...Oh yeah?...Really?...Great! Thanks a lot!"  
I hung up.  
"Great news, recording tomorrow at the studio! We're a go!"

On the taxi ride to the studio, I sat with Lammy, Katy, and Egg-yolk. The others took their own cabs.  
"What do you think this is?" Katy said to Egg-yolk.  
"I'd say it's a pink eye."  
"What about you, Lammy?"  
"Same here."  
Then she leaned forward to the driver when he came to a red light. Her tail was right in my face.  
"Sir, what do you think this is?"  
"I'd say you have viral conjunctivitis. You might want to get that checked out."  
She leaned back.  
"I think I'm gonna be a goner!"  
"Hang it in there. You'll get to a doctor," I said, petting her on the back.  
Then somebody with a rag in her hand went toward the cab and started rubbing the windshield.  
"Oh, I hate these filthy bums with their rags," said the driver, "GET OFF! GET OFF!"  
He turned on the wipers to shoo the hand away.  
"The city these days..." I looked up at the 'filthy bum' and my pupils shrank, "Oh my god, IT'S RAMMY!"  
We all ducked. Rammy looked down, into the backseat window.  
"Good luck on the album, Tom," she snickered.  
Then the cab took off.

I don't know what conflict is scarier. "Crazy" Joe Davola on Jerry Seinfeld, or Rammy on me and Lammy.

At the studio, we sat in the booth with the other guys. Katy was questioning about her eye with the studio executives in the room. They all said it was conjunctivitis. Then the boss, , handed me back my CD.  
"I heard a bit of your CD. Thank you very much. I like each act, and I'm thinking of signing you guys," he said, "So whenever you're ready, we can get started."  
Right away, we all went in the studio and assumed our positions. Mr. Jay sat at the console and pressed RECORD. We all agreed before hand that our first song as a super group (The Thomas Fay Orchestra) would be "Free Bird", and that's exactly what we did.

Then I left the band to make a phone call, while they did the Overture. The Overture was planned to segue to the Captain Walker bit I did back in Rodneytown.  
I inserted a quarter into the pay phone and dialed Kramer. 555-3455. Kramer picked up, but it wasn't what I expected to say.  
"Hello, and welcome to Movie-phone! If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press one!"  
"Kramer, it's me, Tom. Are you scalping tickets over the phone?!"  
"Oh, sorry. I didn't know it was you. How's the place?"  
"It's big, and it's spectacular," I quickly changed the subject, "Listen, I'm gonna have someone over for dinner tonight, so DON'T use the fridge."  
"Who're you dating?"  
"I wouldn't say dating, but... would you believe me if I said 'Teriyaki Yoko'?"  
"I'd believe anything, buddy. What ARE you gonna say?"  
"Teriyaki Yoko."  
"WOW!" he squealed... Wait-That's MY line! "Giddyup!"  
He hung up on me.

I put the phone down, a went back to the group.  
"This band's sounding good," said Mr. Jay, "I'm giving everyone a 6-album deal starting tomorrow. How does that sound?"  
"Giddyup!" I said. Oh, no. I'm turning into Kramer.

So that night, I had Egg-yolk over, like I said, but with Kramer's constant interruptions, it was really hard to make a move on her. He started to smell funny, so on his 3rd drop-in, I went up and asked.  
"Kramer, what's that smell?"  
"It's my new cologne. I made it myself."  
He stuck it out his arm. Egg-yolk and I smelled. We were both confused about what to make of it.  
"I call it 'The Beach'!"  
Then we understood.  
"Listen, hon," said Egg-yolk to Kramer, "If your thing hits the market, I'll buy one..."  
"Giddyup!" he said, leaving and slamming his door,  
"...then I'll ban you from EVERY GAME!"  
I turned to her, "Is that your favorite threat?"  
"It's my only one."  
I see.

Then we started to make out a bit until Egg-yolk decided to call it quits for the night.  
"See you tomorrow, hon!"


	25. Chapter 20: I'd Like to Thank

I spent the next few days at DeviantART Records cleaning up bits of the previous "Tommy" sessions. I added some new segues here and there, and mixed it until I got the sound I wanted. The last thing to make the album complete was the very last song, "We're Not Gonna Take It".  
I recorded a solo layer of just guitar and vocals, then called each band one-by-one to record each layer of the song. First was MilkCan with the guitar and bass, then the Danny Phantom Band for the organs and harmonica (?), and finally the Gitaroo Men for the drums, gitaroo, and everything else, with help from the house musicians.  
Then we all got together and sang lead and backup, all the way up to the creshendo during the "Listening to You" bit, to the very end, and finally saying "It's a wrap!"

Then Katy realized that the pink lining around her eye, which she thought was viral conjunctivitis, was actually nothing but an accidental smear of lipstick.

I finally sat down and watched the album finally press to vinyl, CD, tape, and 8-track (?!). I took hold of my personal copy of the album, and gazed at the album cover, very much like the original one by the Who. On the back was the track listing, practically summing up my adventures across the USA.

Overture- w/ The Thomas Fay orchestra  
Captain Walker- Solo performance  
It's a Boy- w/ MilkCan and the Danny Phantom Band  
1951/Amazing Journey-w/ The Danny Phantom Band  
Eyesight to the Blind- w/ MilkCan  
Christmas- w/The Gitaroo Men  
The Acid Queen- w/ Teriyaki Yoko  
Do You Think It's Alright- w/ MilkCan  
Cousin Kevin/Fiddle About/Extra, Extra!- w/ The Danny Phantom Band  
Pinball Wizard- w/Teriyaki Yoko  
Champagne- w/ Teriyaki Yoko and the Gitaroo Men  
There's a Doctor- w/PaRappa and MilkCan  
Go to the Mirror- w/Emperor Zowie and the Gitaroo Men  
Tommy Can You Hear Me?- w/ MilkCan  
Smash the Mirror- w/ Teriyaki Yoko and the Danny Phantom Band  
I'm Free- w/ The Danny Phantom Band  
Miracle Cure- w/ MilkCan  
Sensation/Welcome/Tommy's Holiday Camp- w/ The Danny Phantom Band  
We're Not Gonna Take it/Listening to You- w/ The Thomas Fay Orchestra

I fell asleep back at the studio booth. After a few hours, Dani came in. She tapped me on the shoulder.  
"Wake up, Tom."  
"Hi, Dani," I said sleepy-eyed, "Did I miss anything?"  
"They're having a release party downstairs and they're waiting for you to make a speech."  
I shot up out of my chair, stunned and wide awake.  
"WOW!" I squealed, "A SPEECH?!"  
"All they ask of you is a little welcome and a thing or two of the making."  
"Ummm..."  
"It's okay. Never mind a written speech. Improvising is all they ask for."  
I calmed down, and followed Dani downstairs to the Lobby.

The Lobby was a big atrium with gold floor tiling and a glass balcony. On one of the sides was a podium where I was to make my speech, with all the band members sitting behind me. I weaseled my way through the party goers, with corn chips and guacamole in their hands.  
I made it to the podium unharmed and tapped the microphone. Everyone got my attention.

"Uh..." I began, "I had no idea that there would be so many people here at this grand reception, but...Hi. I'm Thomas Fay, and with my fellow bandmates, we put together this new, ambitious project. It took a lot of hard work and we think as a group that it was really worth it. It was never easy, especially to begin with. Everywhere I went on my journey had a new challenge I had to face. There was hiding from a friend's evil twin, getting caught on tape and being sold as a bootleg, and oversleeping after appearences on TV shows. I learned a lot from this journey, and I really found that friendship goes a long way to a big, successful, carrear."  
Everyone applauded, and so did my bandmates.  
I started to continue, "I would like to point out that one of our friends who worked with us couldn't make it on the road back to New York. It's not death. It's just that he's the emperor of another planet, and without him, part of this wouldn't be possible, but what we still have as an end result, is a great-sounding record."  
Applause erupted again, and I saw something small and black from the balcony.  
"So, anyway, we hope you enjoy our new album. We hope it was worth it, and..."

Then I was interrupted by the black thing at the balcony. At the top of her lungs, she screamed

"SIC SEMPAR TYRANNIS, VILLAGE BOY!"

and dived towards me. As it got closer and closer, everyone ducked and screamed, and I knew I was in trouble yet again.

It

was

RAMMY!

The next day at the apartment, I was in the Kitchen with MilkCan and Egg-Yolk.  
"I thought you checked every box twice!" I said, in regards to Rammy.  
"We did," said Katy, "I guess she stowed away to somewhere else in the truck."  
"Behind the seats in the cab, maybe?"  
"MAMAMAMAMAMAM!" said Ma-San (No-one can fit back there!)  
"AMAMAMAMAM" (How about UNDER the seats?)  
"AMAMMAMAAMMMAMAM" (Now that sounds reasonable).  
"So what happened to Rammy?" piped in Egg-Yolk.  
"The record company banished her from every recording studio, in addition to your video game ban. I guess that means her music carrear is over."  
"What did she mean when she said 'Sic Sempar Tyrannis'?"  
"That was the phrase that Booth said when he killed Lincoln. I think it means 'Death to Tyrants'."

Then Kramer dropped in again, this time with something on a blue base in his hand.  
"Hey, congrats on the album, buddy! Look what I just made!"  
It looked like a statue made of pasta.  
"It's Torchio Tom!" exclaimed Kramer, "It's made from Torchio pasta."  
"That's amazing, hon!" said Egg-yolk  
"Yeah, I also made a Midoline Ma-San, a Mandala Danny, and I'm working on one for you. How does Tortellini Yoko sound?"  
"It better be good." she said.  
Then, with a mutter of gibberish, Kramer left the room.

The next day, I heard of Lammy and Rammy attending a group therapy session down the Williamsburg Bridge, so I took the subway to Delancy/Essex (I only had to make one transfer from the B to the F at B-way/Laffyette). I arrived a bit late, and the ram was just about ready to apologize to me.  
To make a long story short, Lammy and Rammy and I agreed to keep the triangle at a love-hate relationship. Rammy still had her harsh side, but had some nice bits here and there. But what she needed now was a job.

I went back home and U-1 gave me the news about Wayne's show. He finished the taping of his first show down in that abandoned subway station, and he compared it to the doll factory back in Aurora.  
I ran back upstairs, but not before bumping into Newman.  
"Hello, TOMMMMM!"  
"HELLLLLLLLOOOOO, Newman!"  
"If there's anything I can do for your sheep friends, feel free to ask!"  
"Those sheep are none of your business," I bellowed, punching Newman in the belly.  
It had no effect.  
"Oh, really? Well the black haired one is over at MY place and there's nothing you should be seeing. Ta-TA!"  
NEWMAN!

I didn't want to accidently barge in on any nudity, so I ignored the encounter and moved on to my pad.


	26. Chapter 21: Let Fleas Be--Naked (M)

**Rated "M" for nudity and brief Lime sequences**

With "Tommy" all finished and everything said and done, I can now relax in my New York apartment. I had breakfast at this coffee shop that Kramer's been telling me about called "Monk's". It was a few stops on the 1 train from 79th to 110th. I enjoyed it very much, and I'm officially using it as a hangout.

My new priority is to write some original songs to perform down at deviantART records. I also agreed to produce my friends' acts as well, and make regular appearances on Wayne's World with the Thomas Fay Orchestra as their house band. Their next taping's on Friday, so I wrote it down to be there.  
In the meantime, I gathered my songs and flew downtown to the studio. I'm getting tired of flying. The subway is a lot faster.  
I saw MilkCan waiting in the booth when I walked in. A guy was sitting in the corner with a pencil, sketching.  
"Who's that?" I asked.  
"That's Rodney Alan Greenblat," explained Katy, "He flew from Rodneytown to do caricatures for our next album, 'Make it Sweet'."  
Rodney looked up and waved, then looked back down at his sketchpad.  
"Isn't he supposed to be Rodneytown's mayor?"  
"Well, yeah..."  
"MAMAMAMAMAMA," said Ma-San (If it's all right with you, I'm gonna produce this one)  
"MAMAM" I said (That's okay) then in English, "I'm gonna be down the hall working on some originals."

U-1, Wayne, Garth, Danny, and Dani were in the next studio over.  
"The girls are doing a project of their own," I explained, "They'll be over in a while."  
We went down and I played a bit of an original, "Guitar Pick". After they got the idea, we turned on the recorder and played the song. Garth's drumming, Dani's harmonica bits, and Wayne's guitar solos were all improvised, and we all got it nailed in one take.

Back at home, I sat down at my couch with Egg-yolk, attempting to co-write a song. Kramer dropped in again with a peach in his hand.  
"Wanna bite? They're Mackinaw Peaches from Oregon. They're only ripe for two weeks a year!"  
"Na thanks, hon," said Egg-yolk, "We're already feelin' ripe."  
I shuttered, then picked up the paper we were writing on.  
"How about this: 'Hold the hose real tight/Prepare for a real fight'. How does that sound?"  
"Maybe change the 'prepare' to a 'get ready' and you're gold," she said.  
Kramer bit his peach and left.

All throughout the day, we've been getting itches and what feels like bites whenever we're in the apartment. At one point, Egg-yolk got so furious she attempted to zap them with her antennae, but it was no use. I finally came to the conclusion: FLEAS. So I picked up the phone and called the exterminator.

When he came, we waited outside for a few minutes, then the exterminator came out.  
"You're right," he confirmed, "You got fleas. I'm gonna have to fumigate the place to get rid of them. It'll take about two days."  
We gulped.  
"You might have to move in with someone else for a while, so take some of your pajamas, toothbrushes, and stuff."  
I went back in and packed some bags, then head out while the guy shut the door to commence the fumigation.

Now the only question that was currently on my mind was: Where was I going to sleep for two nights? I held a gathering with the others over at Monk's.  
"We only have one bed that sleeps three, and it's all used up," said Lammy.  
"I share mine with Dani," said Danny.  
"I only one bed," said U-1, "So you can go unless you don't want to sleep on the floor."  
"Nah," I said, "It's too hard. I want a bed that's smooth and has lots of space."  
Egg-yolk raised her hand, "I have a king-size bed that can fit both of us."  
"Okay, you win."  
Egg-yolk stood up to go to the bathroom. Once she was out of sight, I quickly changed the subject.  
"I noticed that all she wears is that purple dress."  
"I guess that's the only thing she wears," said Danny.  
"Well, what if somebody spills wine on it? What does she do?"  
"Maybe it's stain-proof," said U-1, "You might want to check that out when you head inside."  
"I'd like to know if she even wears that thing to sleep!"

So that night, I showed up with my bags at Egg-yolk's apartment, down by Grand Central. By a staggering coincidense, this was the same apartment that my aunt used to live in. I knocked on the door and she let me in.  
"I see you made it, hon," she said, "Make yourself at home. I'll call down from something Mexican."  
Oooooooooooooooooo. Mexican. I haven't had that in a while!  
After that filling burrito, I sat down on the couch next to her to watch TV. Then I head into her bedroom to get changed.  
"Go ahead. I'll join you in a minute!" she said.

I started to take off my shirt when I remembered to check her closet for anything else she wears. There was nothing but underwear and her swimsuit which looks a lot like her dress. I finished changing, and called her in.  
I was about to leave for the living room for her to get change, but she said that wasn't necessary. So I went back to the bed.  
Egg-yolk took off her dress, and her undies. That was it. All that was left was her green, nude body.  
"Since when do you sleep like that?"  
"Always," she said.  
I shivered in fear. She got in on her side on the bed, and turned off the light. I tried to forget about what I saw as I slept. Actually, I could barely sleep because she had her butt against my leg for most of the night. It was hard to pretend she wasn't there.

I got up the next morning to her alarm clock. Egg-yolk was already up, still naked.  
"I'm gonna go take a shower, hon."  
"I'll see you later then," I said.  
She closed the bathroom door while I got changed. I left my stuff here because I know that I had to stay here for another night.

I flew uptown to the old pad to see how things are going. I saw a new sign on my apartment door:

HAZARDOUS  
ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK

Kramer just came out, unaware of the sign.  
"Hey, uh... How's it goin'?"  
"Kramer, that place is fumigated with GAS! Didn't you see the sign?"  
He turned around, shook in surprise, and went to his room across the hall.

I caught up with Lammy, Danny, and U-1 on the subway. I told them what happened last night while on the 1 train.  
"She sleeps naked," I said, "in a nonsexual context."  
"Ewwww!" said Lammy, "Nothing on at all?"  
"NOTHING on at all!"  
"What about the dress?" asked U-1.  
"It was just that purple dress she wears, and one swimsuit, too."  
We got off at Times Square to transfer for the shuttle.  
"I guess it's normal for bugs to wear nothing," suggested Lammy.  
"Maybe there's more to Egg-yolk than meets the eye..."  
"Since when did you start calling her Egg-yolk?"  
"Amity Park. Embarrassing, maybe, but she approved."  
Then downstairs to an uptown 6 train to 51st street.

At the studio, I entered MilkCan's booth, showed them the song I wrote with Egg-yolk yesterday. Sure enough, they went in and cut the song for the album.  
"By the way, how's the old apartment?" asked Lammy  
"It'll be done by tomorrow. Kramer just went in there though."  
"EEK!" she said, her ears shot upward, "You know what could happen to him?"  
"I don't know."  
"Me neither."

Egg-yolk showed up and went to her own booth. I followed right behind her. I sat down with her at the console.  
"Were you uncomfortable sleeping last night, hon?" she asked.  
I knew if I didn't fess up right away, she's zap me.  
So I said "Sorta. I'm not used so sleeping with someone naked when we don't plan to make out."  
"I'm sorry about that, hon. You only got one more day before they de fumigate the apartment. Think you can survive one more night?"  
"All right. If we can make out, I'll be fine."  
"Deal."  
Then I crossed my fingers, "But if this ever happens again, promise to me that you get yourself a nightgown."  
"Again, deal."  
Whew.

Back at the apartment, I saw some candy wrappers in front of my door. They were there since the day of the fleas, and no one bothered to pick it up. So I looked. They looked like Chunky bar wrappers...

NEWMAN!

He was over at Kramer's apartment. I walked in, in the middle of a conversation.  
"Newman, I lost my ability to taste, and I'll never to finish my Mackinaw peaches in time!" said Kramer.  
"How 'bout you give them to ME?" said Newman.  
Kramer fessed up and handed Newman the last crate, then they turned to me.  
"Can you explain THESE?" I asked, holding up the Chunky wrappers.  
"They're Chunkys!"  
"And these CHUNKYS are givin' me FLEAS!"  
I tossed the wrappers at the tubby man, and his face started to itch from the little fleas on it. The peaches were not affected. Newman ran out of the apartment, with the crate still in hand.

"Hey, buddy, thanks," said Kramer, "What're you going to do tonight?"  
"I'm sleeping with Egg-yolk for one more night."  
"Now 'Egg-yolk' is...?"  
"Teriyaki Yoko."  
"Oh, yeah. Yeah. Right. Uh, tell her I said hi, and... give her this."  
He held up another pasta statue which he calls 'Tortellini Yoko'. I took it and proceeded to leave the room.  
"Thanks, Kramer. Hope your tongue feels better!"

So that night, I prepared for what was to come. I arrived with the pasta statue in hand and gave it to Egg-yolk. We had dinner, watched TV, then we went into the bedroom, took out clothes off, and got in the bed. Egg-yolk put a sponge in, and we started. Eventually, I got warm and it "went in". After experiencing that, I could finally get some sleep.

Morning came. I gathered my clothes and toothpaste, and made my way back uptown. The exterminator was taking down the sign when I arrived.  
"It's all clear now," he said.  
I paid the bill and he left. At the same time, Kramer burst out of his door, down the hall, and over to Newman's.  
"Listen, Newman, I can TASTE AGAIN! Gimmie back those peaches!"  
"Sorry, Kramer!" he snickered, eating the last peach.

I rolled my eyes and head inside.


	27. Chapter 22: Miss American Bug

Being back in the city REALLY brings up old memories. Asser Levy Park still has that little playground and Rec Center tucked away to the east of 1st avenue; before York Avenue, and after Avenue A. As a matter of fact, I applied for a membership there so I can drop in and swim.

After my first day at the pools, I went over to Teriyaki Yoko's place. On her apartment door was a sign.

I'M ON THE ROOF

So, turning into a ghost, I flew up the elevator shaft to beyond its ceiling, out through the top of the building, and slowly landed on the rooftop. I heard a voice from around the corner.  
"I'm over here, hon!"  
Recognizing that it was Egg-yolk, I followed the voice. I found her laying down on the tar beach covering the roof. She was down to her undies, with her dress was hanging on the edge. She noticed I was still in my swim trunks.  
"I'm just tanning. There's nothing better to do. Wanna join in?" she asked.  
"No, thanks. I came back from swimming, and I was wondering if you wanted to check it out."  
She stood up and put on her dress  
"I'll give it a shot. I've been looking to get a good ten laps in."

So I went back with a swimsuit-cald Egg-yolk in tow, just in time for Adult Swim. However, due to my absence from the pool, as soon as I jumped in from the diving area, I shot upward, squealing "WOW!", shivering cold! I felt embarressed, but to make a long story short, Egg-yolk really digged the place.

The next day at Monk's, Egg-yolk was telling Danny, Dani, Lammy, Sunny, and Paula Fox about the place. One booth over, I was searching the newspaper's Classified section to get Rammy a job after that recording studio ban.  
"So this Asser Levy Place," Egg-yolk concluded, "Is on 23rd street, one block over from 1st avenue. The Adult Swim is from 5 to 7 PM."  
"But the water can be cold," I added, "So you might want to enter slowly."

I turned my attention back to Rammy and the newspaper.  
"How about this one? Help wanted at NYU Medical Center. Various positions available. First come, first served. Inquire within."  
"NYU Medical Center?" said Rammy, lacking enthusiasm, "Why that place?"  
"I was born there."  
"Nice try, Village Boy. What else do you got?"  
I went back to the paper, "Costume store. Clerk and/or cashier."  
"Is it goth-girl friendly?"  
"Well, it has a picture of a joker, so it's possible."  
"Keep looking."  
"Gothic Cabinet Craft?"  
"Do they say 'goth' like they mean 'goth'?"  
"I never been there, but I think they mean 'goth'."  
"Okay. One more."  
I skimmed for a want ad I might've missed.  
"How about the Stock Exchange?"  
"I hate stocks."  
She flipped me off.  
"Katz's Deli? You could be a butcher."  
"Pretty soon, they're gonna butcher me. I'M A SHEEP, got it?"  
We ran out of want ads. Our nominees were the costume store, Gothic Cabinet Craft, and the medical center.

Kramer dropped in and seated himself at my booth.  
"Hey, how's it goin'?"  
"Rammy's looking for a job, and we came up with a few candidates."  
"That's good. Here's what I'm doin': I'm spending my free time SWIMMING!"  
Paula turner her head over and said, "You wanna come to this pool spot Teriyaki's raving about?"  
"No. I found a better place, with 4 miles of wide, open space."  
"Where's that?"  
"The East River."  
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" we all said.  
"No, It's great for your back, and it beats the traffic of other swimmers in an isolated area of water."  
"But it's BAD for your B.O." said Rammy, "Seriously, take a longer shower."  
Kramer uttered some gibberish, then stood up.  
"I'm off!" he said.  
The others followed. Me and Rammy were left.  
"Well, looks like I'm stuck with you. Let's go find a job."

-Gothic Cabinet Craft: 3rd avenue and 13th-  
The place was entirely of wooden furniture. Nothing here looked goth.  
"YOU SON OF A B***H!" she yelled, "You said they meant 'goth'!"  
"I didn't say positively."

-Costume store: 4th avenue and 11th-  
This place looked goth, complete with vampire costumes.  
"I'm in h**l!"  
Then a clerk dressed as a German military chic approached us.  
"May I help you?" she said.  
"Yes," said Rammy, "I'm answering your want ad in the newspaper."  
"I'm sorry, but the position has been filled."  
Rammy's excitement dropped. Now THAT'S one ill-tempered sheep!

-NYU Medical Center: 1st avenue and 33rd-  
"This better be good," said Rammy at the reception desk.  
Then she turned to the secretary.  
"Hi. I'm here to apply for a job," she said as I flashed up the want ad.  
"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "There's one spot left available, and that's in the maternity ward"  
Rammy gave me the 'YES!' gesture, "That's where they take the babies 'out'," she explained to me, "I miss youth..."  
"Now, I'm not certain of the position you'll be taking in the ward, but you'll find it on the 5th floor. Fill this out right away, and take it to the head nurse."  
The secratary handed a job applicant form to the ram, who signed right away.  
"See you later, Village Boy!" she said, walking toward the elevator.  
I blushed, and turned to the secretary, "I was born here."

At this point, I made a break for the pool.  
I noticed that Lammy, Dani, Paula Fox, and Egg-yolk showed up after me, although they left Monk's before I did. Either they were busy chatting it up in the locker room, or they lost their way on the subway.  
I sat down on a bench that faced the pool and a bit of the FDR drive. Two unidentified teens were one bench over.  
"Hey, I heard some scientists in California found a way to cross-pollinate animals with humans and create anthropomorthic beings," said one teen.  
They noticed Paula over by the diving boards, with her fox tail in plain view.  
"That must be one of them," said the other teen.  
Then they saw Egg-yolk.  
"Hey, isn't that Teriyaki Yoko?"  
"Sure looks like her. I always thought she was an alein."  
"Are you kidding? She looks more like a deamon if you ask me!"  
Then I piped up, "She's a bug. Another cross-pollination of species."  
They stared at me, as if they saw me before, but they took little heed.  
"Thanks for that," said the one teen, "Oh, man, we were WRONG! But she's so SEXY with that swimsuit!"

Egg-yolk took a seat next to me the teens took notice of this.  
"Oh, man! Yoko's putting her arm around that guy!" said the one teen.  
"Is he her BOYfriend or something?" asked the other teen  
"I'm not sure if I seen him before. EXCUSE ME,"  
I turned,  
"You look familiar. Did we meet you before?"  
"Have you been to Greenwich Village?" I asked.  
Surely THAT rang a bell.  
"I got it! You're the guy who used to play at the coffee shops all the time! What are you doing here with Teriyaki Yoko?"  
"It's a long story. Go read Chapter One."

Then two people in tuxedos entered the pool area, and approached us.  
"Are you Teriyaki Yoko?" one said.  
"You got it, hon."  
"We're from the Miss America beauty pageant. You're the most remarkable woman we've ever seen in the state of New York. How would you like to represent Miss New York?"  
"How does this work?"  
"It's a beauty thing. You compete with three other nominees to see who wears a better dress and swimsuit and has a great talent. The winner competes with three other finalists, and the winner of that is crowned Miss America."  
"I'll do it!" said Egg-yolk.  
She left with the two men, and I was once again alone on the bench. Eventually Dani came over.  
"What just happened?" she asked.  
"Oh, Egg-yolk is gonna be Miss America!"  
My enthusiasm increased high enough to go swimming, so I made a break and jumped in. Again, due to my absence from the pool water, It was FREEZING COLD!

I retreated back to the pad, with a towel and a cup of hot coca to warm myself up. Kramer drops in, also with a towel, and goes to the fridge.  
"How's the pool?"  
"Cold. How's the East River?"  
"I've NEVER felt better!"  
"Egg-yolk is taking part in Miss America. Is that something?"  
Then Kramer started singing "There she is, Miss America..." on his way out.

That night at the Old Town bar, Me, MilkCan, Danny, Dani, PaRappa, Sunny, Paula Fox, and U-1 prepared ourselves at a booth to watch the Miss New York competition. On the TV above the bar counter, Egg-yolk was showing off in her swimsuit and her regular, purple dress. During the first commercial, Rammy came and joined us. She was frustrated, and looked a bit... heavier.  
"What happened to you?" asked Lammy.  
"I don't wanna talk about it," she grunted.  
"At least tell us what happened at the hospitol," I said.

She took a deep breath.  
"All right. Tom, remember that NYU place on 33rd and 1st? The place you claim to be born in? Well, I go to the maternity ward, and I hand the form to the head nurse. Then, I was clear on what my position was."  
"What was it?" asked Dani.  
"I have to breastfeed the newborns."  
"EWWWW!" the girls said. I blushed.  
"Anyway, I never had a baby of my own, so they injected this fluid on my chest, and it made my breasts grow a bit and now they produce milk as if I HAD a baby. I also have to wear this embarrassing garb complete with strawberry-colored undies. These nurses want those kids to think I'm a ballerina or something."  
"If it's so bad, how come you didn't quit?" said Danny  
"I can't. I'm on a one-year contract. The basic requirement is that I show up and feed 'em."

Then she got a hold of herself, and turned to the screen.  
"Is that Teriyaki?"  
"Yes. If things go well at the local judging, she's going to be Miss New York."  
Then all heard the announcer "And this year's Miss New York goes to: Teriyaki Yoko!"  
We all cheered. Well, most of us did. Rammy had Egg-yolk off her Speed Dial since the day she was fired.

The next day was a Friday. Egg-yolk paid a visit, with a MISS NEW YORK ribbon across her dress.  
"Hey, congradulations! You made the finals!"  
"Thanks, hon."  
"You know Wayne and Garth have got their show back on the air, and the Thomas Fay Orchestra is their house band?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Well, they heard about this too, so they want you to guest tonight."  
"That's great," she paused, "Now that I'm being nominated, the rules say no one's allowed to go out with me unless we have a chaperone. You hear that, hon? PROTECTION!"  
"Why does protection seem like something new to you? I thought all divas have bodyguards!"  
Then Egg-yolk zapped me.  
"You ever see Lady Gaga without a bodyguard?"  
"Well...yeah...uh..."  
"Now if you'll excuse me, I got an interview with the press coming up."  
She went into the hallway, singing "Here she comes, Miss America...", and closing the door.

Later, there was a knock. I answered the door, only to realize who showed up:  
"Helloooooooo, NEWMAN!"  
"Hello, TOOOOOOOM. I hear you're having an affair with my fiancee!"  
"Who? Egg-yolk?"  
"I BEG your pardon?"  
"Teriyaki Yoko. You know. The bug?"  
"Yes. NO. The greyscale look-alike of your sheep friend."  
"You mean Rammy? I'm sorry Newman, but she wasn't taking up breastfeeding newborns for me. This can be only summed up with TWO words: HELP WANTED! Sure, I picked out the spot for her, but the position was a million-to-one SHOT!"  
By this time, Newman has finally had it.  
"D**m you, Fay," he said as if he was finally defeated, "You useless pestule! All right, now where IS she?!"  
"I have NO idea."

That night, Wayne's show went on the air. With DeviantART records as their main sponsor, the boys agreed to upgrade their opening sequence. The installation of state-of-the-art microphones, speakers, and cameras, allowed the duo to hear the studio audience from the opposite plaform, and vice-versa, all while maintaining creative control. Also behind the couch and between the two exit stairways was a small stage for the house band to perform on.

After the first commercial, Egg-yolk stood at the top of the stairway, waiting for her cue.  
Wayne peeked at where she was standing, and started to introduce her.  
"Our next guest babe first appeared on our first-generation of Wayne's World back in Aurora, Illonois."  
"To be honest," said Garth, "She makes me feel kinds funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class!"  
The audience laughed.  
"Anyway," continued Wayne, "She followed us here and has been a regular invitation to our house band, the Thomas Fay Orchestra, and she's currenly running for Miss America. Please welcome, the very beutiful, the very sexy, and the very green Teriyaki Yoko!"  
After a wild applause, Egg-yolk came down the stairs and took her seat.

During the lenghty interview (part of their gimmick is to give sexier people longer interviews), Egg-yolk bought up all the good things that happened in her life, including  
-Meeting me and doing "Pinball Wizard"  
-Following me on my travels  
-The tape-and-boot incident  
-and the recent normal-sleeping incident.

Meanwhile, at the flats of those who were watching the show...  
-Rammy was on the phone with the hospitol, negotiating her contract, and attempting to quit, with no avail.  
-Kramer looks himself in the mirror. He realized he got taller from swimming in the East River.  
-Parappa makes love with Sunny, only to be distracted by the presence of Lammy, Katy, and Ma-San in the house band on TV.  
-Newman goes through a phone book repeating out loud "I LOTHE YOU!" to each name, but falls asleep.  
-Charles, the grumpy elevator guy, shoots foam suction darts at my face on the screen.

Then my band started playing "I Got A Feeling" all the way to the end; a mere two minutes of music.

The next morning, Egg-Yolk took off to go to the Miss America finals. I was in charge of watching her flat while she was gone, just in case a robber comes in. But I knew the place inside out: I was on the 8th floor, and there was nothing worth stealing.  
The finals went on tonight, and I called the gang over to watch. We all watched the performance and runway walk (or whatever they call them) from Miss Georgia, then the telephone rang. I answered it, "Teriyaki Yoko's suite. This is her roommate!"  
The others chuckled.  
"Is that you, hon?" Egg-yolk was using a backstage payphone, "I'm getting nervous."  
"Were you nervous back at the Miss New York thing?"  
"No. It was a smaller audience."  
"Here's my advice: Pretend you're back at the Miss New York place. Trust me, you'll do fine."  
There was a pause.  
"I think I'm getting the hang of it. Thanks, Hon," said Egg-yolk.  
Then the announcer on the phone and the TV said  
"and now, Miss New York, Teriyaki Yoko."  
"That's my cue. I gotta go," She hung up on me.

I grabbed a spot on the couch next to Lammy. On the TV, Egg-yolk showed up in her casual dress, then came back again in her swimsuit. She bent upward, facing the ceiling, but then CRICK! She was stuck in that position, and it really hurt. They ended up crowning her Miss America anyway.

A few days later, Me, Kramer, and Rammy were back at Monk's.  
"How'd your hospital job? I hear you're having trouble trying to quit," I said.  
"I still can't. They still want me there!" said Rammy, depressed, "This one kid had choppers, he tried to bite me!" then she lightened up, "I'll tell you one thing: My job may be humiliating... but my boobs feel GREAT!"  
"Well now you know what it feels like to be a mother-for-hire!" said Kramer.  
Rammy was not amused  
In stepped Egg-yolk, still bent upward from the other night.  
"Congratulations, Miss America," I said with enthusiasm, "I told you not to be nervous!"  
"What happened? Is that a back cramp or did your bra fall off?" said Rammy.  
"It's a back cramp, but what do you know?" she said.  
She attempted to zap Rammy, but the cramp affected her aim. The lightning jolt shot up from her antennae, bounced off the ceiling, and back to her, like U-1's helmet. She sat down next to Kramer.  
"You know what's good for your back?" said Kramer, "Let's take a swim in the East River. Whaddya say?"


	28. Chapter 23: Swapping on a Saturday Night

You remember Teriyaki Yoko's back cramp at the end of that last chapter, right? Well, she accepted the offer to swim in the East River with Kramer. While the river did cure the other swimmers' problems (thanks to word of mouth), I was told it didn't have an effect on Egg-yolk. I guess the benefits don't work on an exoskeleton. I had yet to see her.

I always liked to keep tabs with my friend E-gor whenever I move to a new pad, so I decided to call him up.  
"Hi, E-gor," I said, "I'm back in New York, buddy!"  
"Really? Where are you living?"  
"129 West 81st street. Just a block over from the museum!"  
"Oh, really? I'm not suprised."  
"What? Why's that?"  
"I'm in the next building over. 131."  
I walked toward the window and looked to my left. Sure enough, I saw his face sticking out of a window at the same altitude.  
"Well, what a coincidence," I said into the phone, "Drop by anytime!"

I went back to put the phone away, but when I did, it started ringing again, so I picked it back up.  
"Hello?"  
"Hey there, hon," It was Egg-yolk, laying on her bed, her head and antennes touching the floor.  
"Oh, hi. How's your back?"  
"It's still stuck in that position, and I don't think that East River was any help at all."  
"But it worked for those other people!"  
"But not for me, probablly because of my exoskeleton."  
I was proven correct.  
"Anyway," she continued, "This cramp is getting on my nerves, hon. I slept on my belly last night, and my head couldn't touch the pillow," she squeezed on her antenne as if it were a rubber stress ball, "and my audience would not want to see me like this."  
"Geez..."  
"You know of any good place for cramps like... a chiropractor?"  
"I know of this one on 65th street."  
"Would you mind giving them a call and pick me up?" she asked, "I'm starting to loose my balance from the uneven weight between my head and my feet."  
"Sure. I'll be right over."  
I hung up.

On my way downstairs, I heard a crash from MilkCan's apartment. I thought 'That's not good...' So I went inside to see what was the matter, but then I was shoved aside by Rammy.  
"Outta my way, Village Boy," she said as she charged for the stairs.  
Katy was the next one out, and she took me in.  
"I'm so glad you're here, Tom," she said, "Something bad just went on."  
I followed her to the bathroom (so girly), the first thing I noticed was a broken mirror.  
"Rammy ambushed the place and Ma-San was tossed toward the mirror," explained Lammy.  
"Oh my god!" I said, "Is she okay?"  
"Yes, but her dress didn't survive."  
The yellow mouse pulled my pants. Indeed, her red dress was torn here and there, and there were glass shards on the back.  
"MAMAMAMAM," she said ("It's okay. I have another one in the dresser.")  
"AMAMAM," I replied ("Well that's good to hear,") then in English, "I'm going to get Teriyaki Yoko to a chiropractor. Is there anything I can do for you on the way?"  
"Yeah. If you see Rammy, let her have it," said Lammy.  
"I can't hit a girl...or anyone for that matter!"  
"I mean torture her with something she doesn't like...like 'HEAD'!"  
(HEAD is the Monkees' movie)

So I kept that in mind as I took the subway town to her flat near Grand Central. Thankfully, I did not see her. I did however find Egg-yolk's doorman at her building.  
"Hi. I'm here to see Teriyaki Yoko."  
He appeared drunk-ish, but I couldn't really tell because his face was facing the opposite direction. He slowly peeked for a while, then turned over to a phone-like intercom, and pressed the button for her room.  
"Hello, this is Carlton. You know, the doorman?" he said in a sleepy, husky voice, "There's a guy in a blue shirt down here to see you. Is he your boyfriend?"  
After a pause, he let me to the stairs up to the 8th floor.  
I found Egg-yolk sitting down on a chair near the door.  
"Good. You're here," she said, "Let's go."  
I remembered about her loss of balance due to the cramp, so I lifted her and carried her on my back. Suprisingly, she was lightweight, like other beings with an exoskeleton. I got exausted when we got into the subway, so I put her down when we boarded the Shuttle. The cramp got worse and she fell down again, so I lifted her to a seat. I had to pick her up again for the switch to the uptown 1 train.  
Let me say this: I didn't feel so comfortable with her big butt pressed against the back of my head, but some people say it makes a good pillow :3.

SO ANYWAY...

The chiropractor was on 65th street between Broadway and CPW/8th. Just take the 1 to the Lincoln Center station. Unfortunately, the usual doctor was absent and a younger doctor was filling in for him. He knew a lot on how to deal with a bending cramp situation like the one Egg-yolk's having. So here's the advised procedure:  
1\. Put her down on the floor.  
2\. Take her hands, and place one foot on her chest or belly, which ever works.  
3\. Pull!  
So I pulled, and heard a CRICK! She could stand straight again!  
All that was free of charge.

On the cab ride back up to 81st street, Egg-yolk and I started chatting it up.  
"What's tomorrow?"  
"Saturday."  
"You wanna do Wayne's show tonight?"  
"Nah thanks, hon. I need a break from all that late-night stuff. My mother's coming tomorrow. I think you're gonna like her."  
"Ah."  
I got out of the cab, saying "So I'll see you Saturday night then?"  
"You got it, hon. Bring the girls, too!"  
Then the cab took off. I looked up and saw E-gor rest a flask on the window sill. I looked up and waved and he waved back.  
At the same time, Lammy came out to greet me.  
"Hey, Tom. How's it going?"  
"Great. I got Egg-uh... Teriyaki's back cramp taken care of, and her mother is coming tomorrow night. She wants you to come."  
"That's great."  
"Did you get a new mirror?"  
"We placed an order from , but it's going to take a couple of days to get here."  
"So what are you using for now?"  
"One of those travel types."

Just then, Rammy turned the corner onto our street.  
"YOU AGAIN! I had enough of you two!" she yelled to both of us.  
Then she made a running jump towards us and attacked. E-gor couldn't concentrate with the rukus from out on the sidewalk, so he went to close the window, but he accidently nudged the flask off the window ledge and down towards us.  
"TOM! Look out!" he yelled.  
I saw the flask coming, so I retreated back to the apartment. When the flask broke, a cloud filled the area in which Lammy and Rammy were fighting in. It cleared, and Lammy ran down to the end of the block.  
"Remember, we got Wayne's World tonight at 10:30!" I yelled. I hope she heard me.

-Lammy's POV-  
I did not see that cloud coming. I didn't know what happened to me. I ran inside the building when Tom yelled to Rammy running away Wayne's World at 10:30. I didn't know why he said that to Rammy. When I got into the apartment, Katy and Ma-San weren't in, so I took a nap on the bed.

A few minutes later, Katy came into the room, suprised to see me on the bed, but when I opened my eyes, she didn't look what I expected her to look like.  
"Rammy!" she said, "How did you get in here again?"  
I'm like "What are you talking about?"  
"MAMAMAM" said Ma-San. I had no clue what she said, but I could tell it wasn't pretty...  
"Wait! I'm n-n-n-not Rammy!" I stuttered.  
Then Katy went "What the...?"

I ran into the bathroom, turned on the shower, and blinked my eyes. 'Did they really think I was Rammy?' I thought. I looked down at my chest. It looked a bit 'heavier' than usual, but I dismissed it.  
I stepped out, wet and naked, and grabbed a towel. I really wished the mirror was here. I rubbed the comb over my hair, trying to avoid my horns, but when I pulled it before my eyes, it looked black rather than red. I turned around and picked up the clothes that I took off. The shirt was black with a skull on it. I gulped. This wasn't a good sign. I put my clothes back on (not to mention fresh new underwear) and went upstairs to Tom's. I hoped he still has his mirror.

-Back to Tom-  
I spotted Kramer on his way out.  
"I'm gonna fix a friend's screen door in the Rockaways."  
"You do that."  
He left and 'Rammy' appeared in my doorway.  
"Hey, Rammy," I said, "How do you know I live here?"  
"Tom, it's ME!" she said in Lammy's voice.  
'Oh, NO!' I thought.  
"I don't think I'm myself," she continued, "Where's your mirror?"  
"In the bathroom."  
I followed her in. She stared up and down at her reflection, suprised to find herself in Rammy's body.  
"Oh, NO! No wonder Katy has mistaken me!" she said.  
She fell back, and I caught her. We sat down on the couch (like a family) and turned on the TV. At my luck, we got a rerun of an old episode of "The Partridge Family".

After a half an hour, I heard a drill from across the hall. As Lammy stood up for the fridge, I went to open the door. I found Kramer hooking up a screen door-Maybe the one he was telling me about earlier.  
"Well that was quick. What's that?" I asked.  
"My friend gave me the screen door."  
"What do you need THAT for?"  
"The cool evening breezes of Anytown, USA!"  
I heard a choke and a cough from the kitchen, so I excused Kramer and went to where Lammy was standing. She went to the sink and started throwing up (?) some strange yellow mucas.  
"WOW!" I squealed, "What happened?"  
"I took a sip of orange juice," she explained, "Then I found myself barfing up a lung or something."  
I looked.  
"This is probablly an effect from smoking."  
"But I don't smoke!"  
"No, but Rammy does."

Later, at around 10:30, the band assembled at the abandoned subway station to prepare for the taping of "Wayne's World".  
"Did Lammy get a new look, or is Rammy trying to sneak in here?" asked Danny.  
"That's Lammy in Rammy's body. It must've been from an exploded potion-filled flask."  
"How do we know she isn't Rammy?" said Dani, practicing her harmonica.  
"Well, the way she holds her guitar is a dead giveaway."  
We all saw Lammy tune her guitar, upside down as she usually does.  
Then Terry, the cameraman, gave the signal. We started playing the theme song, and Wayne n' Garth took their positions on the couch. Halfway through the show, we heard a doorbell and in came a dancing pantomime horse for no reason whatsoever. (No, I have never seen the Late Late Show, but I heard it's pretty good.) Anyway, the audience didn't notice the new Lammy. Either we have 100% newcomers, or these people don't pay attention to the orchestra. Other than the horse, it was just another typical show. Eventually, the show ended and we called it another night.

The next morning, with Lammy in tow, we went to E-gor's pad.  
"Hey, E-gor," I said glumly, "I don't think Lammy and Rammy dodged that potion you dropped yesterday."  
"Was it the X-5D?" he turned around and saw Lammy, "It WAS the X-5D!"  
"Anything you can do?"  
"I'll have another batch ready by the end of the weekend."

Egg-yolk was waiting outside my building when we rounded the corner. She, too, was suprised.  
"What HAPPENED?" she asked bewilderedly.  
"I told it so many times. This is Lammy, not Rammy," I explained once more.  
We all went up to my pad. Kramer's screen door was not the only thing that was there. He had flower pots, wind chimes, a rocking chair...EVERYTHING!  
"What's this?" said Lammy.  
"Anytown, USA."  
Then Kramer emerged from the screen door, spraying water on a plant.  
"Hello, neighbor!" he said, shaking the wind chimes, "Oh, I see you and Rammy are getting along!"  
But we all said in unison, "That's LAMMY."  
"Oh, I see."  
Lammy and Egg-yolk entered the den, while I still spoke to Kramer.  
"I'm going down to Egg-yolk's place later today and meet her 'modda'. You wanna come?"  
"Maybe I'll join 'ya after the fireworks tonight."

I entered my apartment. Egg-yolk was on the couch putting on some eye liner.  
"I got a gig at the Beekman coming up, then I'm gonna pick up Mom at Penn Station," she explained, "If I'm not at the pad by the time you get there, I might still be at the gig."  
"Thanks for the heads up," I said.  
I saw the light flashing on my answering machine, so I pressed the PLAY button as Egg-yolk left.  
"You have two new messages. Friday, 11:30 PM:"  
I don't know how I missed that.  
"Beginning transmission from Planet Gitaroo, vis the intergalactic operator:"  
"Greetings, Tom. This is Emperor 'Zoe'. I understand you've finished the 'Tommy' project last Earth month. Some copies have been obtained by our planet through an intergalactic service known by many as eBay. The album gets frequent appearences on the radio, and we have enjoyed the adventures you and your friends were up to, by translating the liner notes. I wish you best of luck on your next project, and considering dropping by for a visit, so stand by whenever possible. By the way, if you get this message at a late time, I apologize; Planet Gitaroo has mixed up time zones and it's hard to find the right time to contact somebody. Anyway, 'peace out' as you Earth people would say."  
"End transmission."  
Well that seemed to be the nicest alien phone message I ever recieved!  
"Saturday, 8:15 AM"  
I was at E-Gor's place at that time.  
"Tom. Rammy. I found this number in Lammy's pocket. That's right. I'm stuck in this body. I bet you knew that flask was coming and didn't care to tell me. You know what you did. You put the 'kibosh' on me, and now, you're gonna get the 'kibosh'. I have 'kiboshed' before...and I will 'kibosh' again."  
Me and Lammy screamed.  
The message continued, "Oh, by the way, this is an FYI for Lammy if she gets her body back: the hospitol thought that the fluid they put on my chest lost its effect, so they did it again today. I recomend you take my place for a while if a cure doesn't come yet."  
"End of messages."  
Lammy look down at her 'heavy' chest, and started hyperventalating. She rushed out onto the hallway. I caught a glympse of Kramer at his rocking chair, happily staring at a lighted sparkler in his hand. 'Fireworks' my foot!

So for the rest of the day, I kept the door locked. Kramer is so occupied by his 'front porch' that he doesn't bother to drop in anymore. But this is due to Rammy. On the other hand, I doubt that she will actually show up, because I'm positive that she doesn't know where I live. But like in Amity Park, the ghost form comes in handy to avoid detection, and to beat any oncoming traffic. I spent the afternoon taking pictures of subway hotspots, but then when I got to Jay Street on the A line, I started thinking about high-tailing it up to Egg-yolk's place to meet her mother. Come to think of it, the surname Yoko is starting to sound familiar, like I heard that name before, and I don't mean Yoko Ono; That's a completely different story all together.  
I took the A train down to 42nd street and switched to the 7. The shuttle is, as everybody knows, a long walk from 8th avenue, so taking the 7 is better for this situation, but makes a pit stop at 5th avenue before getting to Grand Central.  
Lammy, Katy, Sunny, and Dani joined me at 5th avenue. They must've taken the B train from 81st Street, which switches over to 6th avenue after 59th Street.  
We got off and walked up the long flights of stairs out of the station, and onto the street, where we ran into PaRappa (not literally).

Egg-yolk's place, the Griffin, was three blocks down, and eight flights up, but I didn't want to startle her mother, so we went in the old-fashioned way: checking in with the doorman.  
"Hi. We're here to see Teriyaki Yoko," I said as he turned his head.  
He picked up the headset and pressed her buzzer.  
"Hello. This is Carlton, your doorman," he said in his sleepy, husky voice, "There's a boy-girl-cat-lamb-dog party that wants to see you. It's either that or I'm hallucinating again,"  
His posture was lightning-jolted to an upright position via Egg-yolk's antenne, "Should I send 'em up?"  
He put the headset down and nodded. We went toward the elevator, but then I remembered why I don't take elevators anymore.

CHARLES!

"So! You think going on a hiatus would stop me from recognizing you? Well, I wasn't born yesterday, WIMP!" then he turned to Lammy/Rammy, "And furthermore, I hate GOTH!"  
"I'm NOT goth!" protested Lammy.  
"Tell that to the department store clerk," he said, slamming the door.  
Stairs again...

I knocked on her door, and there was Egg-yolk, and her mother standing behind her. Only it wasn't just her mother. It's was Babs, and old friend of MY mother!  
"Towm? Izzat wheally you?" she said with a strong New York Accent.  
"Uh... yeah, Babs. It's been a long time. I had no idea that you're her mom!" I stuttered.  
"Aw, it's a smaw wald!" Come to think of it, she sounds like Caroll on that old show "Seinfeld".  
Then I turned to the girls behind me, "Everyone, this is Egg-yolk's mother, Babs Yoko. Babs, this is Dani Fenton, Katy Kat, Sunny Funny, PaRappa, and uh... Lammy."

-Danny's POV (back at the pad)-  
Kramer was seated on his rocking chair, and I started chatting it up with him.  
"...so I pressed the ON button, and FLASH, I woke up as a ghost."  
"Hmm. That's impressive!" said Kramer, "Do you use 'em a lot these days?"  
"Well, there's no other ghost here but Tom and Dani. I sometimes see Tom use his ghost powers for non-exterminating purposes, but he feels better off riding the subway."  
"I see."  
"By the way, I was looking for Tom and Dani. Are they up here?"  
"Nah. They're out on the town. He said something about a mother."  
"Teriyaki Yoko's?"  
"I dunno. Maybe the green girl's."  
"THAT's Teriyaki Yoko."  
"OH. Oh yeah. You been there yet? Tom tells me it's nice over there."  
"Nah. Where is it?"  
"You know how to navigate the subway, right?" I nodded, "He says it's near Grand Central. That's 1 down and S over...or C down and 7 over!"  
"Thanks!"  
I turned into a ghost, and flew out the hallway window. A few minutes later, a baseball is thrown in Kramer's "porch" area.  
"Oh, I had about enough of you! I'm keeping this now!"  
A rock is hurled toward the flowerpots near Tom's door.  
"And that goes for your ROCK, too!"

It was about 7-ish, and the rush hour in the subway was over, and that meant less crowds and an increase in the interval between trains. The 79th Street station was almost empty! I saw a sign that said the next 1 train was due in 9 minutes. I didn't want to wait that long. So I flashed into a ghost, turned invisible, and flew down the tunnel as fast as I could. (Tom: How come I didn't think of that?) Tom once told me that as the upper 1 line and the shuttle line were originally part of a larger route in the subway's heydays, they were still somehow, in one way or another, connected to each other. Indeed, after passing 50th street, I noticed the track split into two, one curving to the left. I slowed down to see where it went, and there were the platforms for the shuttle. So full speed ahead in that direction.

-Back to Tom-  
Back at Egg-yolk's pad, most of us were chatting it up drinking champagne. Babs was telling us how she gave birth to Egg-yolk.  
"So I wemembuh Towm when he wuz abowt one to two yeaws oad, then I moved owt to Cowafornia. I wanded a baybee of my own for quwite sowme toime, then a goy combs and he says he's a soientist. He sas he's doing a cwoss paul-i-nation thing, and asks me to be a mova two a success-fowl anfwopomowfic be-in."  
I wanted an excuse to leave. I could no longer stand that crazy Queens talk. Then I saw Danny appear through the window. I said hi, introduced him to Babs, and she continued her story.  
"So I giv burf to Terwiaki, here, and we staed there foe a caple of yeaws, then she mooved to Wodneytown with all these over anthwos, and I mooved ovuh to Filli."  
Then Egg-yolk started her POV of the story.  
"I signed to the Pet label, and hand picked the ones who are going to be in the band, and Rammy was one of them. I started to get followed by screaming fans, but ironically, my records were bombs. I didn't know I was that bad of a singer, and I thought it was lack of notice, so I started to go on tour. Rammy sorta missed 7 out of the 10 gigs I had booked. On the last one, Lammy sorta crashed the place on accident, and I asked her to fill in for Rammy. I had no idea you girls knew each other until she appeared through the teleportation machine, right hon?"  
Lammy blushed.  
"So anyway, Lammy made it to her gig, and I went back to recording at Pet. Soon enough, her band signed, and we became good friends. And then, along came Tom."  
"And the rest, as they say, is history!" I concluded.  
"It's been a wong time, goys. How owd aw you now?"  
I stood up and turned to the door, "About 20-ish."  
Egg-yolk followed me, "So am I."  
"Eggie-poo," she said (Oh no, not another embarressing nickname! I thought) "You gowta hav a BAY-BEE!"  
We stopped in our tracks and slowly turned around.  
"What?" I said, flabbergasted.  
"I nowticed you spent a lowt of twime with her! You wanna cunsiduh yewself DAYTUHS? You're owd enuff!"  
"Uhhhh..." I said.  
"C'mon, hon. Let's get outta here," whispered Egg-yolk, "I'm starting to get sick of her too!"  
We opened the door and ...  
It was that crazy pantomime horse again!

And then Egg-yolk decided to buy me burritos at a Chipotle of my choice. I told her of this new one up on 72nd and Broadway, so we decided to fly there. I held Egg-yolk by her belly, turned into a ghost, and we lifted up into the air. Although the evening breeze was good, by the time we got to Lincoln Center, her face started to look a bit more red than the usual green, as if she was about to throw up from the altitude. So we landed on 70th street and walked the last few blocks. Thankfully, the place was still open.  
Then Egg-yolk zapped me before we went in.  
"Next time you carry me, don't fly."

So we had our dinner at one of the outdoor tables. The small buildings on the traffic islands that housed the subway station were in plain view.  
"So what do you think?" she asked.  
"What? The burritos? They're good as always."  
"I mean, uh..., what Mom said on our way out."  
"Oh. Having a baby?" She nodded, "I dunno. I didn't think we would be going out long enough to be considered a boyfriend-girlfriend couple."  
"So what's stopping us? We're on the same label, we're about the same age..,"  
"And you're an anthropomorphic bug, while I'm 100% human..."  
"You got a point there. What do you think we should do, hon? If we don't do something, Mom might keep nagging us until we do."  
We walked to the subway station and threw away the foil wrapping that came with the burritos.  
"I really thought I was meant for Lammy."  
"I thought you were afraid of anthro seduction."  
"Well, yeah, until I actually got the experience back in Chapter 2."  
"And?"  
"It was nothing."  
We walked down the stairs to the uptown platform. The 1 train was due in two minutes.  
"So what if we do have a baby?"  
"I dunno if it's going to be human or bug."  
"When I was born the scientist told Mom that female anthros have both kinds of eggs, one of which being human."  
"So what we got here is a 50/50 chance, and if we end up not wanting him, we can send it to an orphanage."  
"What about Lammy?"  
"I think she's better off as being just a friend."

The 1 train finally came, and there was Lammy (still as Rammy).  
"There you are!" she said, "I called it quits with Babs a few minutes ago, and was gonna call you, but you weren't home."  
"We were having some Mexican," I explained,  
"And we were thinking of raising a kid!" said Egg-yolk.

Once we got back at the pad, E-gor entered with a new batch of the X-5D, and we all waited at the window for the two sheep to show up on the sidewalk below. Sure enough, there was Rammy walkng down the street. Lammy was standing in Rammy's body, ready to make the switch. They both stood on a bright chalk X on the pavement. Rammy never bothered to look down. She just looked Lammy in the eye.  
"What?" she said.  
E-gor threw down the X-5D onto their heads, and POOF...  
They both yelled "I'M ME AGAIN!", but then they looked at each other... "OH NO!" yelled Lammy, and ran inside. She was back to recognizing Rammy like she used to.

Up at out pad, Kramer burst into the room. His clothes were torn and tattered, and there was shaving cream on his screen door.  
"You got a rubber hose?" he asked.  
"Yeah. It's under the sink."  
He quickly pulled it out and hooked it to the faucet.  
"What's going on?" said Egg-yolk.  
"Well while you guys were gone, somebody thought it was funny to start ambushing on my front porch. LOOK WHAT THEY DONE!"  
Lammy appeared and saw the mess Kramer was pointing to.  
"Good to have you back to normal!" I said.  
Kramer peeked out the doorway, "AHA! I see you! You're gonna pay!" then back inside, "Listen, I'll say something, and one of you turn on the sink."  
E-gor walked to the sink, "What'll you say?"  
"I dunno. Maybe... 'hooche mama'?"  
I rolled my eyes. I joined Egg-yolk on the couch's arm and watched Kramer open the door.  
"HOOCHE MAMA!" he yelled.  
E-gor was fumbling with the T-shaped hot/cold knobs on the sink. He couldn't turn it on that easily. It was too late. The bullies opened fire at Kramer with silly string.

Then I turned to Egg-yolk. "So what are we going to call our kid?"


	29. Chapter 24: Just Like Old Times (M)

**NOTE: Rated "M" for** ** _brief_** **Lime moment at the end**

Teriyaki Yoko's mother stayed with her a little while longer at her place. Eventually, she caught the first Amtrack back to Phiidelphia. Egg-yolk finally has the place to herself, and we could have a kid when we're ready to. Meanwhile, Kramer finally realized that all those problems were because of his screen door, so he took it down, but that didn't stop him from coming up with more crazy ideas. A restaurant that serves only Peanut Butter sandwiches? Yeah, right! Anyway, about the baby thing, we didn't start, because there's a lot of stuff on the to-do list to get clear.

First: Set up a home recording space for Rammy and a couple of friends to use, since Rammy is still banned from recording studios since Chapter 20. Fortunately, Rammy has a Mac, which comes with GarageBand, so all she needed was a couple of headphones, microphones, mic stands, and 2-to-1 adapters, and I knew just the place: at J&R Music World, near the Brooklyn Bridge.  
Lammy and I spent two hours gathering the necessities. We took them down to the desk, and... Oh, no! Not again!  
"You want fries with that?"  
I walked around and punched up the prices and bagged the items myself, and put the money right into the cash register. The only thing the teen did was just stand there saying "You want fries with that?" just like a broken record.  
I took the stuff and we walked to the Chambers Street station. First a J train uptown to Delancy/Essex, then a downtown F train to Carrol Street (Rammy's stop), somewhere near Red Hook. I wasn't so thrilled about that. Wikitravel says Red Hook has a lot of bad guys down there.

We got off and walked over to Henry Street. We saw Rammy on her front stoop, smoking. She is definately one of them. She tossed her cigarette onto a nearby puddle, and we followed her inside, and up to her den.  
"Well, it ain't much, but it's home," she smirked, "The computer's over there."  
Indeed, the apartment was small with three rooms: a kitchen/dining/living room with the computer on a desk near the door, a bathroom, and a bedroom. Like her Rodneytown den from Chapter 2, the place had goth colors and the bathroom did not have a door on it. Even so, it seemed like a groovy pad, but Rammy doesn't like to use that kind of lingo.  
Lammy and I showed her the equipment we got for the impromptu studio. Rammy has guitars, basses, drums, and pianos, and various stuff on the floor.  
"Village Boy, you work a lot with plugs and wires and Macs. YOU hook it up," said Rammy.  
"What about me?" asked Lammy.  
"Go get me a pizza, doppelganger."  
So while Lammy went out, I got the stuff hooked up in 40 seconds flat. Rammy just stood there with another cigarette in her hand.  
"Okay, " I said, "It's all hooked up, calibrated, and ready to use."  
"Thanks," smirked Rammy. Then she yelled out the window to some goth-punk-gangster type kids out on the street, "Hey, guys! The studio is OPEN!"  
They all rushed inside at twice the speed as Lammy, who just barely made it through the door with Rammy's pizza.

I finally made my cue to get outta there. I got on an F train and took it up to West 4th Street. Greenwhich Village. Cafe Wha? The Bitter End. Everything was still there. I'm home again! I really wished I had my guitar with me.  
I stopped into a nearby Chipotle for some lunch. There, one seat over, was my old girlfriend, Pamaula.  
"Tom?"  
"Pam?"  
"It's great to see you again!" she reached over and hugged me, "Where've you been all this time?"  
"Oh, Rodneytown, Amity Park, Chicago, and here I am again! What about you?"  
"I've been staying here. My parents moved out, so I've nothing to worry about. Where are you living now?"  
"I have this great spot on the Upper West Side. You wanna see?"  
"Of course!"  
So we got on an Uptown B train.  
"Did you find a girlfriend on your adventures?"  
"Yeah. I met her at Rodneytown and now she's got a place near Grand Central."  
Pam looked up at me, "I really thought we were meant for each other."  
"I know. Me too. I'm really sorry we had to break up like that."  
"Can we still be friends now that we're back together?"  
"Uh... Yeah."  
Pam rested her head on my shoulder, like she used to do. The train hit the big curve over to Central Park West, and we got off two stops later.

"It looks really cool!" said Pam as we walked in the room.  
Then there was a noise from Kramer's door. A man in a suit left.  
"Kramer? Who was THAT?"  
"Butcher," he explained, "Newman and I called in for some meat."  
"What're you gonna use it for?"  
"Make sausages of something out of 'em! Who's your friend?"  
I gestured to Pam, "Just a friend."

I excused Kramer and went to answer the buzzing intercom.  
"Yeah?"  
"It's me, hon," said Egg-yolk's voice.  
"Okay, c'mon up!"  
"Who is it?"  
"My girlfriend. A big diva."  
"A big diva? REALLY? What's her name?"  
"Does the name Teriyaki Yoko ring a bell?"  
"OMG!" yelled Pam with glee, "I listen to her music ALL the time ever since she started singing good!"  
Enter the green bug herself.  
"OMG! Teriyaki Yoko in person! In FRONT OF ME!"  
Pam started to grovel down in front of her.  
"I LOVE YOU!" she chanted.  
"What's this? Are you starting a cult to worship me?"  
"No. Egg-yolk, you got yourself a fan. Pamaula, here, was my old girlfriend before I left the Village."  
"I see. I just bought some studio time, hon. You wanna come?"  
"We'll catch up with ya."  
Egg-yolk left. Pamaula got up.  
"So what do you think of her, now that you've met?"  
"She's okay, I guess," said Pam, "She's got a cute butt, though."  
"You wanna come with me to the studio? I know a shortcut."  
"Yeah."  
Before we started to leave, Kramer burst in with a VHS in his hand.  
"Do you mind if we watch a show in your room?" he said.  
"Why not your's?"  
"I'm taping a baseball game."  
"All right."  
Kramer went to the couch and sat down. Newman followed, with two buckets of popcorn in his hand. I groaned.

I took Pam up to the rooftop of the building. On the way, I told her about Amity Park, and meeting Danny, and how I got my ghost powers. I took Pam by the belly, and flashed into ghost form, and took flight. She really enjoyed the breezes as we flew over Central Park, and she stuck out her arms as if they were wings. She was loving every bit of it.  
We landed outside the entrance on Lexington, and went inside to the atrium where I have my speech in Chapter 20. I showed Pam to the front desk for a visitor's pass, and then we head upstairs to the studio.  
I heard a noise coming from a door with the light off. I knocked. I was allowed in.  
MilkCan was listening to their new tape. A Nashville-style rendition of Dylan's "Sign on the Window". There were fiddles on the floor.  
Pam whispered "What are they?"  
"Cat, mouse, and lamb. Teriyaki is a bug."  
"I thought you were afraid of anthro seduction."  
"It's a long story. I got over it."  
"Oh."  
Then Katy turned around.  
"Hey, Tom! Who's your friend?"  
"This is Pamaula. She's sort of a 'Village Girl'. I used to date her way back when. Pam, this Lammy, Katy Kat, and Ma-San."  
"MAMAMAM" said Ma-San (Pleasure)  
To my surprise, Pam said "AMAMMAMAMAAMAM" (You're pretty cute.)

We left the booth over to the buffet table in the open space near the elevators.  
"You speak mouse?" I asked.  
"Of course!" said Pam, "I was in the same class as you, remember?"  
Oh yeah.  
At the table, I saw our boss, Mr. Jay; his assistant, Baren; Wayne; and Garth.

"Hello, Tom...and friend," said Mr. Jay.  
"Now Wayne," said Baren, "Because DeviantART is your show's main sponsor, I think it would be good for Mr. Jay here to have frequent interviews on the show."  
"Oh really?" said Wayne, "Mr. Jay is a heck of a nice guy, but I will not bow to any sponsor interview," He took a slice of pizza from a Pizza Hut box.  
"Well, some things are the nature of the beast," continued Baren.  
"Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out," Wayne bit a Dorito chip, "Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right?"  
Garth was wearing all Rebook gear that day.  
"It's like people do things because they get paid, and that's really sad."  
Baren paused and thought about that and spoke, "I think you have a point there, Garth. It's true, Mr. Jay has a tendancy to use up the money he puts in his wallet before the end of the day."  
Egg-yolk appeared over by a Capitol One ATM machine.  
"What's in YOUR wallet?" she said.  
"My eyes are getting red," said Pam.  
"There's a Visene for that!" I said.  
Baren chuckled, and turned back to Wayne.  
"So Wayne, would you like Mr. Jay on your show?"  
"I can't talk about it anymore," he interrupted, "It's giving me a headache."  
Garth tossed over some pills, "Here. Take two of these!"  
"Ah, Nuprin! Little. Yellow. Different."  
He swallowed them with some seltzer.  
"Come to think of it," said Mr. Jay, "Whose idea was it to put me on the show? Yours or mine?"  
Baren paused again, "Mine. Sorry," he turned back to Wayne, "I'm sorry about all this Wayne. Mr. Jay says you don't have to put him on the show, but if you want to, it's your choice."  
"Yes...," said Wayne "...and it's the choice of a new generation!" He sipped the last can of Pepsi.

Egg-yolk joined me and Pam in the elevator, and we walked to the subway station at 53rd street.  
"So I'll see you around?" said Pam.  
"I guess so. You wanna join us for dinner at Old Town tonight?"  
"Okay!" Pam kissed me, and then got on a downtown 6 train.  
I was left with Egg-yolk, and I agree, she does have a cute butt. We walked downstairs to a downtown E train, then switched for a B at 7th avenue, and up to 81st street.  
We saw PaRappa and Sunny walking out of the museum by the time we exited, and they joined us.  
"How ya doin', guys?" said PaRappa.  
"Fine. Yourself?"  
"Sunny has big news."  
We crossed the street to my side.  
Then Sunny spilled, "We're gonna make love tonight!"  
"WOW!" I squealed, "Really?"  
She nodded.  
"Well, good luck with that!"

We entered the apartment building and walked upstairs.  
"I helped Lammy set up a home studio for Rammy. You wanna...?"  
"Lammy already told me about it. Sure, I'll give it a looksie, hon. Then we'll make out after dinner, right?"  
"Yeah. Right now, I gotta check my messages."  
We continued down the hall to my room. I heard some strange conga music coming through there. I opened the door, and we saw Kramer and Newman ruining the kitchen area with sausages lying about.

"What are you doing?"  
"Making sausages," said Kramer happily.  
I shut off the conga music.  
"I thought you were watching a video!"  
"Well, yeah! An instructional video on how to make your own sausages!"  
"Well, you gotta give them to somebody soon, because I'm coming back tonight, and this place better be clean!"  
Then Egg-yolk chimed in, "You don't have to get fussy about it, hon," then turned to Newman, "If you want, I can have those sausages. What's your asking price?"  
Newman gave her the eye, then spoke, "So YOU'RE Teriyaki Yoko, huh?" She nodded, "All right. It ain't easy bein' green, so how does 20 bucks sound?"  
"Deal," she forked the money to him, "Have those boxed by the time we get back, or else..." she zapped him.  
Newman jumped and scurried out, "C'mon, Kramer. Let's go down and get some boxes!"

I walked over to the phone and pressed a button.  
Two messages.  
"Hey, it's U-1. Uh... Emperor Zowie called me. Said he's comin' over to visit tomorrow. Come on down when you're in, and we can set the place up."  
"Hi, Tom. This is Danny. I'm at Prospect Park with Dani, and we're gonna stop at Rammy's on our way back up and check the place out. Yoko called and told us about your old friend. Can't wait to meet her. Gotta go."  
BEEP

SO ANYWAY

After a ride on the F train, Egg-yolk and I waited for Danny and Dani to show up on the opposite platform. For three minutes they have not showed up. Then my cell phone rang. It was Danny.  
"Tom, we're at the station for Prospect Park. Which train do we take? The B, the Q, or the S?"  
"No, you're at the wrong station. That's the one on the east side of the park. You want the one on the southwest side, at 15th street."  
"What do we do there?"  
"Take any Queens train to Carrol street. We'll see you on the other platform."  
I hung up.  
"What's keeping them?" asked Egg-yolk.  
"Oh, nothing. They're on their way."  
We saw a light glow brighter from one end of the tunnel. Danny and Dani flew in, and onto our side of the station. How come I never thought of that?

We went up the stairs, feeling a bit scared on the idea of going to the dwelling of Lammy's evil twin (not sister).  
Midway, when we waited to cross the border into Red Hook, Dani was stand...err...floating with one leg in front of the other.  
"I have to pee REALLY bad," she whined.  
"I told you to go before you went ghost. You remember the ghost jumpsuit is un-take-off-able, right?" scolded Danny.  
I rolled my eyes.

When we finally got to Rammy's building, those who were in ghost form (Danny and Dani) flashed out. We all rushed inside to the 3rd floor. Rammy's door was open, as usual. We peeked in, and saw her planted at the computer with Lammy.  
"Where's your guys?"  
"They're taking a shower. They were at the beach near Coney Island. They bought me this:"  
She tossed me a souviner keychain with a miniature picture inside it. I looked throught the hole. It looked like one of her friends standing next to some random woman I don't know. I gave it back.  
"Look, now's not a good time for a visit or anything."  
"Can I at least use the bathroom?" pleaded Dani.  
"All right."  
Dani dashed off to the bathroom doorway, and was suprised the doorway didn't have a door. Desperate, she went inside anyway. Dani let out a deep sigh as she came back, and we left.  
I could hear Rammy say "Are they gone yet?"  
"Yes," said Lammy.  
"God, I hate your friends."

Back at the subway station, an F train arrived and Egg-yolk stepped on.  
"We'll see you tonight at Old Town okay?" I said.  
She nodded, and the train departed. I want to give this tunnel flying a try. So I joined Danny and Dani at the southern end of the platform, and we all assumed a get-ready-to-run position.  
"It's a good idea to get a running start when doing this," Danny explained.  
"I'll try to remember that."  
"3...2...1...GO!"  
We flashed into a ghost, and like a plane on a runway, we ran as fast as we could and jumped off the platform. We were flying. This, was indeed, awesome. The breezes from passing trains felt very good. We followed the tunnel up through 6th avenue, then made the turn onto 8th avenue, and out to 81st street.

The sausages were boxed and ready to go when I walked in. They actually smelled good. I took half of the boxes for myself. I hauled the rest on a janitor's cart back down to the subway station. I took a C train down to 42nd street, and switched in the opposite direction for the E. (The transfer to the 7 was not wheelchair accessible from 8th avenue, so this was my recomended detour).  
After a transfer to the 6 at Lexington, I was at Grand Central. I hauled the cart to the Chrysler building exit (surely there's elevators over there), and down to Egg-yolk's apartment building.  
The sleepy doorman was on duty again. I told him to call down Egg-yolk, and have him bring up the sausages. I stayed down at the lobby to avoid another Charles encounter.

SO THAT HAPPENED

At the Old Town, everyone who promised to be there was there. Danny, Dani, Lammy, Rammy, Pam, Me, and Egg-yolk.  
After the necessary introductions, PaRappa and Sunny entered.  
"So how did it go?" I asked.  
"I'm pregnant!" said a delighted Sunny.  
Then Rammy sarcasticly piped in "Hooray for you."  
"Who talked you into that?" asked Pam.  
"My mom," said Egg-yolk, who was reminded that we're next, "We had her over a few weeks ago, then she started nagging us about having a baby because we're all adults now. We all figured if we do it now, she won't have to keep nagging us."  
"What a crazy mom!" said Pam, "Do you think I should find a mate?"  
"I could fix you up with U-1. He's a... normal guy. No big personal superpowers to interfere with."  
"I don't see any problem with that."  
"Good. He lives up at my building. I'll be on hand to help out."  
"Tom, you bug!" Pam hugged me.  
Egg-yolk cleared her throat, "I'M the bug, hon!"

So after dinner, we went our seperate ways at the subway station. Pam got took an N train back to her pad in SoHo. Rammy took a 6 train down to Bleecker for the F back to Red Hook. PaRappa and Sunny got on an L train (I'm guessing...Williamsburg or Chelsea). Lammy, Danny, and Dani got on a Q train up to Times Square for the C train to 81st. It was down to me and Egg-yolk. We took a 4 train up to Grand Central, and upstairs to her pad.

"Are you ready for this?" She said as we opened the door.  
I nodded, and followed her inside and turned on the lights. We took our clothes off and got in our king-sized bed. We started to collide. I felt a bit nervous. No sponge, no pill... the barrier was open.  
Finally, it "went in", and we let out a deep sigh. We did it. This is it.

Teriyaki Yoko is pregnant.


	30. Chapter 25: The Zowie Sleeps Tonight

_"Love! Hi Rick and Dave and Pop._  
 _Good morning, Mom!_  
 _Love! Get up! Guess what! I'm in love,_  
 _With a girl I found!_  
 _She's pretty swell, 'cause she likes_  
 _Church, bingo chances,_  
 _And old-time dances!"_  
-Bruce Johnston, 1971

It was 5:55 in the morning. I got up at the same time as Teriyaki Yoko. We were both naked from last night. Egg-yolk was finally pregnant to fulfill her mother's dreams. But because she was hit last night, there was no significant change yet...

Egg-yolk put on clean undies and her one dress. I put my clothes from last night back on, and they were due for a run in the laundry. The dress was stain-proof, so it NEVER needs a run in the laundry.  
I followed Danny's tunnel-flying method for the journey back up to 81st street. At the pad, I chucked away my current set of clothes and pulled out an identical set from my dresser. I put the dirty ones in a box and set off.

I ran into U-1 on the stairway.  
"Hey, Tom. Danny told me where you were at with uh... 'Egg-yolk'. How did it go?"  
"She's pregnant!" I said, "Any word yet from Zowie?"  
"'Zoe'. He called from Cape Canaveral and planning to come in to JFK at 9:00."  
"That's great. You know how to get there, do you?"  
"No."  
"Well come along with me and we'll go together."  
"Where are you going now?" He said as we started walking.  
"Laundromat. Gonna do a load of wash."

THE LAUNDROMAT

I sat at a bench in front of my station. Then Paula Fox entered with her load. This seemed ironic, because she lives down by Tibecca.  
"Hi, Tom. What's shakin'?" She put her dirty clothes in her station.  
"Egg-yolk's finally a preg!"  
"'Egg-yolk'?"  
"Teriyaki Yoko."  
"Oh yeah. When did she get the idea to have a baby?"  
I paused. I remembered she didn't meet Babs, the mother. But I didn't want to bring her up again.  
"Uh... She just wanted one as a way to remember me by in case I ditch her."  
"Oh. Little souviner keychain?"  
"Yeah, you could say that."  
We leaned over our machines. Our garments were tumbling in front of the windows. Then we felt a hand rub our backs. It felt good, but unexpected. Then it gave us a wicked pinch. We turned around, and our jaws dropped. We did not see her since we left Rodneytown.

It

was

AURA!

"I'm so glad I finally caught up with you two," she said sarcastilly.  
She pulled out a cigarette from her (very)miniskirt. I nervously pointed up to a NO SMOKING sign above us.  
"Whatever," she said, flipping us off.  
Paula and I sat down as Aura walked toward the empty machine in between ours. She took her outer shirt off.  
"What are you doing?" asked Paula.  
"Same as you. Load of wash..," she popped open her bra, "...and a striptease free of charge."  
She tossed both garments into her machine. Ours BUZZed and we quickly took them out and left before she took off anything else.

LET US NEVER COME HERE AGAIN.

I rushed back to the pad with the box in hand. An MTA van sat by the curb. I gulped, and went inside. I opened my door. Standing in front of me were three cops, along with Danny and Dani.  
"WOW!" I squealed, dropping the box.  
"Mr. Fay?" said the cheif.  
"Yes. That's me."  
"We're from the MTA," he showed us his card, "We got reports about three flying figures speeding throughout the tunnels, and they were certainly not birds."  
"Uh huh?"  
"And we've noticed these flights often start/end at the 81st Street station."  
"Yes."  
"We are aware of Mr. and Ms. Fenton's secret identities as ghosts," he gestured to Danny and Dani, "But you, I don't know how you fly. Maybe some sort of pocket glider."  
"So what's your point?"  
"Look," the cheif continued, "If you're gonna fly, do it above ground, and not near the tunnels. I worked hard to get where I am today, and I did not develop the subway system to turn it into a flying arena or what-have-you."  
"Okay. What's the fine?"  
"Well, the least we can say is that you remained within fare control, so... How does five cents sound?"  
Bewildered at such at a rediculously low rate, I hesitated to question him, but I did fork over a nickel. Satisfied, the cheif  
and his troops said goodbye and left.

I turned back to the ghost duo.  
"Danny, Emperor Zowie: remember him? Chicago."  
"I thought his name was pronounced 'Zoe', but yeah. What about him?"  
"I'm gonna go pick him up at the airport. You wanna come?"  
They both nodded, although Danny's the one who knew him, not Dani.  
We started to leave, but then Kramer came out with new clothes.  
"Hey," I said, "Where'd you get that?"  
"Rudy's Antique Botique! See, when you outgrow your old clothes or when you inheret an old relative's clothes, you sell them to Rudy, and you get some dough."  
"You gotta take me there sometime. I'm gonna bring in a friend from another planet. He might be interested in sharing some stuff."  
"Giddyup!"

This time we took the subway the normal way. We only needed to make one transfer: from a downtown C to a Queens-bound E at 42nd street. My cell phone rang by the time the train reached the Court Square station.  
"Hi, Tom. It's me, Katy. Where are you?"  
"On the subway. How about you?"  
"The news about Teriyaki Yoko spread quickly among all of us, and we're at her place checking up on her."  
"How is she doing?"  
"Her belly just started to inflate."  
"That's great!" Now we're at Jackson Heights Station, "I'm gonna pick up a friend at JFK Airport, then I'm free. You guys want to get together at Monk's?"  
"Sounds cool. See you there!"  
After a once around the train that circles the airport (more commonly known as the JFK AirTrain), we finally got Emperor Zowie (his talking cat in tow) and made our journey back to Manhattan.

"How was plane ride in?" I asked when we got to Monk's.  
"Terrible," said Zowie, "When the ship landed at Cape Canaveral, me and my cat, Ming-Ming, were so anxious for the plane ride to here, and we started arguing about who would get the window seat."  
Then a girl's voice said "Mornin' everybody!"  
"EGG-YOLK!" We all clinked glasses as she sat down next to me.  
Indeed, her belly got a bit bigger.  
"Egg-yolk, you remember Emperor Zowie, right?"  
She nodded.  
"So continue."  
"Then this steward insisted that Ming-Ming was not allowed in the seats."  
Ming-Ming peeked her head from inside Zowie's cape.  
"Who came up with these rules anyway?"  
"Exactly. So anyway, they put her in a box that you people call 'pet cages', and I felt lonesome on the plane."  
I continued, "Then by the time we came, he was still waiting for her at the baggage claim."  
Zowie nodded in aggreement.  
The next ones to enter were Lammy and Katy.  
"Hey, Tom!" said Katy, then turning to Zowie, "Hi. Tom told me about you. Were you the guy who sang 'Go to the Morror'?"  
"Yeah."  
"Great! What was your name again?"  
"Emperor Zowie."  
"Katy Kat, and that's Lammy."  
They shook hands.

We had a jam session of "The Guitar (The Lion Sleeps Tonight)" back at the apartment. Ma-San agreed to haul her drum set upstairs, and Zowie remembered to bring his gitaroo. At the end, Kramer popped in to mooch off my fridge again. This time he wore a cape remarkably like Zowie's.  
"You must be Kramer. I heard a LOT about you!" said Zowie.  
"You must be 'Zoe'. I heard a lot about YOU."  
Ming-Ming popped out again.  
"Is that what I think it is?" she asked.  
Kramer looked behind, puzzled.  
"It's your invention!" Ming-Ming exclaimed.  
"Maybe. Kramer, what's that cape you're wearing?"  
"Oh. It's called the Hooded Raincape!"  
"The HOODED RAINCAPE? That's MY invention!" Zowie said in excitment, and pulled up the hood on his cape.  
Then I walked up, "Really? Oh my! Where'd you get that?"  
"Well they're a hot seller at Rudy's."  
At this point, MilkCan, Danny, and Dani took off. Zowie leaned forward.  
"You know what? I have fifteen boxes of them in a storage shed back on Planet Gitaroo. How about we go into busniess together?"  
"Giddyup!"  
"Good. I'll contact my old roommate, Violet. He's got the key to my shed."

I picked up the phone and dialed the Intergalactic Operator, and handed it to Zowie.  
"Hello? Get me Violet of Planet Gitaroo."  
"Hello this is Violet."  
"Violet. Zowie. Long time no speak?"  
"I guess so. What do you want?"  
"I found a client who can sell my Raincapes!"  
"Zowie, you think you can actually sell those s****d RAINCAPES?"  
"Yes, I can. You still got the key, right?"  
"Uh... yeah."  
"Well get ahold of those boxes and ship directly to Planet Earth."  
"Where on Earth?"  
"New York City. And make it express overnight shipping too. I need those Raincapes ASAP!"  
"I still doubt you, but all right."  
"One more thing, If you call back, ask for Thomas Fay. I'm calling from his phone."  
"Okay. Bye."  
Well, that's great. Now I'm a personal secretary for a visiting alien!

Zowie and I joined Kramer on a Downtown 1 train to 50th street. Next to the entrance to Mars 2112 was Rudy's. We all went inside. Zowie joined Kramer at the front desk while I perused the merchendise.  
Rudy was slightly tubby and had a mustashe.  
"Hey," Kramer said to him, "Remember this?"  
"Yeah," said Rudy, "The Hooded Raincape. One of our favorites. I wish we had some more in the stockroom."  
"I made them," said Zowie, leaning forward, "I have a storage shed full of them, in mint condition. Interested?"  
"Yeah."  
"They're shipping from another planet as we speak. I hope they get here in time."

I showed after them with a bunch of baby boy clothes.  
"A lady dropped those off a few days ago," Rudy explained, "She said her mother got those because she thought she was going to have a boy."  
"My girlfriend's currently expecting one. How much for this?"  
"I'm having a sale on baby clothes today. 20 bucks."  
"Deal! I'll take that, and the last raincape."  
"An extra 10."  
"Done!"

While the business duo went back up to the pad, I slipped crosstown to Egg-yolk's to give her the baby clothes. For some reason, she looked bewildered when I pulled them out of the bag.  
"So whaddya think?" I asked innocently.  
"Tom..." she said, "Those are the same clothes that Mom got me when she thought she was gonna have a boy."  
My jaw dropped. Egg-yolk was the "lady". Well, chances of getting a boy or a girl are always 50/50.

I rushed back to the pad to try on the raincape. I called Danny up for a witness.  
"You look great," he said, "I like how the hood covers almost of your forehead!"  
"You think so?"  
He nodded.  
The phone rang. I rushed over to pick it up.  
"Hello?"  
"Hi, Tom," said PaRappa's voice, "Sunny was at the hospitol earlier for an ultra sound. There's possibility of a boy."  
"Dog or flower?"  
"We don't know yet."  
"Well, I got a bagful of baby boy clothes at Egg-yolk's place. I'll send 'em over next time I drop by."  
"Thanks."  
"Gotta go. I'm waiting for an important call and I have to keep the line clear."  
I hung up. Indeed, there was another ring.  
"Hello?"  
"This is the Intergalactic Operator. I have a Violet of Planet Gitaroo on the line."  
"Okay. Just a moment," I said.  
I put down the phone and called Zowie over, the picked it up again.  
"Okay. Put him through," I said, passing the phone.

"Hello, Zowie?" said Violet's grumpy voice, "I put the key in. It won't turn."  
"Try giving it a wiggle and a shake."  
"I'll give that a try. Thanks."  
"I'm counting on you to send over those raincapes."  
Zowie passed the phone to me to hang it up.  
"Well, this is going to take a while!"

===  
COMMERCIAL BREAK

"Teriyaki Yoko?"  
"Hiya, Eggie!"  
She groaned, realizing she was on the phone with her mother, Babs.  
"So did Towm conseeve yet?" This is the 10th time she asked that.  
"Yes, uh... he conceived."  
"Eggie, you're gowna have a BAY-BEE! Could you beweieve that?"  
"Uh... Yeah, I can...believe it," Egg-yolk faked an intercom-buzzing noise with her antenne, "WHAT? Oh, I think that's Tom. I gotta go."  
Sure enough Babs brought it, and Egg-yolk was able to hang up. She let out a deep sigh.

Just then, I entered without prior reservation.  
"Hey, what a surprise! I just faked your arrival to get off the line with Babs!" she said.  
"Well thank goodness," I said, "I'm here to take the baby clothes."  
"Hmm? What for?"  
"Sunny got an ultrasound already. She might be having a boy!"  
"Oh yeah! That reminds me, I need an ultrasound soon."  
"How 'bout going to the hospital that Rammy works at?"  
There was a pause.  
"Oh, all right, hon. She IS my ex-guitarist. Might as well drop by and see how she's doing. By the way, what DOES she do?"  
"Breastfeed," Egg-yolk's pupils shrunk, "Well, she's not happy about it either."  
"How did she get a job like that? She was never in labor."  
"Oh... the hospital has their ways."

I grabbed the bag and jumped out the window. Using my ghost form, I landed safely and slid across to 6th avenue.  
At the subway station, I pulled out my cell phone and called PaRappa.  
"Hey, guy. I'm comin' over with the baby clothes. Where should I get off?"  
"Where are you now?" said PaRappa.  
"Uh..." I paused to look at a column with the name of the station, "42nd Street-Bryant Park."  
I waited for the dog to unfold his subway map.  
"Okay. You just gotta take the M to Hewes Street."  
"Thanks."  
At that moment, an M train came, and I got on with the bag.  
For some reason, they were out by the time I got to the door. So I just put the bag down on the stoop and jumped back on the subway.

Egg-yolk was at the front stoop of her building when I arrived. This time I decided to call a cab, which she agreed to. During the ride to the hospital, I started to smell what seems to be somebody's throw-up. I sniffed Egg-yolk's shoulder. Nope-that was her best perfume. I sniffed my armpit. Nope-fresh deodorant. Then the crack behind the seat that looks into the trunk. Yep. Who would throw up in a trunk?  
The cab pulled up beside the entrance.  
"Do you mind if I look in the trunk?" I said as we got out.  
"Go right ahead," said the driver.  
He pressed a button, and Egg-yolk pulled the trunk open, then called me over. I squealed "WOW!"

It

was

PHIL!

We pulled him out of the trunk, and as a punishment, drug him inside the hospital, and up to the secretary, who was reading a book.  
"Hi," I said, "We're here for an ultrasound. You see, she's pregnant."  
"Oh okay," the secretary did not look up, "Maternity ward, 5th floor."  
"Thanks..." I took a long pause, "I was born here."

THE 5TH FLOOR

We entered the ward and found Rammy in her position, waiting for her shift to start.  
"Oh. It's you guys," she muttered, "What happened now?"  
"She's pregnant. We're here for an ultrasound."  
Rammy was not happy about her ex-boss firing her down in favor of me.  
"Seriously, what do you see in that guy?"  
"He's cute," said Egg-yolk.  
Rammy was not amused. Then Phil's face started to redden due to lack of thirst  
"Okay. This guy needs a dose of something, STAT!" I pushed him towards Rammy, and followed Egg-yolk to a vacant room. Rammy knew exactly what do do with Phil.

"That's it right there," said a doctor at the ultrasound monitor, "That white dot hanging off the left side."  
Egg-yolk smiled and held my hand. She was excited about the whole thing.  
"When should I expect him, hon?" she asked.  
"In about nine months."  
"Nine months..." Egg-yolk said under her breath. Then the doctor took the transducer off her belly, and she rolled over the bed to hug me.  
We stood up to leave for the elevator. Phil was launched out a door and hit the opposite wall, this time more sober-looking. He had white stuff covering his mouth. I saw Rammy in the doorway, brushing her hands in that ol' job-well-done attitude.  
"EWW!" I said, "Sheep milk!"

We took a cab back to my pad. Phil was able to walk normally. I turned to the elevator doors, and saw Charles. But this time, he was outside the elevator, not in it. He was sitting against the wall, beneath the UP button, and nervously nibbling on a bar of chocolate.  
"What happened to you?" said Phil.  
"I got ambushed by something," he said, "I don't know what it is."  
I put my ear against the doors. I heard strange, but familiar, dance music coming from inside. Egg-yolk crossed her fingers as my finger shivered its way to the UP button. When the doors opened...

It was that dancing pantomime horse again!

We all ran up the stairs as the horse chased us with that annoying music. I quickly opened the apartment door, rushed inside, slammed it shut, and locked it.  
I looked through the peephole. That horse was standing there, waiting to run over us. Kramer's door opened from across the hall, and the horse danced in that direction. I quickly unlocked the door to let Kramer and Zowie in, and locked it again.  
"What was THAT?" asked Kramer.  
"I have NO idea," I replied.

The phone rang at that moment.  
"Hello?"  
"Intergalactic Operator. I have a Violet from Planet Gitaroo on the line."  
"Okay. Put him through," then called out, "'Zoe', It's for you!"  
Zowie came and took the phone, while Danny jumped up through the floor.  
"Hello, Zowie," said Violet on the other line, "The KEY WON'T TURN. I wiggled it, I shook it, NOTHING."  
"So you couldn't get the raincapes?"  
"I had to break it open with a rock."  
"Ugh...Oh well, I've been looking for an excuse to get a bigger storage shed anyway."  
"Okay. I sent them with overnight shipping. Your capes will be there by the end of the Earth week."

Zowie hung up the phone, and turned to see Phil over by Danny. He started to look bloated again.  
"Oh, no! Not you again!" whined Danny.  
"I thought we left you in Chicago!" said Zowie.

I heard my doorbell ring. Danny lurched for the door.  
"Who's that at the door?"  
"Danny, DON'T!"  
It was too late. He turned the lock and opened the door.

PANTOMIME HORSE AMBUSH!

I peeked out the door and heard a familiar cackle.  
"Hope you enjoyed your little present, Tom! TA TA!"  
NEWMAN!


	31. Chapter 26: Subway Senario

This is Teriyaki Yoko's third week pregnant. Her belly hasn't changed much since last time. With her dress/swimsuit on, she looks as if nothing's changed.

With that said, most of the gang were having breakfast at Monk's. Danny and Dani were visiting their grandpa in Cypress Hills (I don't think he'd be pleased if he found out they're half ghost). It was me, Lammy, Katy, and Ma-San, with Kramer and Zowie standing.  
"So guess where we got booked!" said Katy.  
"Where?"  
"Coney Island!" she high-fived with Lammy.  
"Coney Island? What a coincidence!" I said," I was thinking of going there today myself!"  
Indeed, I was wearing swim trunks and a wet-dry shirt.  
"AMAMAMAMA" said Ma-San (Then we'll see you there).  
"Kramer? 'Zoe'? Coney Island?" I said, turning to them.  
"No thanks," said Zowie, "We have to go to JFK Airport and pick up the raincapes."  
"I thought Violet said they would be in two weeks ago!"  
"Well, we were planning to go to the terminal, but then he called me and said the boxes got stuck in traffic, and that we had to wait an extra two weeks."  
"SPACE TRAFFIC?" I said, bewilderedly.  
"Mister," said Ming-Ming the cat, "You don't know space!"

We paid the bill and set out onto the street, toward the subway station at 110th and CPW  
"Kramer, you know how to get to Coney Island, right?" said Lammy.  
"Coney Island? You take the B or the F, and switch for the N at B'Way/Lafayette Street, or you can go over the bridge and catch the Q to Atlantic and Barclays Center, then get on the 2, 3, 4, or 5... but DON'T get on the G. See, that's very tempting, but you'd wind up on Church Avenue, then you gotta get on the R!"  
"Couldn't they just take the B or the D straight to Coney Island?" I interrupted.  
"Well yeah..."  
"How about JFK, Terminal 5?" said Zowie, "That's where the boxes are due."  
"That's easy," I explained, "You take an uptown E train from 42nd street, all the way to Sutphin Blvd in Queens, then switch for the AirTrain."

MilkCan, Zowie, Kramer, and I waited for a downtown train.  
"Got a MetroCard for the subway?" I said  
"Check."  
"Got AirTrain fare?"  
"How much is that?"  
"5 dollars to and from the Sutphin Blvd station. That's 10 dollars total."  
"Check."  
A C train finally came and we got on.

While the train was at 59th street, MilkCan ran across the platform to a waiting D train. Kramer was startled that I was still there.  
"Aren't you going to Coney Island?"  
"First I'm going to Egg-yolk. THEN Coney Island."  
"Oh, okay."

Eventually, we arrived at 42nd street, and we parted. Kramer and Zowie quickly scrambled for a spot on the uptown E train, while I walked the corridor toward the 7 train for Egg-yolk's place.

I flew up to her window, and saw her lying down on the bed, in her undies, rubbing her belly.  
"Hey. Uh... MilkCan's playing Coney Island today, and I was coincidentally thinking of going. Wanna tag along?"  
"Sure."  
She got up, took off her undies and put on her swimsuit, which, like I said before, looked a lot like her dress.

At the subway, we agreed to take a 6 down to Bleecker for a B, a D or an F. Surprisingly, the first local train that showed up was an old one from the early 1900's, and it was also 5 cars. Must be one of those nostalgia holiday runs!  
The train was empty-I wonder why no one else bothered to get on. At least we got a seat though.

==MilkCan==  
Lammy and Katy were sitting next to the doors, tuning their instruments, while Ma-San was drumming on the windowsill. That gave the other two an idea: a little impromptu concert right on the train.

However, a minute into the song, a conductor came out from his box.  
"Hey people. CAN IT!" he said.  
The band blushed, and they went back to tuning.

==Kramer and Zowie==  
Zowie was telling Kramer his story of how he got to know me and U-1. As soon as he was finished, Kramer started to eavesdrop on some other people on the train.  
"Did you hear about this horse, Skee Ball?" said one guy.  
"Yeah. He's something," said another, "I hear he's going to be on the next scheduled OTB race."  
"How much are you willing to bet?"  
"I dunno. 500 bucks."  
The train slowed to a stop at Jackson Heights station. Kramer was about to follow the two men to their OTB appointment, but as soon as he was about to step out, Zowie grabbed his coat and pulled him back to his seat.  
"Gambling is outlawed on Planet Gitaroo."  
"You can't even get a deck of cards?"  
"Not even a Joker."

==Me and Egg-yolk==  
The old train squeaked its way out of 23rd street, and we were still the only ones on the train. Just then, it started to slow down too soon. We couldn't be at 14th street yet, I thought. Then I looked out a window: it was stopping at the abandoned 18th street station!  
I gave Egg-yolk the elbow, and she looked out.  
"Oh, boy. THIS I gotta see!" I said  
"What about Coney Island?"  
"That can wait for me. Besides, I think the band is still in Manhattan."  
"Suit yourself."  
I stood up towards the opening doors.  
"All right then. I'm going to take some chances and step out. You know when to transfer right?"  
She nodded.  
"If I find a hidden passageway, I'm going to take it. It could be a shortcut."  
"Good luck!"  
I stepped out onto the dirty platform and the doors closed.

==MilkCan==  
"Lammy, look!" said Katy, pointing out the window.  
Their train was crossing the Manhattan Bridge.  
"I never saw this coming," said Lammy in awe.  
Ma-San shot herself with her finger.

==Me==  
The station was hot, dark, and dirty. I took a walk up and down the platform. During the third trip down, I saw a passage open up, just like I expected. I followed it down. There were a lot of turns and stairs. I came to a big open room with a tube-shaped tunnel on one wall. I saw a light in the tunnel that started to get bigger, and eventually it stopped in front of me: It was an OLDER Beach Pneumatic subway.  
I had no other option but to head inside. I took a seat, and I was on my way again.

==Kramer and Zowie==  
They paid their AirTrain fare and got on, just as the doors were closing. Again, they scrambled for a seat.

==Egg-yolk==  
Bleecker Street came, and she remembered to get off for the transfer. She went down that stairs and got on a waiting D train, and took the window seat.

==Me==  
The Pneumatic train stopped at a similar room with another passageway. I followed it up the stairs, to a bright light: BLEECKER STREET!  
The passageway behind me shrunk to the size of the blue tiles in the art exhibit. I rushed down the stairs, and saw the D train. I saw Egg-yolk by the window, waved hello, and shrugged. The train was already taking off. Oh well. I turned around me and saw an F train arrive, so I got on that one.

==Kramer and Zowie==  
The duo arrived at the terminal's baggage claim area.  
"You know what carousel the stuff will come in on?" asked Kramer.  
"I don't know. Let's just wait here until they say something about the incoming flight from the Cape."  
"The Cape?"  
"Cape Canaveral," he groaned.  
"You know, for an alien, you're not so patient!" Kramer uttered.

==MilkCan==  
On the B train, the conductor made an announcement.  
"Due to construction, this train will be making local stops from here to Kings Highway. The next stop is Parkside Avenue."  
Lammy gulped. She was afraid that all three band members were going to be late. She leaned toward Katy, who had a watch.  
"When are we due?"  
"About 3:00. It's 1:30 right now."  
Lammy sighed in relief, and looked out the window.

==Egg-yolk==  
The bug continued looking out her window. By the time it reached Atlantic Avenue, she saw two high school nerds get on, and immediately found a spot near her.  
Oh, why was I born with green skin, she thought.  
As the train took off again, the nerd sitting next to her started to fell asleep on her shoulder.  
"Ahem," she said.  
Then the nerd sitting behind her reached around and tried to grab her boobs.  
"Ahem," she said again, this time zapping him.  
"Woah!" said both nerds, "DIBS! DIBS! DIBS!"  
"Will you CAN IT?" she said, zapping both of them, "I have a boyfriend."  
"Ooooooo!"  
"And I'm three months PREGNANT!"  
Well, that didn't stop those nerds from chanting "DIBS!", but she had the nerve to get off the train at 36th street.

==Me==  
The F train came to a stop at Carrol Street. I forgot who lives near that stop, but then I saw them out on the platform: Rammy and her guys. They were all sporting wet-dry shirts, trunks, and bikinis. I ducked to avoid their eye contact, but it was too late. They got on near my area. I guess my squealing "WOW!" gave it away...  
"Where do you think you're goin, Village Boy?" said Rammy.  
The others went "Ooooooooooooo" tauntingly and somebody threw in a "Go, girl!"  
"Uh... Coney Island..." I stuttered.  
"Same here."  
"Ugghhhhhhhh..." I stood up and turned to her, "You're only going there because Lammy's going. Is that what I'm getting at?"  
Rammy turned to her mates and whispered. Then they all turned back to me and said "Yes," in unison.  
I groaned. I walked to the other end of the train car and pulled out my cell phone to call Lammy. But Rammy looked over and saw Lammy's name on the screen (I have her on my speed dial).  
"You wanna lose your soul?" she threatened.  
"Ooooooooooo!" said her buddies again.

==Kramer and Zowie==  
"Ladies and Gentleman, the cargo for Flight 103 from Cape Canaveral will appear on Carousel 3."  
That's where they were standing. The boxes containing the hooded raincapes were coming in at last. Zowie rubbed his hands together...  
But then their excitement dropped. The capes were there, but the carousel was a mess, and there was a good reason for that.  
"VIOLET!" he scolded, "He didn't tape them shut. He just folded the flaps and got rid of them!"  
So he and Kramer scrambled to get each and every cape and put them back in the boxes.

==Me and Rammy==  
The F train made its way along the Culver Elevated. By the time it reach the Kings Highway station, I came up with a plan to get rid of Rammy and her crew.  
"You know what? I'm gonna get off here and hail down a cab." I said out loud, walking to a door.  
As I expected, the others said "That's what I'm going to do too!" and stood up for a different door.  
The train came to a stop and the doors opened. I walked out the one door, and they did the same thing. Then I quickly slipped back in as the doors closed. I walked up a bit to see Rammy and her boys bewildered, confused, and double-crossed.  
"So long, ewe!" I shouted through an open window.  
Rammy shot me a middle finger again.  
I sat down again and pulled out my cell phone.

==MilkCan==  
"Hello? Hi, Tom," said Lammy (pause), "What? Really? Oh no! Okay, thanks."  
She fainted.  
"What happened?" asked Katy.  
"Rammy is coming."  
Katy gave her a hug.

==Egg-yolk==  
She managed to get a ride on an N train for Coney Island. It was a newer, cleaner model than the D train, but there were no window seats: they all faced away from the window. Bored, she started to fall asleep. The seats felt sorta slippery on Egg-yolk's swimsuit, and at one point, when the train hit a curve, she awakened to find herself sliding foward, almost falling over. The skirt part of her swimsuit flipped up, embarrassingly revealing her "swim panties" underneath. She blushed, flipped down the skirt, and decided it was safer to lean on a handrail.

==Kramer and Zowie==  
With the boxes PROPERLY shut, they took the elevator up to the passageway to the AirTrain. Midway, there was some police tape and a sign saying  
"Temporarly closed due to track work."  
So they turned around, back to the baggage claim, and went out at street level to hail a cab for Rudy's store. They were so lucky that there was light traffic. Everybody was still at work.

==Me==  
I was so happy that Rammy fell for that! I snickered to myself, and looked out the window.  
To my surprise, there was a cab following the elevated. I didn't have bonoculars or anything to zoom up close, but I assumed it was Rammy trying to play catch-up on me.

==Kramer and Zowie==  
The two finally made their way to Rudy's.  
"Okay," said Kramer, stacking the boxes on Rudy's desk, "Here's the raincapes!"  
"I changed my mind," interrupted Rudy, "I'm no longer buying stuff off the streets." "WHAT?" snapped Zowie, "Why?" "The last street guy brought in a box full of moths and ate up most of the stuff."  
As he spoke, two lonely moths came out of the storeroom and bit Rudy's shirt.  
"See what I mean?"  
"AARRRGGGGHHHH!" they said.  
They bought their new raincapes all the way here for nothing. The took the boxes and set out for another option.  
"Maybe we should try the place where Tom is going to."  
"Coney Island?"  
"Yep. Have you studied the map yet?"  
There was a long pause...  
"Let's get another cab," suggested Kramer.

==Coney Island==  
All our trains arrived at the same time: Me on the F, Egg-yolk on the N, and MilkCan on the B.  
We met at the turnstile. I was anxious to finally do some swimming, and grab some grub at Nathan's.  
While the band was rockin' it up over in the bandshell, I joined Egg-yolk on the boardwalk. Her chest was covered with fingerprints made up of mostly french fry grease, and one shoulder had cheap styling gel on it.  
"What happened to you?" I asked.  
"Let me put it this way..." Egg-yolk started, "It's not easy being green."  
"Deja vu..." I muttered.

Then we came across a photographer sitting next to a cardboard woman and a sign saying "Souviner Keychains-$5" Then I realized that the cardboard woman was the same one that Rammy's friend was standing next to during THEIR last visit to Coney Island, in Chapter 24.  
I was about to speak up, but two cabs arrived behind the photographer. One was Kramer and Zowie, with the boxes full of raincapes.  
"How did it go?" I asked.  
"Rudy got paranoid by a couple of moths from someone else's collection," explained Kramer.  
Then Zowie said "So now he won't accept them. We're moving to Plan B."  
They opened their boxes, Kramer took one out for show, and started chanting "Get your hooded raincapes!"

In the other cab, to my dismay, was Rammy and her guys. They all poured out like a bunch of James Cagney gangsters.  
"Well, if it isn't Baa-Baa-Black-Sheep!" I said sarcastically.  
"All right, Village boy!" yelled Rammy, "Where's the band?" I pointed in that direction without thinking. Thankfully, they just about finished up, so Rammy missed her chance to heckle them.

I ended up posing for a keychain picture, but as soon as the guy started counting, everybody I knew got in the show in front of me. There goes five bucks...


	32. Chapter 27: Off to Nashville

**NOTE: This is just pointless filler that I thought was a good idea at first. You can skip this if you want.**

My father has read some of the postcards I sent him throughout my adventures and is delighted I made it back to New York in one piece. However, I never told him of my ghost powers, or even my personal gitaroo. There are some things that should be kept from parents.

In the meantime, I got a letter from Nashville, asking me to perform on the Grand Old Opry. Naturally, I accepted. It felt good to get away from it all.

Danny and Dani, who were back from his grandpa, asked if they could tag along, and I said sure (I had two extra train tickets on me). We had lunch at a Chipotle, then got on the outbound Amtrack for Nashville.

"How was grandpa?" I asked when the train left the station.  
"He was fine," said Danny "I told him about my fame as a musician-thanks to you, and he's looking foward to meeting you."  
"Did you tell him about...uh...you know..."  
"I did, actually. He didn't take it well. He blamed it on Dad's obsession with ghosts. For the rest of the day, I heard him curse under his breath."  
"Was he suprised to meet your clone?"  
"Who? Me?" asked Dani.  
Danny nodded. "Yeah. He blamed it on Dad again. But Dad had nothing to do with Dani. I mean, it was a bad guy who created her!"  
"I see. Who did you say your grandpa looked like again?"  
"Jerry Stiller."  
"Okay."

Now the train was within the Kentucky boundries.  
"It's sorta chilly outside," exclaimed Danny, "What month is it?"  
"October."  
Then, after a while...  
"Hey, how's Teriyaki Yoko?"  
"Oh, she's been pregnant for like, three months now. She's been rubbing her belly a lot when she's laying down on the bed. I think she's looking foward to being a mother."  
"Does she have any experience?"  
"No, but I have. Back in Rodneytown, there was an incident that turned Lammy and Rammy into babies, and I got some experience out of that."  
"So what's Yoko going to do?"  
"Well, she was thinking of turning them back into babies, and I was thinking of getting her a Baby Born..."  
"And?"  
"She lost to me in rock-paper-scissors. I got her the Baby Born."

We all fell asleep for a while. Later, I felt a vibration from my iPod Touch(?). It was an Email from Egg-yolk. Danny woke up to take a look with me.  
"Now what's she up to?" he asked.  
"Well, I told her that there was more to fashion than that one dress that she always wears, so she decided to take action and go searching for new clothes. Looks like she took some pictures and wants me to decide which are the best ones."  
I scrolled through the five pictures she sent. Two of them looked good on her, but the other three? They just seemed so...unright for her image.  
In the first one, she was dressed up like a Woodstock-era hippie. I found it hard to imagine her in something like that, let alone a human/bug hybrid in general.  
In another one, she was in a grey dress with a large hole for her growing belly, and a sign that read "BABY ON BOARD". I have to remind her that she still has to wear the clothes she buys even after she gives birth.  
Then I found a picture of her wearing MY clothes. Why that little...

One phone vibration later, and she sent a picture of her in a new nightgown, and a pretty good nightgown too.

The train continued southward to Tennessee. We came up with plans on how we were going to present ourselves on the Grand Old Opry. We considered a revival of "The Danny Phantom Band", but we felt it wouldn't be the same without a drummer or Sam on electric guitar. So we scrapped that. Our final plan was to go out with me on guitars and banjos, and billing ourselves "Danny, Tom, and Dani."  
"Why 'Danny, Tom, and Dani'?" asked Dani.  
"It's like saying 'Peter, Paul, and Mary'." I explained, reminding them both of my folk roots.

And so we arrived in Nashville at dusk. At street level stood a guy dressed in black, in front of a limosine. The guy was holding a sign that read 'Thomas Fay'. 'He must be the driver the Grand Old Opry hired', I thought.

On the drive to the hotel, I took notice of a couple of junkyards with used cars for sale. I started thinking about getting a car of my own, maybe a vintage New York-loyal car, maybe like a Checker. Oh well-I'll keep dreaming.  
Speaking of nostalgia, that got me thinking, next time we're in Tennessee, we should visit Graceland.

And so we arrive at the hotel. Not an anthro in signet. Feels good to get away from all.  
When we got to our room, I turned on the TV. A movie on the Newport Folk Festival 1962-67 was playing. We all slouched on our beds watch. After all, Danny and Dani needed a bit of folk background before we started doing some classic folk tunes on the Opry tomorrow.

The next morning, we worked on our setlist. Danny bought with him a second guitar, but he knew he was better on piano. So I said he could just do the basic chords, while I handled the more sophisticated bits. We settled on "Come and Go With Me", "If I Had a Hammer", and of course "The Times They Are A-Changin'."

A limousine arrived just as we got out the main door. We all climbed in, and were taken to the Opry. We climbed onto the stage and played our songs. Everybody in the barn was dancing along to the little hootenanny we got going. All and all, it was a great show.

There wasn't really much to go on about what happened afterward. Basically, we just checked out and split back for New York. But what was really awesome about this little excursion was that we played the Grand Old Opry.


	33. Chapter 28: Happy Festivus!

This is Teriyaki Yoko's fifth month pregnant: December, just in time for the holidays. Her experience with the Baby Born I bought her two months ago might pay off when she finally gives birth.

At Monk's, Danny and I sat down at a table, and quickly eye all the holiday decorations along the walls.  
"I'm not a big fan of Christmas," said Danny as an icebreaker.  
"Hmm," I said, "I thought you would."  
More silence. Then Lammy and Rammy entered the scene, and sat next to us.  
"You seem to be in a good mood today, Lammy," I said.  
"My mom called. She's coming to stay with me for the holidays."  
"What does your Mom do these days?"  
"She's an uncredited studio musician."  
"You mean like Rammy?"  
Rammy pouted, but then blushed.  
"Actually...I was sort of like that when I met Teriyaki Yoko," she said.  
"Oh. Touche!" said Danny.  
"Uh...I don't think you're using that right," I said.  
Danny blushed.  
"Anyway," said Rammy, "My mother's coming out too."  
"Is she an evil twin?"  
"No. My mom met Lammy's once or twice. They don't look anything like each other."  
"Oh. Looking forward to meeting her!"

Next to come in was Dani, with a handful of mail. She didn't bother to sit.  
"You got this from your parents back in Cali," she said.  
Danny took a look.

Dear Danny,  
Happy Christmas!  
Hope you're not using your ghost powers for any mischief!  
We're thinking of coming over to see a slice of the Big Apple!  
Looking forward to seeing you and Dani,  
Jack and Maddie

P.S. Say hi to Grandpa for us!

"Woah!" I said, "Three exclamation marks!"  
Dani pulled out another letter.  
"Here's one from Grandpa."  
Danny opened that one, but quickly slammed it shut.  
"Oooooooo!" exclaimed Rammy, "More embarrasing Christmas mushy-mush?"  
Danny just said "Ummmmmmmmm..."  
"We'll see about THAT!" Rammy snatched the card and read it out loud, "'Dear Grandson (and clone), Happy Festivus'...? What the h**l is Festivus?"

THIS SHOULD BE OUR CUE TO LEAVE

We saved the 'Festivus' questioning for back at the apartment.  
"Grandpa is against the gigantic commercialism in Christmas, so he decided to create his own, anti-commercial holiday called Festivus. He uses a pole instead of a tree."  
At this point, I buzzed in Egg-yolk.  
"Dad used to celebrate Festivus with grandpa, but that all changed when he moved to California and married Mom. So that's why Christmas doesn't seem to 'do it' for me."  
"I feel exactly the same way," said Rammy, "Baaaa humbug!"  
I whispered into Lammy's ear, "Could you tell me why you let her in here? Now she knows where I live."  
Lammy whispered back, "I feel like I'm somewhat related to Rammy, but I don't know how."  
"I thought you said she isn't your sister."  
"Well, yeah, but..."

Egg-yolk entered with a new dress, but due to bad timing, Kramer burst right into her, and I had to catch her.  
"Hey, buddy!" he said to Danny, "Happy Festivus!"  
"How do YOU know Festivus?"  
"Well, I'm a friend of Grandpa Fenton!"  
Then Rammy started to leave, "I gotta get down to the hospital. My shift starts in a couple minutes."  
Lammy followed, "Me too!"  
I sighed in relief that Rammy was gone, then Egg-yolk grabbed my arm.  
"C'mon, hon. Let's go," she said quickly, "I'm due for an ultrasound."  
When we got to street level, we saw the two sheep get on a cab and ditched us. I opted to fly there via Ghost mode, but Egg-yolk reminded me of what happened in Chapter 23. So we took another cab.

When we got to the maternity ward, Lammy and Rammy were coming out with smiles on their faces.  
"What happened now?" asked Egg-yolk.  
"We've been deflated!" said Rammy.  
They pointed to their chests-they were back to being flat!  
"How?"  
"They found it sorta abnormal to have sheep working for them," said Lammy.  
"Well congratulations."

So then came the ultrasound. It was looking very human, but has not yet kicked or anything like that. We took cabs home.

As before, Lammy beat us. She was standing outside another cab with briefcases in her hands.  
"What's all this?" I queried.  
"Mom's here," said Lammy.  
Out of the cab stepped a tall woman with bushy red hair-bushier than MINE-and lots of hippie-era garb on. This was Lammy's mother.  
"Lammy! My baby!" she said gleefully, hugging her sheep-daughter, "You haven't changed a bit!"  
I must admit, Lammy's mom was less embarrassing that Egg-Yolk's mom.  
"So, what's new with you?" she asked.  
"Not much. Moved out, became a rock star, and here I am."  
"Has mean ol' Rammy been giving you a hard time?"  
"Not lately, we've been acting, well...sisterly...?" said Lammy.  
This was something I was still curious about. I was thinking to go down to Rammy's to see what she's been up to.

And go down to Rammy's I did. Her mother was already in and ready to go.  
"Hey Village Boy," said Rammy.  
"H-h-h-hi," I stuttered, "So this is your mother, huh?"  
Rammy's mother was in dark, sexy, reveling clothing, and smoking a cigarette.  
I knew I had to say something.  
"It's...easy to see where Rammy gets her good looks from."  
"Thanks, darlin'," said the mother.  
"Whaddaya think?" said Rammy, "She's a prostitute!"  
"A p-p-p-p-(gasp)-p-p-p-p-pros-titute?" I stuttered again.  
Rammy slapped me "Get used to it."  
"Way to tell him, darlin'." said Rammy's mom.  
Then I said "So...uh...Lammy's mother is in town also..."  
"Lammy? She lives in your building?" said Rammy's mother.  
"Yeah...so...uh...would it be so bad if I...uh...fixed you up to lunch with her sometime?"  
"Actually...that would be a good idea."  
Okay. Good to get that out of the way. I made a break for the subway, and was still nerved about Rammy's mother being a prostitute.

Their lunch happened the next day at Monk's. I stood outside and simply peeked in. From what I saw, they were doing all right. Might as well leave them be. Outside, it was finally beginning to snow as I walked down to the subway for Greenwich Village, with guitar in hand. The old Gaslight Cafe from the 60s announced its grand re-opening (at last!), and it was just like I seen in the pictures.  
I was instantly recognized by the management, and was called up to play a song. So I did. In the audience, I saw someone who I myself instantly recognized; She was up front, at right, with a portable audiocassette recorder and a notebook filled with original poetry. It was Sammy, a beat poet who used to go on after me. I dated her before I met Pameula: We broke up when she said she didn't want to "do it" with me. I never knew why.

When I finished my set, I went right to her table. Sammy was wearing a brown shirt with a coffee cup graphic on it, and a buret over her brown Lammy-like hair (She wore that all the time).  
"Sammy!" I said.  
"Tom?" she said.  
We exchanged "Yays" and hugged.  
"It's been a long time," said Sammy, "where've you been?"  
"Here, there, everywhere!" I said "I see you still got your buret."  
Sammy giggled, blushed, and looked up.  
"How's your poetry? Have you been getting anywhere with it?"  
"Yeah. It's getting better. I've been listening to Alan Ginsburgh for inspiration."  
"Oh! You have that four-disc box set? 'Holy Soul Jelly Roll'?"  
"That's the one!"  
I eyeballed the tape recorder. There was a Maxell UR tape in there.  
"What's on?" I asked.  
"Last week I improvised on a set. Now I'm writing down the best ones."  
Then the check came. She paid in change, as if this was a French place. Then we put on our coats and set out on the snow-covered town.

Sammy invited me over to her place, which I accepted. It felt good to catch up on old times...again. Maybe Sammy will finally take off that buret of hers.  
Sammy's place was over by the PATH station at Christopher Street. It was a small apartment with three rooms, including the bathroom, but we didn't mind. We were in the warm bedroom, sharing poetry. Then she moved closer.  
"So where HAVE you been?" she said.  
"Well, it's a long story..." I told her everything: The discovery that anthros exist, the first encounter with Egg-yolk, the time when I got my ghost powers, the sex act that got caught on tape, the supposed affair with Egg-yolk and Slim Guy, the late night Chicago parties, and the ambitious long term work on the 'Tommy' rock opera.  
"Gosh," said Sammy, "All that stuff you went through!"  
She hugged me. Then she said "I feel that now is a good time to show you something."  
I assumed that her 'something' would be related to whatever was under her buret, and I was right. She slowly pulled it off to reveal...ears and horns! Sammy was an anthro sheep! Right then and there, I knew she had to meet Lammy and/or Rammy. They could show her that she's not alone.

And so I took her up to my apartment where I found Lammy and Rammy on the couch watching a show. Sammy sat down between them, and looked at both of them.  
Then I broke the ice: "Where are your mothers?"  
"They left lunch early, and we haven't heard since," said Rammy.  
"Girls, this is Sammy. She's just like you."  
"Hi," said Lammy shyly.  
Maybe the mothers are at Rammy's place. I picked up the phone and called (Don't ask how I got the number), and I heard loud moaning and kissing.  
"Hello?" said a voice.  
"Hey, this is Tom, Lammy's friend."  
"Oh, heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy!" It was Lammy's mother, and she sounded drunk.  
"What ARE you doing down there?" I asked.  
"Stuff!" said Lammy's mother, laughing and moaning in the background.  
Then CLICK! She hung up.  
I bet Rammy's mother is a bi...

LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.

Then Danny and Kramer entered. Danny had his head down, while Kramer looked like he accomplished something.  
"What's going on here?" I asked.  
"I just spoke with Grandpa Fenton," said Kramer, "He's having his Festivus dinner on the 23rd, and he wants us ALL to be there!"  
"I thought Festivus was supposed to be a holiday that only my family is supposed to know about," complained Danny.  
Then Rammy said "So was that whole ghosty stuff you do."  
"Come on, Danny," I said, "Sharing Festivus can't be THAT bad as the whole ghost mawskerodd phase!"  
"Masquerade" corrected Danny.  
Whatever.  
Then Danny took a moment of silence, "I think you're right!" He cheered up a little.  
There we go. I gave him a pat on the back. He left, followed by Kramer.  
"Should I call the others about the Festivus dinner?" I asked.  
"Nah, that's already taken care of!" Kramer closed the door.

Lammy, Rammy, and Sammy stayed as I ordered Mexican take-out. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Burritos...

For some reason or another, they spent the night with me. Then over breakfast the next morning, I thought of something. It could be the reason why Lammy and Rammy are somehow acting sisterly to each other, and why Sammy looks exactly like the other two (save for the hair color).  
"I thought of something! Girls, were your fathers all sheep?"  
They nodded.  
Lammy explained "Over in California, the animals they use as cross-breeding subjects are number coded. I think my father's code was 8311."  
Rammy piped in "So was mine!"  
Then Sammy said "Really? Mine too!"  
"Don't you realize what this means?" I said, "You all have the same father, but different mothers! You girls are all TWIN STEP-SISTERS!"  
There was a pause, followed by a moment of realization, and then a moment of rejoycing.  
"And that could mean," I continued, "That there could be more of you somewhere else in the world!"  
"I only know one," said Sammy, "Her name's Pammy, and she plays pipe organ at the church downtown."  
"All right!" I clapped my hands and head for the door, "Let's go!"  
"What for?" she asked.  
"I'm gonna invite her to the festivus dinner!"  
"But Tom, you don't even know her!"  
"Ah what's the difference? If there's one thing I like, it's seeing a bunch of doppelgangers socializing in the same room!"  
Sammy accepted the reason, and followed me down to a waiting subway train.

After making only one transfer from the C to the 2 at Chambers Street, we arrived at the church. The place was almost deserted: We missed the mass. A few people were sitting up front to pray and stuff. We turned around to see a huge pipe organ above the doors. Seated before the organ's keyboard was Pammy, rehearsing next week's set.  
"Hey, Pammy!" said Sammy.  
Pammy turned around and saw her step-sister waving at her.  
"Samantha! I'll be right down."  
Pammy walked out of view, but we could hear her footsteps from where we were standing.  
I saw Sammy blush. She never liked people calling her by her full name.

Pammy appeared through the doors beneath the organ. Her color was periwinkle (A very bright purple color), and her shirt graphic was a cross. Just the wardrobe alone made her look like an angel.  
Sammy introduced me to Pammy, and she gave me one of those communion cracker-thingies.  
Out of all the Lammies I've met so far, Pammy was by far the quietest. She mostly giggled, blushed, and/or pouted. The church hired her as an organ player because they saw her sheep atributes as a blessing (You know, "Lamb of God" and all that stuff).

I accompanied Pammy and Sammy on the 1 train uptown: Pammy wanted to hang at Sammy's place like they always do. I was going back to my place.  
"A friend of mine is planning a dinner. You wanna come?" I asked.  
"Is it a Christmas dinner?" asked Pammy.  
"Well, it's...uh...an alternative to a Christmas dinner, from what I've heard, without all the commercialism."  
"Uh-huh?" Pammy sounded interested.  
"It's called Festivus."  
Pammy's interest rose. She always wanted to go to a Christmas-time dinner with no commercialism interfering with it.  
"I'll go!" she said gleefully.  
Whew. I never knew how to talk to a religious person without offending them. Good thing that was out of the way.

NOW WHERE WAS I? OH YEAH!

And so December 23rd came. At Grandpa Fenton's place in Cypress Hills, everybody who said they were gonna be there was there. The four Lammies, Me, Egg-yolk, PaRappa, Sunny, Paula Fox, Danny and Dani, Lammy's and Rammy's moms, Danny's parents, Katy, and Ma-San. Everybody was talking to each other about all their interests, while Grandpa Fenton (delighted to meet me for the first time) showed off the Festivus pole to those who were interested. True to Danny's word, he sure looked like Jerry Stiller.  
"It's made of aluminum-no decorations. I find tinsel distracting," he explained, "Many years ago, when Danny was a younger kid, I went shopping for a present. I stumpled upon a Pokemon doll, but it was the last one in the store, and I lost it to a video game enthusiest. But then, out of the blue, a new holiday came about: A Festivus for the REST OF US!"  
We applauded. Especially Pammy.

Then came a DING-DONG from the door and in entered Sam (from Amity Park), who gave Danny a hug.  
Another DING-DONG, and it was Wayne and Garth, followed by all the music executives I've met: Jack Smash, Mr. Jay, Graham Cracker, and-to my dismay-Slim Guy.  
"How many people are here?" bellowed Grandpa Fenton, "Somebody get more chairs!"

Then the door burst open, and it was KRAMER!  
"Hey, everybody! Happy Festivus!" he said cheerfully, "Tom, look who came along!"  
It was Sly, Murray, and Bentley.  
"SLY!" I said, "How did you find us?"  
"We were in town and wanted to stop by at your building and say 'Hi', then we ran into your neighbor here," Sly explained.  
"I told them I was on my way to see you," said Kramer, "It's a Festivus MIRACLE!"  
Grandpa Fenton pulled Kramer aside "Do you think it's wise to invite robbers to a dinner?"  
"Relax. They only rob from other criminals!" assured Kramer.

Then everyone took their seats, with Grandpa Fenton up front.  
"Now," he said, "If that's the last of you, we will begin..."  
DING-DONG.  
"Who could that be?" I said.  
"HIYA, EGGIE!" said an unfortunately familiar voice.  
It was Babs, Egg-yolk's mom. The bug blushed about hearing her in front of millions of humans and anthros alike. Fortunately, the only available seats were in the far end (We were near the front).  
"Another Festivus MIRACLE!" said Kramer.

Grandpa tried again with his intro, but then, another DING-DONG. This time, he went to answer the door.  
"Yes?"  
"INTERPOL."  
'Uh-oh,' I thought, and started to sink beneath the table, as did Sly and his crew.  
Some agents entered the house.  
"Which one of you is Thomas Fay?"  
I nervously raised my hand.  
"We have somebody here you see you. Maybe you recognize her..."  
In stepped Carmelita Fox, the inspector who I insulted at that party in Chapter 15.5. I completely forgot about her!  
"WOW!" I squealed, "How did you know I was here?"  
"A man called Kramer," she said furiously.  
"Yet another Festivus MIRACLE!"  
"Hold it, lady," interrupted Grandpa, "What are the charges?"  
"Insulting me at a Chicago party," she said with her no-nonsense Spanish accent, "and being involved with COOPER," pointing to the raccoon.  
"Listen, missy," said Grandpa, "Insulting an officer, police or INTERPOL, is not a crime where I come from, so why don't you drop your gun and Tom's charges."  
"How about I shoot you first and then take Tom and Sly to the judge?"  
Grandpa was not keen about that.  
"YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?" he yelled, "YOU GOT IT!"  
Then Danny shot up and zipped between them, exclaiming "HOLD IT! There's gonna be no fighting or shooting or arresting in this household," Danny's father was silently cheering him on, "and besides, this is supposed to be a happy occasion. So why don't we put our differences aside, and sit down."  
Carmelita put down her gun, and made her way down to the last available seat. The other INTERPOL agents left to get coffee.  
"So Carmelita," flirted Sly, "Are we good now?" But all he got was the middle finger, from Carmelita AND Rammy.

And so the dinner began.  
"Welcome, newcomers," Grandpa started, "The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances," Then he started bellowing again, "I GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE! And now, you're gonna hear about it!"  
"Jack and Maddie," he said to Danny's parents, "My grandson tells me your ghost exterminating business STINKS!"  
Danny groaned. Rammy chuckled.  
"Quiet, Rammy. You'll get your's in a moment," said Grandpa, then back to the parents, "Have you realized what your equipment did to your SON? Did you know that there was no ghost fiasco before YOU came along? I bet you couldn't catch a ghost on your OWN!"  
Danny's dad felt torn, then he said "Yes, that is true."  
Then he turned to Rammy "Rammy: Pammy says that hatred is a DEADLY SIN!" Pammy withdrew a Bible and winked, "Starting tomorrow, you are sentenced to eternity to apologize to EVERYONE!"

Now it was my turn.  
"Barbara Yoko, your daughter says you're the most annoying woman she KNOWS! We all know it was YOUR idea that she should have a baby with me, and not hers."  
"Carmelita, you're OBSESSED with your duties! You shouldn't be arresting people who break even the slightest mistake POSSIBLE! Sly is a MASTER thief. A GOOD theif. You know, like Robin Hood (whoever HE was). It's the THIEF thief you're after. So now I want the two of you to forgive and forget...and that goes for me too."  
"Slim Guy, you're a DIRTY ROTTEN PERVERT! Me and Egg-Yolk are indeed dating. We met before we met you. You've got to get in your head that she is already taken. So get off your lazy seat and FIND SOMEONE ELSE!"

Then Grandpa Fenton spoke again.  
"And last, but not least, Tom..." There was a long pause, "WHY WASN'T I INTRODUCED TO YOU SOONER?"  
I shrugged.  
"If anyone has something to say but doesn't have the guts to say it, write it down on a slip of paper and pass them around."

So after the filling meal, everybody was about to call it quits and prepare to leave, but they were stopped by Grandpa.  
"And now it's time for the Festivus Feats of Strength. I need a volunteer. Carmelita?"  
"You wanna be turned in for sexual assult?" she snapped.  
"Kramer?"  
He stuttered gibberish.  
"Very well. Slim guy?"  
I interrupted, "I don't we should get Slim involved in this any more."  
Then Slim suggested "How about Tom?"  
I stuttered.  
"Until you pin me, Tom, Festivus is not over," More bellowing , "LET'S RUMBLE!"

"I think you can take him, hon!" said Egg-yolk.  
"Give him the works!" chanted Carmelita.  
"Go ghost!" said Danny.  
"Shut up!" said Rammy  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH" I yelled.  
"THIS IS THE BEST FESTIVUS EVER!" said Grandpa.


	34. Chapter 29: And so Life Goes On

A lot has happened after the Festivus night. Carmelita finally admitted that Sly Cooper was a good guy after all, even though he's on the other side of the law, so she took him back. I also earned her good side as well, and she became a frequent visitor to my apartment. The lease on U-1's apartment was up, so he decided to move back to Chicago with Wayne and Garth, who also had an expired lease on the abandoned subway station. Rammy had to make amends to everyone in the city she offended. If you ask me, that's a lot. She hasn't apologized to me yet, but I'm still standing by. Everyone's parents went back home and left us to it once again. And of course, my protege Teriyaki Yoko is still coming along with her pregnancy.

 **January (Month 6)**

I was in the apartment with Sammy, the coffee-house Lammy. She played me her ad-libbed poetry on that tape I saw last month.  
Enter Kramer and Egg-yolk. Kramer went right for the fridge.  
"Hey," I said, "What's shakin'?"  
"Kramer has volunteered to take photographs for my next album cover," said Egg-yolk.  
"Kramer's a photographer?"  
"Yeah. You should see his setup, hon!"  
Kramer pulled out a cookie, "I got lights, camera, and PLENTY of action!"

Sammy's poetry tape continued to play on the stereo.  
"What's that?" asked Egg-yolk.  
"It's Sammy's poetry. She's a beat poet," I explained.  
"You should get that published!" said Kramer, "How about sending that tape to Tom's label? I'll take a picture!"  
Sammy turned to me, "Well?"  
"If Egg-yolk says he's good, then go for it."  
"Giddyup!" exclaimed Kramer, "Let me finish developing those pictures of Miss Yoko, and then we'll get started."  
Sammy followed Kramer into his apartment.

Then BUZZ went the intercom.  
"Yeah?"  
"Hola." It was Carmelita.  
"C'mon up."  
She did. She seemed desperate. Around this time, Sammy and Kramer finished their photo shoot.  
"Well that was quick!" I remarked to the three of them.  
"I need a foto de mÌ for a belated AÒo Nuevo card. You know any..."  
We all said "Kramer."  
"Gracias."  
Kramer escorted Carmelita into his world.  
"Do I sense a Latina accent?" he said.  
"Well, I'm from Spain."  
"Hmm... Close enough."  
The door slammed behind the two and locked.

Then after a lengthy phone call with someone official, I sat down on the couch with Sammy.  
"What was that all about?" she asked.  
"I got a gig at the Beekman Theater tonight!" I paused. I felt a moment of realization, "...Wait. What if Rammy shows up and badmouths me? She still hasn't apologized to me yet!"  
"You know what I'd do?" said Sammy, "I'd pull a Bob Dylan."  
I knew exactly where she was going.

 _ **EDUTAINMENT**_  
It's 1966. Bob Dylan was on tour, at a time when he was transitioning from acoustic to electric. Nobody liked the move. One night at Manchester, a guy in the audience called him a Judas, and he responded with a blazing loud rendition of 'Like a Rolling Stone', leaving the audience so stunned, that all they could do was applaud.

I went to get my guitar from my bedroom, then I thought of something else: If I want to do something as epic as what Dylan, I might as well bring my gitaroo. So I did. On my way to the front door, I saw Egg-yolk on the couch...lying down...again.  
"Again with the lying down?" I asked.  
"The doctor says it's good for me to rest a lot," she explained.  
"All this for a baby?"  
"Yep."  
I stepped into the hallway and knocked on Kramer's door.  
"Carmelita, I'm leaving!"

Later that night at the Beekman, the house was packed. The Thomas Fay Orchestra was very well-recieved by the audience. I was about to start the last song for the night, 'Hey Jude', when all of the sudden, I heard someone in the audience boo and hiss. As I suspected, it was Rammy.  
"IS THAT ALL YOU GOT, VILLAGE BOY?" she yelled.

I spoke calmly into the microphone, "No, there's more."  
"WHATEVER. YOU STILL SUCK!"  
"I don't believe you."  
Suddenly, the audience knew where this was going.  
"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? YOU'RE A JUDAS!" said Rammy.  
Well that was it.  
"You're a LIAR!" I said.  
The audience applauded. I pulled my gitaroo from in front of Ma-San's drum kit, and we launched into 'Like a Rolling Stone'. Just like in '66, Rammy and everyone else was stunned by my crowning moment of awesome. The place erupted with applause.  
A quick "Thank you" into the microphone, and I was out.

The next morning, I got Carmelita's New Year card in the mail. It looked very professional, true to Kramer's word. I was just about to open it up when there was a knock on the door.

It was Rammy. She has a tear in her eye.  
"That...was...AWESOME!" she said.  
She leaned forward and hugged me.  
Here was an awkward pause.  
Then Rammy broke the ice "I totally owe you for that."  
"An apology?" I asked.  
"Yeah. That's it," Rammy broke free of her hug. This is one of the few times I saw her happy. Not the usual mean happy, but HAPPY happy.  
"I feel like I owe you something too," I said.  
"What is it?"  
We walked toward my bedroom door.  
"Remember when I bailed out on you in Chapter Two?"  
"Yeah?"  
"I'd like to make up for that."  
And so 'make up' we did. Don't worry-one of us used protection.

Then we went back to the kitchen counter near the front door.  
"Did you see Carmelita's card yet?" I asked.  
"No. Lemmie see that," Rammy took the card from the counter.  
BUZZZZZZZZ!  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah."  
"Yeah." I held down the DOOR button, "Egg-yolk."  
"Who took this picture again?" asked Rammy.  
"Kramer."  
"I don't know if it's him or Carmelita who came up with this idea."  
"What're you talking about?" I took the card and looked closely at the picture, "I don't see anything wrong."  
Then the door knocked. Sounded like two hands instead of one. I looked through the peep hole in the door. It was Egg-yolk and Carmelita. She must've caught the door as it was closing.

I opened the door to let them in.  
"Hey," I said to Carmelita, "I got your card."  
"And I got my picture!" interrupted Egg-yolk.  
She showed it to me. It was good as Carmelita's.  
"Rammy spotted something in the card. I couldn't make out what it was." I gave the card to Carmelita.  
Egg-yolk leaned over and made a confused face, but Carmelita just gasped. She knew what the problem was.  
"AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" she squeaked, "Esa es mi pezÛn!"  
We all had question marks over our heads. None of us remember the last time we spoke Spanish.  
Carmelita saw this and corrected herself, "That's my NIPPLE!"

At this point, Kramer showed up behind her.  
"Hey, buddy!" he said, "How'd you like the card?"  
Carmelita turned around and gave Kramer a sour face. She shoved the card into his hands.  
"See for yourself, pervert!" she said.  
Kramer looked at the picture, and jittered with shock.  
"Well how about that?" he said curiously, "Should've used Photoshop."  
"Don't you see what you've done?" said Carmelita, "You've ruined my reputation! I've sent those cards to everyone I know. The guys down at the local INTERPOL office, The United Nations' Spain mission, Sly Cooper...and Neyla!"

I took the card from Kramer and looked again. Now that somebody brought it up, I could see some sort of lump through Carmelita's shirt in the picture, right where somebody's nipple would be.  
I also scanned Egg-yolk's picture. Curiously, there was nothing obscene showing.

Wait...'Neyla'?  
"Who's Neyla?" asked Rammy  
Carmelita was happy someone changed the subject.  
"She was my collegue at INTERPOL until she switched to the bad side."  
"How far did she get?"  
"Captain. Then she disappeared in favor of transcendental meditation. Now she's back, and we're good now."

I gave Carmelita a hug and a pat on the back.  
Now Sammy came in. She was feeling glum.  
"I didn't get accepted to DeviantART."  
It couldn't be her picture. It must've been her poetry. I have her a hug also. She'll land a spot somewhere...

 **February (Month 7)**

One night I played Scrabble with Carmelita. Sammy was on the couch playing one of my PlayStation games with Egg-yolk. I let Sly, Murray, and Bentley use my apartment as their temporary safehouse. They were over by the windows planning another heist on somebody.

I started to feel sort of concerned, because Carmelita was as beautiful (and sexy) as Egg-yolk, and I'm afraid that one of them might get jealous at the other.  
"Are you sure you're fine by me hanging with Carmelita?" I asked Egg-yolk.  
"You earned her good side. I'll give you that," she said.  
"Because I've put a lot of thought into this-PLAY: Triple word score-We don't have to be a boyfriend/girlfriend couple. We could be a mentor/protege couple. You were a failure before I came along, right?"  
"Yeah. And?"  
"Then I started hanging around with you, right?"  
"Right."  
"And then your records became hits because of that."  
"You think I could be your next protege?" asked Carmelita, "HUG: Double letter score."  
"Let me know when you take a wrong move and lose your boyfriend and prestigious job title...wait! Pretend I didn't say 'boyfriend'!"  
Carmelita giggled. Sly turned gave me an annoyed-looking face.  
There was a long pause.  
"Okay, back to our game."

"I can't think of anything. I don't seem to have any good letters," said Carmelita.  
Then Kramer entered.  
"Kramer!" Carmelita called, "A little help here?"  
He looked down on Carmelita's letter rack, and then onto the board. Then he whispered something into her fox ear.  
"Oh, come on. You're LETTING him help you?" She ignored me and put some letters down, "QUONE? THAT'S your word?"  
Carmelita was satisfied and counted her points in Spanish.  
"I'm afraid...I'm gonna have to challenge," I pulled out a dictionary.  
"No," said Kramer, "You don't need to challenge! 'Quone!' That's a definite word!"  
Then Bentley piped up "'Quone' is not a word."  
Kramer was not convinced, "'Quone!' To...quone something!" he insisted.  
I turned to where 'quone' would be in the dictionary, and I showed the page to Carmelita and Kramer.  
"Sorry. Not a word. Take it off."  
Kramer was flabbergasted. Carmelita gave him a sour face (again).  
"Look. We need a MEDICAL dictionary! When a patient gets difficult, you QUONE him!"  
I sighed and looked down at the board. It was almost full at this point. I called it quits on Scrabble. Carmelita, Sammy, and Egg-yolk decided to call it a night and went home.

Kramer went over to Sly's table.  
"Whatcha up to?" he asked.  
"We're planning to rob this guy who lives across the street," explained Bentley, "Our recon photos show that he's got a page of Sly's Thievus Racconus."  
"Why don't you just go in there and get the page?"  
"It's more complex than that," said Sly, "We can't just barge in there like that, our faces are on WANTED posters everywhere! He's liable to recognize us."  
"I know what you can do," said Kramer, "You can stop leaving behind those raccoon-shaped card-thingies of yours!"  
"You mean calling cards."  
Kramer nodded, "If you're a criminal, you want to stay AWAY from the cops instead of inviting them to arrest you!"  
Sly took some thought about this, then whispered to his mates "What do you say guys? Should we ditch the cards?"  
"How many do we have left?" asked Murray.  
"They're in the van," said Bentley, "but we'll worry about them later. Let's get back to our plan..."  
"I got an idea!" interrupted Kramer.

MEANWHILE

In the building across the street, the criminal sat by his dinner table, trying to figure out how to read that Thievus Racconus page. Then there was a loud knocking on the door.  
"POLICE! OPEN UP!" yelled someone.  
The guy gulped, but yet puzzled. He didn't know any authorities who knew where he lived. So he walked to the door and opened it.  
In stepped Kramer in a coat and hat that made him feel like a character on Dragnet.  
"FREEZE, BUSTER!" yelled Kramer.  
He pinned the guy to a wall and turned his head in the direction of the door.  
"You're in big trouble, son," said Kramer, "Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods...and MURDER!"  
The guy looked all puzzled. He never done any of those things. Possession of stolen goods, maybe, but not anything else.  
"Hey, I think you got the wrong man," the guy protested.  
"Is your name (insert name here)?"  
"Yes."  
"Yeah. YOU'RE THE PUNK I'M LOOKING FOR!"  
Kramer looked around the room for a torn and tattered diary page, and found the right one on the table. He quickly folded it and slipped it into his coat pocket.  
"Today is your lucky day, fella, 'cause I'm letting you off with just a warning! One more wrong move and you're gonna be SORRY. You HEAR ME?"  
The guy still had his body against the wall as Kramer made his exit.  
"I don't know what you're talking about!" said the punk.  
Kramer broke character for a moment, "Good. Let's keep it that way."

A few minutes later, Kramer arrived back at my apartment with Sly's missing page.  
"Here it is!" he said proudly.  
There was a moment of rejoycement from the Cooper Gang.  
"Kramer," said Sly, "You did very good out there. We saw the whole thing unfold from our Bionocu-coms. After much consideration, we've decided to make you an honorary member of the Cooper gang. What do you say?"  
"Giddyup!"

 **March (Month 8)**

This month marked a couple of firsts for me: First off, I got to see Carmelita's loft. Also, I got to meet Neyla for the first time-She said over the phone that she was coming in and wanted to sleep at Carmelita's.

Carmelita's loft was located in the heart of Chelsea, somewhere on 10th avenue and the 20's. Nearby was the HighLine, an abandoned elevated train line that was converted into a greenway. In preparing fir Neyla's arrival, I had to help Carmelita tidy up the place, and that included coating the furniture with perfume. I wonder if she knows of Kramer's beach cologne…

Then the buzzer sounded.  
"Hola?" said Carmelita.  
"It's me!" That was Neyla, with a cockney accent.  
She buzzed her in. After a few seconds, Neyla was at the door. She wore a red jewel on her forehead, a blue shirt, brown jean-shorts. You know, female safari wear. But I should also mention… she was a purple-furred tiger.  
I was at the door when she showed up. She recognized me instantly.  
"You must be Thomas Fay of Greenwich Village!" she said with her cockney accent. She must've followed me since the beginning.  
"Ah, and you must be Neyla," I said, shaking hand-and-paw.  
Then she focused her attention to Carmelita, but this shocked me: Neyla kissed her, full on the LIPS…with her TOUNGE! And what's worse, Carmelita was blushing with happiness.

Carmelita and the Amazing Technicolor Tiger. Inside, I was squealing "WOW!"

I told my discovery to Sly at Monk's the next day.  
"I should've known," said Sly, "From what I've heard, Chelsea is a LGBT community."  
"You think Carmelita's bisexual?"  
"She's got to be. Carmelita blushed with happiness when I kissed her during our time together. But Neyla… I've never seen her kiss a guy."

A few days later, back at the apartment, Egg-yolk showed me and Sly a picture of her most recent ultrasound. It looked human, albeit with antennas.  
"There she is!" she marveled.  
"One more month to go," I said.  
Then Danny entered, "What's all this again?"  
"Egg-yolk's gonna have her baby," I recapped.  
"And then what?" asked Sly.  
We looked at each other and shrugged.  
"So..." Sly broke the ice again, "Neyla's a lesbian."  
"I thought there was something suspicious about her," said Egg-yolk.  
"Well, what can you do? If she's fine with it, let her live with it," Danny declared.

Then came a banging from the hallway.  
"Kramer? KRAMER?!"  
I opened my door to find Carmelita banging on Kramer's locked door.  
"Abre! ABRE! Abre, Kramer, I know you're in there!" She was furious.  
"Woah! Carmelita? Why are you suddenly mad at Kramer?"  
"You wanna know?" she said, "First, he takes a revealing foto de mi. Then he tells me about some stupid nonsense word. And now he's taken NEYLA from me!"  
"She stole your girlfriend?" asked Sly.  
"Yes," she started to sweat with fury, "She's in LOVE with him!"  
"Well I haven't seen him lately, so I guess he's out," I said.  
Carmelita nodded and stormed out of sight.

Then I heard the phone ring.  
"Hello?" I answered.  
"Is she gone yet?" Kramer's voice was on the other line.  
"Yeah."  
He hung up and came across to my side.  
"So you and Neyla, huh?" said Sly.  
"I don't know. I didn't do anything! I was on the High Line, you know, near Carmelita's loft, and I was practicing tango with an old department store mannequin…"  
"You're taking up tango?" I queried.  
"Well Sly does it!" Sly rolled his eyes, "Anyway, Neyla comes up to me, sees what I'm doing, and...she's a tango expert! She offered to help me on my technique, and something happened between us, but she's a tango expert, Tom!"  
"Woah," I said.  
"So I'm gonna have dinner with her tonight at Pershing Square. Her treat. You know where that is, don't you?"  
"Yeah," I said, "It's on 42nd street, under Park Avenue, across from the main entrance to Grand Central."  
"Wait. I don't get it," said Egg-yolk, "This tiger has never been with a man her entire LIFE."  
Kramer simply said "I'm Kramer."  
After Kramer left, Danny quipped "He's Tommy! 'The few I touch now are decibels'. He's put Neyla under his spell!"

And after that date, Neyla disappeared… again. Carmelita wishes her good riddance for cheating on her, and she's back with Sly again.


	35. Chapter 30: The End

"Come on! Let's do this!" I shouted like a drill sergeant, "Inhale! Exhale! Uphale! Downhale! Lefthale! Righthale! Hale and Harty!" I smelled something in the air, "Somebody's cooking kale!"  
On my couch, again, was Teriyaki Yoko. There was a blanket covering her lower half. Lammy had her head under the blanket also.  
Egg-yolk started breathing heavily. This was a good sign.  
"Okay, Lammy," I said, "Go for it!"  
Lammy dipped her hands into the blanket. She got a hold of something, and started to pull it out.

It was... It was...  
...a basketball.  
I really had you there, didn't I? To be honest, we're busy prepping up Egg-yolk, because her baby is due this month.

Egg-yolk took the blanket off and stood up.  
"Very good," I said, "Now you know what kind of noises you'll expect to make!"  
In stepped Kramer, "Hey, people! Whatcha up to?"  
"In a few days, Tom and I are gonna have a daughter," said Egg-yolk.  
"Oooo! Can I be her godfather?"  
"Go for it," I said to Egg-yolk, "It's an offer you can't deny!"  
"Okay, Hon."

While Lammy and Egg-yolk left the apartment, Kramer tapped a lone bandage on his arm, and jittered.  
"Did you give blood?" I queried.  
"No. I'm hoarding it," He said, "See, I have an account at the local blood bank. If something happens to me, I don't back off until it's finished."  
"Are we finished?"  
"Done!"

I couldn't let this continue: I had to get Kramer a job. So I took him downtown to Midtown to find some worthy businesses for him. We passed an alleyway when I heard gunshots. I saw Sly's van parked on the curb, so we could only assume he was involved. We peeked down the alley to find Sly and Murray with a street tough. Sly retreated toward us.  
"What's goin' on?" said Kramer.  
"These street toughs robbed a nearby bank and we got them cornered. But now we're trying to bring him down, or at least disarmed, so he's ready for the police to take him in," explained Sly.  
"What can we do to help?" I asked.  
"Hang on a sec." Sly scrambled his way into the van to speak with Bentley for a plan, then stepped out.  
"Okay. Bentley says I should lure the guy out into the open. What you can do is stick your foot out for him to tip over."  
Sounds like a reasonable plan. Kramer was all for it, being an honorary member of Sly's gang. So we assumed positions.

I stuck my foot out at the right moment. The thug fell over. Murray jumped on the guy to keep him down, while Sly reached for the gun in the guy's hand. But he was too late. The gun fired in my direction, and the bullet hit my neck. I squealed "WOW!" and fell down hard onto the sidewalk, unable to breathe.

I woke up. I was in a hospital. I could tell by the white walls and the wooden door. Sitting on a chair next to me was Egg-yolk.  
"Tom?" she said "There's something I wanna tell you..."  
She stood up, and placed her hands on the top of her belly and pressed down. I was in a shock when I saw that Egg-yolk was never pregnant all along, because out from the bottom of her red dress came a basketball.  
I screamed, and I fainted.

FOOLED YOU! THAT WAS JUST A DREAM!

I woke up. I was in a hospital. I could tell by the white walls and the wooden door. Sitting on a chair next to me was Egg-yolk.  
"Tom?" she said, "Are you all right?"  
I shot my hand from under the hospital bed quilt, and felt her belly. I quietly sang a few notes from "Blowin' in the Wind", and I felt a bump from underneath her dress.  
'PHEW!' I thought.  
"I just wanna tell you that PaRappa and Sunny had their baby," said Egg-yolk.  
"Is it a dog or a flower?"  
"Both," she said, "Maybe I'll get you to meet him once you feel better."  
Egg-yolk left the room, and to replace her was Kramer.  
"Kramer!" I said, "What happened to me?"  
"Well, that bullet stabbed your neck. I'm sorry about that."  
"It's good to hear that," I said in relief, "That's the last time I do a favor for Sly."  
"Well, you were lucky I was there, because you lost a lot of blood."  
My relief slowly waned.  
"You got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy!"  
I screamed. Eventually, so did Kramer. Then I fainted. Unfortunately, this was no dream.

"Three pints of Kramer's blood?" asked Sammy when we got back to the apartment.  
"Yeah. I can feel his blood invading my blood like Hitler invaded England!"  
"I can only imagine how Kramer's gonna treat you now!"  
As if on cue, Kramer entered the room.  
"Hey buddy. Were you just talking about me?" he queried.  
"No," I said.  
Sammy left and closed the door behind him.  
"Look at this!" Kramer started rubbing the back of his neck, "My hair is all tangled and brambly back there."  
"So?"  
"Would you mind shaving it off for me...BLOOD brother?"  
I had a feeling this was coming. I went to the bathroom and took out a clean razor and began to shave. I couldn't believe I was doing this.

Sammy came back in.  
"I ran into Pammy out on the street…Omigod!" She was shocked to see me shaving the back of Kramer's neck.  
"I told you I had it coming to me!" I remarked, and turned to Kramer "Is that enough?"  
"Uh, sure. Thanks, bloody!" He stood up and left.

Sammy continued, "So anyway, Pammy asked me if I wanted to go to the zoo with her."  
"The Central Park Zoo?"  
"Yep. So you come too?"  
"Sure. I think I'm gonna need some time away from Kramer for a while."

And so to the zoo we went. Pammy went out of her way to bless every animal we stumbled upon. I turned around behind me, and saw PaRappa and Sunny with their new baby in a stroller.  
"HI!" they said.  
We said "Hi" back. Pammy knelt down to bless the child.  
PaRappa was somewhat confused. "Lammy?"  
"Whoops!" I realized they haven't yet been formerly introduced. "PaRappa and Sunny, this is Pammy and Sammy."  
Sunny waved happily, and pointed to the baby. "This is Nate."  
The girls got to talking for a while, and then we were on our way again.

I grabbed the attention of a small little roped off playground. We all stopped to look (and bless) the little critters in the playground. A nearby sign read

Wingless Birds  
Quite rare  
Native to Piggy Island

I looked back at the birds in the playground. One was red and circular, another was yellow and triangular. Three were small and blue, one was as black as a bomb.

I walked down the fence to find a small vending machine. It had a label on it:  
Feed the birds. One dollar a bag.  
'Reminds me of a classic children's musical', I thought. We each brought a bag. Pammy and Sammy were able to open their bags with ease. They tossed the bread crumbs all over the playground. But as for me, I had trouble opening my bag. I gave it to Pammy-She couldn't do it. I gave it to Sammy-No luck there either. I was on my own. I wrestled with the bag for several minutes until…

POOF!

The bag popped open, and I was covered all over with bread crumbs. The wingless birds were excited to see more food. The hopped into a giant slingshot in their playground, and launched themselves at me. I fell down, and once again, I fainted.

Wouldn't you know it? I'm back in the hospital bed.  
Sitting next to me this time was Carmelita.  
"So they mistook you for bird feed?" she asked  
"Well, they kept pecking and biting at me (they had teeth) until I started bleeding to a point where I fainted," I said.  
"Ay carumba."  
"That's that last time I go to a zoo."  
Then Egg-yolk came into the room with our new baby in her arms. She was completely human, only with antenna-no green skin. In short, the kid was 3/4 human, and 1/4 bug!  
"There she is!" I said, "Little Marinara Yoko Fay!"  
"Marinara?" asked Egg-yolk.  
"Why not? You're named after a sauce too!"  
Egg-yolk put Marinara into Carmelita's arms-She was her godmother.  
"Woah, those birds got you good, hon!" she put her hand over one of the bandages. Then she sat down next to Carmelita.

Next to come in came Kramer.  
"Hey, buddy," he said, "Heard about your bird problem, so I came right over to see how you were doing."  
"That's thoughtful of you," I said, "They told me I got more blood, so I guess I owe you again."  
"Wait-You didn't get the blood from me!" Kramer was confused.  
"Then from who?"  
In stepped a plump man with a single bandage on his arm, and an "I gave blood" pin on his shirt. He looked unfortunately familiar...  
"Helloooo, Tom!"

It

was

NEWMAN!

We all screamed. Even Newman eventually screamed. Because he didn't know what we were all screaming about.

THE END


End file.
